Saudade

There was something about being in my old apartment building that made me feel nauseous and nervous. Like I was stuck on an endless roller coaster and there was nothing to make me feel better.

I didn't even know why I had decided to come here tonight, I know that walking in will be a huge hit to the heart. What if I couldn't handle it?

"You just need to breathe, you're going to be alright."

I turn around to see Marie standing in the hallway, bag in hand and a sad smile on her face.

" How long have you been there?" I ask curiously

"Long enough to know you're doubting yourself, but you just need to breathe and get it over with, like a band aid. Quick and painless." She tells me as she walks towards me.

I nod and turn to look back at my apartment door. I take in a deep breath just like Marie told me to and exhale slowly as I put the key in the door. I open it slowly and cautiously, as if I was expecting something to jump out at me. But nothing happened.

I walk in and turn on the light, everything looked just like I had left it three weeks ago before I went back to my parents house.

"See there's nothing to worry about. Like a band aid."

"Quick and painless," I murmur under my breath and walk through the hallway into the living room, and thats when it hit me.

I inhale a sharp breath as I look at all the pictures of me and Andy.

"We'll take them off tonight," Marie tells me as she rubs my back.

I nod and head into the master bedroom and plop face down onto my bed, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by being here.

I can hear Marie walking around in the living room moving things, probably removing pictures from their frames and then I get up quickly and head to the living room, just as see her take down the biggest frame from the wall.

"Wait," I say before she can do anything with it.

She looks at me with a questioning look.

"Leave that one."

"Are you sure?" she asks cautiously.

"Yeah, I can't part with it just yet."

She nods and puts it back in its place.

I stare at it and without intending to I smile surprising myself.

"Soon all of these will be happy memories," Marie tells me with a smile.

I nod and look at the picture one more time. It was of me, Andy and our dog- Cat, a brown Labrador.

-

"Do you have your eyes closed?" Andy asked as I started to get impatient.

"Yes can I open them now?" 

"No, I'll tell you when."

"Why can't I just open them?"

"Because it's a surprise," he told me just as I heard sound, it sounded like a small whine.

"What was that?" I asked getting curiouser as time went on.

Andy stayed quiet but even in the silence I knew he had smiling.

"Okay, open them."

I opened my eyes slowly one at a time and my mouth dropped in shock as I saw Andy holding a small puppy in his arms.

"You got a dog?"

"She's yours, I know you're not a dog person and I was going to get you a cat but when I saw here just knew you would love her."

I was speechless.

"Guess what her name is!" he exclaimed excitedly

"I don't know, what?" I asked, still completely shocked.

"Cat." he replied with a big smile.

"Ironic."

"So do you like her?" he asked anxiously.

"She's cute," I finally said with a small smile

Andy placed Cat on my lap and she quickly fell asleep, even if I wasn't a dog person I had to admit she was damn cute.

-

"Do what do you want to do now?" Marie asks me causing me to look away from the picture.

I shrug with a sigh and take a sit on the couch, Marie soon joining me.

"Do you think I'm a bed person?"

"Because you had an affair?" she asks with a raised eyebrow.

I nod not being able to look at her in the eyes.

"Not at all, you're human, all humans make mistakes. I mean it makes you a terrible girlfriend but I know that you loved Andy and hurting him was the last thing you wanted to do, but we can't help it if we fall out of love, or fall in love with somebody else."

"That makes me feel a little bit better." I mumble and rest my head on her shoulder.

"Do you think it would be messed up if I asked for Cat back?"

"Well you did tell Andy that you didn't want her."

"Because I was upset and angry, but I miss her."

"It never hurts to try,"

I sigh, I guess the time to talk to Andy had come.