Saudade

I lie in my bed feeling sick to my stomach about the idea of talking to Andy. I roll on my back and look to my side, Marie already deep in sleep. I sigh and get out of bed quietly and slowly making sure not to wake her up. I grab my cellphone from the night stand and head to the living room.

I lie on the couch and breathe out as I stare at the ceiling.

I was afraid that if I called Andy he would just ignore me and send me to voice mail, I was even more afraid that he would answer and sound like he was completely fine without me- selfish, I know.

I unlock my cellphone and start looking through my pictures, my heart becoming heavy with sadness. Marie, as well as my mother had told me to delete the pictures but I couldn’t- I can’t. There’s a little part in me that still believes that maybe Andy and me can work things out, but probably not.

I groan placing my phone on the floor. I didn’t want to feel so sad and angry and stupid. I just wanted to feel numb, if only for a little while.

I get up from the couch and walk to my kitchen, I knew I had a bottle of wine hidden somewhere. I look through the cabinets and finally I find a bottle of Spanish Garnacha with notes of raspberry. I get a corkscrew from the kitchen drawer and open the bottle and start drinking it not bothering to get a cup.

I can feel my head become heavy and my mind starts to get clouded. I feel like the room is spinning and instead of feeling numb I feel even sadder. The empty bottle falls on the floor and I lie next to it feeling pathetic.

I pick up my phone lying besides the bottle and I immediately find Andy’s number and without really thinking I press the call button.

I hear it ring four times before I hear Andy’s voice.

’Sorry that I wasn’t able to pick up your call, leave a short message and I will call you back, thanks’

“Hey it’s Vera. I know we haven’t talked in a while but I just really needed to talk to you,” I can feel the tears emerging “I’m so sorry Andy, I am. I never meant to hurt you, I love you. I love you so much and I wish there was a way we could work things out. I wish you would talk to me.” Now the tears were running down my face.

“I miss Cat, I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t want her, I do. I love her too.”

“God, Andy please just give me a call back, let me explain things, let me fix things, please.” I beg now crying.

“I love you,” I say in between sobs and hang up hoping I wouldn’t regret this in the morning.

I looked around the airport trying to see if I could see Andy and then I saw him walking towards me, and I felt like there was something wrong, he was wearing his glasses but he looked a bit-angry.

“Hey,” I greeted him with a smile but he didn’t reply back just took my luggage and started walking towards the exit.

“Is everything okay?” I questioned but he didn’t reply.

We got into his car silently, I didn’t know what was wrong, was he ignoring me? Did he not want to see me?

“I heard you guys are announcing the end of the hiatus next month,” I said trying to make some type of conversation.

He nodded but kept his eyes on the road.

The drive to his house seemed to last an eternity. I had a feeling in my stomach that something bad had happened but I didn’t know what.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

“How could you do that to me!?” Andy shouted unable to control his anger.

“What are you talking about?” I asked in complete shock, I don’t think I had ever seen Andy this angry before.

“You know what you did!” he shouted again tears now escaping his eyes.

“I don’t” I shouted back.

“Who is he?”

“What?”

“Are you still sleeping with him?” he asked his face painted with distress.

My heart sank, how did he know? How did he find out?

“Andy, I don’t kno-”

“Don’t lie to me!”

I stared at him and I couldn’t lie to him, he knew and I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t hide it any longer.

“For how long?” he then asked.

“Andy,” I could only whisper.

“Just tell me.”

“A little over a year,” my voice has been bare audible

“Over a year?” He exclaimed and shook his head.

“Andy I’m sorry, I love you-”

“NO! You don’t. If you did you wouldn’t have done it.”

“I do!”

“I can’t even look at you,” he said and opened the door of his car and got out shutting the car door with a big slam.

I jump a bit and look at him as he walks into his house.

Who had told him? Did he know Pete was the guy I was cheating on him with?

I took off my seat belt and got out of the car into the snowy Milwaukee weather. I ran up the stairs and headed to his bedroom but his room door was locked.

“Andy please talk to me,”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now Vera, please have the decency to give me some space.”

Now I was crying but walked down the stairs letting Andy have some time alone.