Status: This isn't supposed to offend, I'm sorry if it does

Rainbow Pride

Chapter 17

‘Sometimes giving up seems to be your only option, but when that time comes you have a decision to make, you need to decide whether that’s really the case or if you have something worth fighting for.

I’ve been plagued with these thoughts many times, attempted to finish it once too but I won’t do that again, and I regret ever trying. I’m settled now and life is good, I have Kaden who knows all about my issues… my dad who supports me with everything I do and he’s told me many times that he’s proud. Hearing that he was… is proud of me, having him there supporting me… it makes me feel good about who I am, and the positive choices I’ve been making.

Then there’s Kaden… Kaden is a great person with the patience to ride out my bad days, even when I snap and tell him to get lost… he’s always there the next day as if nothing happened. I remember the first time we actually stopped talking, things for me were bad and I just didn’t want him getting dragged down too… so I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore and he listened.

Two weeks is a long time to be away from someone, especially when you had spent years spending nearly every day either with or talking to that person… that’s when I tried to end it. I remember waking up in the hospital, and finding Kaden sitting next to my bed, but I couldn’t look at him. He wasn’t supposed to be there, but he was like always, and he told me he blamed himself for what I did.

It took me months to convince him that he wasn’t to blame, that the reasons I did what I did were my own, and nothing that he should ever blame himself for. After that he did everything he could to make sure I was okay, he asked me daily whether I needed to talk to him about anything, and if I missed his phone calls or didn’t text him back he would come over to check on me… I scared him.

Knowing that I did that… that I made him feel responsible for my actions… it’s a horrible feeling to have. That was one of the worst times in my life, knowing that I hadn’t just scared my dad but Kaden as well… it hurt because they’re both important people in my world.

I still have those moments, I still have those times where I have to stop and take a deep breath… but they are not as regular as back then. I’ll never try that again… no matter how hard things get for me… I’ve seen what it does and I can’t ever put them through that again.’