Status: This isn't supposed to offend, I'm sorry if it does

Rainbow Pride

Chapter 6

'It's not easy coming to terms with your sexuality sometimes, it can be confusing for a while, especially at a young age, but it's even harder when you have to deal with a homophobic parent as well. You never know how someone will react, and sometimes a person will decide to just keep the truth hidden, but I'm not one to keep secrets.

It's strange, from a young age you are taught to always be honest, that your parents will love you no matter what, until you need them to support you and they turn on you instead. Living under the same roof as that parent is stressful, my mum won't even talk to me or she hadn't until the word Faggot came from her mouth, and then she went back to ignoring me again... go figure, as if my life wasn't painful enough.

From the moment I told my mum that I was gay, and she reacted the way she did, everyone has been telling me to give her time... she'll come around, but that's not going to happen and I guess that is something I will just have to deal with. My mind has been numb to how I feel about the whole situation, but I'm angry... I'm angry with myself for believing that she would be fine with such a huge part of who I am... and I'm angry at her for not understanding that being gay is who I am.

I've given her time, I've tried to make amends with her even though I am not the one in the wrong, and it seems to be getting worse. My boyfriend told me to just wait it out, but I feel like the train has well and truly left the tracks, deciding to take on the rough terrain rather than the smooth trip it could have taken instead. The truth is I told my parents because I thought they should know, not because I wanted their blessing, and if my mum can't bring herself to see that I am still the same person then that's her problem.

This journal was suppose to be the one place I could write down my memories, something solid that I could look back through and reminisce on, but getting my feelings out about this is more important right now. I've been having thoughts recently, thoughts that I never imagined I'd be having... thoughts like perhaps it'll be better if I wasn't here anymore, and I wonder if she'd care if I died tomorrow.

I shouldn't be having thoughts like that, and that is just another thing that makes me angry, I have my dad and an amazing guy who literally means the world to me, but I can't stop the thoughts from surfacing, or my mind wandering to places less... pain filled. At times I have to remind myself that they are just thoughts, thoughts stirred by my emotions being so mixed up, and that no matter what MY life is my own to live, with or without my mum there.

If I could offer anyone advice today it would be that love conquers hate, so if you have someone who loves you hold on to them tight with both hands, and refuse to let go until they tell you that they don’t love you anymore. I have no doubt that my mum hates me, but I also have a lot of people who love me, and that has to be more important right?'
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Just want to thank everyone who has read this, it means a lot :)