Status: This isn't supposed to offend, I'm sorry if it does

Rainbow Pride

Chapter 8

'Not everyone knows how hard it is to know exactly who you are, but not be confident enough to show it, or act on the feelings you have. Being gay is a huge part of who I am, but sometimes it feels like the worst part of me, and that's not how I should feel. I have an amazing boyfriend, and people around me who support me, but deep down I can't help feeling like a disappointment.

A disappointment to my parents who worked so hard to bring me up right, but still I guess in a way I turned out wrong (at least in my mums eyes). A disappointment to my friends who thought that I would never keep things from them, but there I was keeping the hugest part of my life from them. Most of all I feel like a disappointment to myself, I'm not ashamed of being gay... its who I am and that won't change, but I can't help feeling that things would have been easier if I just liked girls.

What a stupid thing to make you change how you see someone? What does it matter if I find boys attractive rather than girls, love is love and no one can mess with that... or they're not supposed to be able to. I felt pure freedom when everyone finally knew, like this huge weight had been lifted, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could truly start living my life, without worrying about slipping up. I guess my life was supposed to be pure hell.

Someone I know once told me that the thing he hated about being gay was that you always end up falling for the straight guy or your best friend, yeah I totally understand that but my story worked out. I fell in love with my best friend who I thought was straight, but it turns out he was just hiding... we haven't really talked about it... perhaps he really did turn gay for me like he admitted he would. All I know is that he makes me happy, and even though I don’t feel as though I deserve it, he loves me and that's what's important.

I wish that I could free myself from the shackles that seem to bind me to my darkness, but my heart just doesn't seem to be able to see the light, and although that sounds dramatic, its true. My friend and I were talking the other day, and he turned round and said that he was jealous of gay people because they are not bound by the same rulebook as straight men. By that he was talking about the fact that we're not afraid to express our emotions, we don't watch every move we make, to make sure that we stay in that manly zone that straight men put around themselves... we're free.

Hollis Stacy once said 'I think people feel threatened by homosexuality. The problem isn't about gay people, the problem is about the attitude towards gay people. People think that all gays are Hannibal Lecters. But gay people are sons and daughters, politicians and doctors'