Lost Inside

Emilia’s jaw was on the ground. Scott smirked and melted into the uncaring crowd. Declan just stood there, not knowing if he should stay or run far far away. Caleb had stopped breathing quite a bit ago.

Declan just kissed him. On the mouth...like kissed...on the lips...

The two broke apart - very reluctantly - with an audible pop. Emilia’s mouth was still wide open in the kitchen. Declan just stood there, wide eyed and unmoving. Caleb was staring at him, equally wide eyed and unmoving.

“I uh...I was supposed to come and ask you to dance...” Declan choked out. He was two seconds from bursting out in tears like a grown baby. Declan was not happy that he had done this because he was so terrified to see Caleb’s reaction. If the boy didn’t reciprocate his feelings, he would most likely want to move out and avoid the awkwardness that would most likely ensue. Declan didn’t want to think about what he would do if Caleb did reciprocate his feelings. He felt that that would be too good to be possible.

Caleb blinked and cleared his head. What does this mean?

“Uh...yeah...sure...dancing sounds good.”
Declan nodded, dazed, and awkwardly gathered Caleb in his arms as they swayed to the music.

Emilia was so confused.

Declan was cursing himself in his mind; he would never be able to look Caleb in the eyes ever again. Caleb was...baffled. Baffled and happy. He was just kissed by the man of his dreams and it was so much better than he ever thought it would be. Declan’s mouth was soft and firm and full of want and need. Caleb was worried that his were chapped and gross, but it still filled him with the best feeling. But what did this mean?
The music ended, but the next song was still slow so they continued, both lost in thought and confusion.

When that second song ended for a fast pop number, the two broke apart and stared at each other.

“I’m gonna go get a drink.” Caleb finally said. “I need a drink, do you want a drink? You like beer right? I’m gonna go get you a beer.” Declan could only nod and watch Caleb turn and walk away. He felt like such an idiot. This was the reason he was afraid of making a move on Caleb, the awkwardness that would surely tear them apart sooner or later.

Declan sighed and made his way back to his chair. He should have never left his chair.

Déja vu, yet again a sparkly red dress was coming towards him, she was angrier now...

“What the hell was that? You can’t just kiss him and walk away!” Emilia whisper-yelled at the still sulking man in front of her. She didn’t want to make a scene, but she really wanted to karate chop Declan in the throat.

“I don’t know what the hell’s going on right now, Emilia. This is all too confusing, so I think it might be time for me to go home. Caleb can just...crash here tonight or something.” Declan sighed.

“And what? He comes with me to my parents' house and you two spend Christmas apart and miserable? These are the goddamn holidays, the first holiday that that boy has had in over three years! If you don’t go fix this right now, I will make it physically impossible and painful for you to attempt to ever have children again. You are a grown man, so get your ass up and fix this.”

Declan wanted to protest, but the look of death Emilia was sending his way was enough to make him want to crawl into a dark corner and never emerge. Declan sighed and got up once again to fight for what he wanted. It hadn’t worked so well last time, so Declan wasn’t exactly excited at the thought of trying again. But Caleb was worth it.

He found the boy out on the back deck, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a bottle of water in his hand. Caleb looked far away.

The boy was deep in thought; he didn’t know what he should do about this. He never thought that he and Declan would ever find themselves in this situation, so it never crossed his mind that he would potentially have to do something to win the man back. He just wanted so badly to know why Declan had kissed him. Had Emilia been right? Had Caleb made Declan so jealous that he just acted on a whim? What did that whim mean? Caleb didn’t think that it necessarily meant that Declan had any feelings for him, just that he didn’t want Caleb hanging out with other guys. That didn’t make sense, but it was the closest thing to sense that Caleb could see at the moment.

Caleb jumped slightly when he saw Declan sit beside him on the small bench in the three season deck; Caleb wanted one; it was heated. Caleb was terrified; what would Declan say?

“I’m sorry.” Well he didn’t expect that. “I...I had meant to come and ask you to dance, but...I don’t know, I just...I got carried away and my thoughts were jumbled and I sort of did the first thing that came to mind...which...was the only thing that ever comes to mind with you really.”

Caleb dared a glance at Declan. He looked worried and was wringing his hands together, but was plainly avoiding looking Caleb in the eyes. And what was that supposed to mean? That Declan only ever thought about kissing Caleb?

“I’m not making any sense now, am I?” Declan let out a nervous chuckle. Caleb smiled softly at him.

“Not really, no. I just want to know why you did it? What does it mean?” Caleb didn’t know where he found the courage to ask the questions that have been running around his brain since Declan pressed their lips together.
Declan sighed.

“I’m just scared of what you’ll do if I tell you.” The man admitted. Scared, what an understatement.
Caleb continued to look at Declan and the older man continued to avoid eye contact.

“How bad could it be? I mean, if you want me to move out, you can just tell me; I’m sure Millie would let me stay here for a bit until I make enough for my own place or...my siblings if it comes to that.” This was the worst case scenario in Caleb’s mind. “Anything other than that...I think we can handle it.”
Declan ran a hand over his exhausted face. Why was this so hard?

“The last thing I want is for you to move out. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if that happened.” Declan finally chances a glance into Caleb’s bright baby blues and found it impossible to look away.
Caleb sucked in his fear and reached a hand out to take Declan’s in his own small, soft ones.

“Then I think we can deal with whatever else comes.”
Declan didn’t know what came over him. It was like the last time. He wanted to tell Caleb why he had kissed him. He wanted so badly for the boy to know his true feelings and he was going to say it. But then his brain got jumbled looking into those eyes and feeling that soft skin. His mind fought with what it wanted; to tell or to show. Declan wanted to say it, but he knew that he would better be able to articulate himself if he showed Caleb exactly how he felt. But would Caleb be okay being kissed again? If Caleb didn’t reciprocate his feelings, Declan would walk away, but it would hurt worse if he was pushed away while trying to make a move.

Declan didn’t care. All of this care about Caleb’s potential rejection had gotten him nowhere with the boy so it was time to just...go with it.

Declan leaned in slowly, slow enough to turn himself into a puddle of nerves but Caleb could pull away if he wanted.

At first Caleb didn’t know if Declan was actually moving closer or if his eyes were playing tricks on him because he wanted so desperately to be kissed again. But when he could feel Declan’s breath on his lips, he knew that this was what he really wanted. And Caleb was sure that he had been moving closer as well, so close that he could see the light flecks of light green in Declan’s chocolate eyes.

This kiss was different. Neither were surprised and both definitely wanted it. It was also longer than the small peck that Declan had first given Caleb. Both men were given enough time to fully enjoy the feel of one another. Declan’s hand moved up to cup Caleb’s soft, rosy cheek while the other rested on the boy’s leg. Caleb wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. He had never kissed anyone before. He was sure that he didn’t want to kiss anyone else ever again; Declan was it for him, he was sure.

Millie held a steaming cup of tea in her hands with a small smile on her face. Those boys were too adorable for their own good.



Declan hadn’t let go of Caleb’s hand since their kiss on the three season deck. They also didn’t discuss what it meant for their relationship; it was just a kiss, a kiss that meant so much. Declan was much too happy and dazed to think about asking Caleb out on a date yet, he was just really planning on surprising the boy sometime in the future. Caleb was on cloud nine. Declan kissed him again and this time he meant it! Declan had feelings for him! Caleb! Caleb didn’t want to think about whether or not this was a dream because it was too good to be true, but he would go along with it because it felt absolutely amazing. Declan was his.

Emilia couldn’t stop squealing when they made their way back into the house, but she clearly had too much to drink already. The guests started trickling out at around midnight after choruses or Merry Christmas and caroling. Caleb was positive that this was the best day of his life. He also remembered that he had left Declan’s Christmas present in Millie’s room, so the only time he let go of the man’s hand was to run and get it and put it in the boot of the car before Declan could see.

The two were the last to leave at around 1:30 in the morning when Caleb was nodding off on Declan’s chest. They gave many hugs, Merry Christmases and presents before making their way out into the chill of the night and into the warm car.

Declan held Caleb’s hand the entire drive to the flat.



Caleb slept in his own bed that night, but not for long. At 6 am sharp, his alarm was going off and he was hurrying up the stairs and jumping on Declan’s bed to wake the man up.

“Christmas! It’s Christmas! Wake up!” He giggled and fell on top of a grunting Declan.

“It was Christmas this morning when we went to bed! Why are you up so early?” Declan groaned and rolled over to go back to sleep. Caleb was not having it. The boy jumped up and began jumping up and down on Declan’s bed yet again; he didn’t know where all the energy was coming from, but he was enjoying this.

“Get up, you lazy bum! It’s Christmas, we have to go open presents!”
Declan groaned again, but knew that the sooner he got up to open presents, the sooner he would be allowed to go back to bed.

Caleb bounced right down the stairs in a fit of excited giggles while Declan tiredly trailed behind him, a soft smile on his face; he loved seeing Caleb like this.

The Christmas tree was...well it had been decorated by Caleb entirely - he had refused to let Declan help - so the top two feet of the 7 foot tree was undecorated because Caleb was afraid of ladders.
But it was cute and Christmasy and full of presents underneath. Declan had gone all out with Christmas shopping for Caleb, not to mention Emilia, Vanessa and Jetson appeared to have spoiled the boy as well. Declan was even surprised that his parents had sent Caleb something. Caleb wasn’t as able to buy Declan as much, but he got him what he could and as always, Mr. and Mrs. Callum went all out for their son.

“Okay.” Declan sat on the ground beside the bouncing jellybean. “Which one do you want to open first?”

Caleb had his thinking face on - Declan wanted to kiss it. Finally Caleb pulled out the present wrapped in bright orange paper from Emilia and placed a bright blue one - also from the eccentric girl - on Declan’s lap.

“I open this one and you can open that one.” Caleb normally would have felt stupid for acting like such a child, but he didn’t care; it was Christmas!
Caleb tore at the bright wrapping paper as thought it was personally offending him. Declan laughed and pulled out his phone for pictures; this was too cute to not record in some way. It was one of those gag gifts that Emilia had promised him.

“Holy crap, what the hell is this?”
It was a five pound gummy bear. A newborn baby sized, blue raspberry flavored giant gummy bear. Only Emilia.

“Oh god, now I’ll have to deal with your already hyper self hopped up on sugar.”
Caleb rolled his eyes.

“Shut up and open your present.”

Apparently Emilia thought it would just be absolutely hilarious to get Declan something similar; a giant gummy worm. Declan rolled his eyes and reached for the next batch of presents. Thankfully Emilia also got them normal presents. She got Caleb a watch because he’s always wanted one and she got Declan new cologne since she says the one he had before smelled like old man.

Declan’s parents got him the usual, new clothes and gift cards to lavishly expensive places. Shockingly they got Caleb clothes in his right size and they were actually not ugly. Declan felt that he had father to thank for that; his mother most likely wouldn’t have gotten Caleb anything; she was still angry that Declan hadn’t found another woman to marry yet.

Declan got Caleb a laptop because he spoils the boy too much - Caleb slapped him.

“I also got you something else, but I didn’t want you to find it, so I gave it to the nice, crazy neighbor lady to watch for me.”

Caleb was confused. The nice, crazy neighbor lady had seven cats and always smelled like pine sol, so when Declan made his way back into the house, he reeked. But that wasn’t what Caleb was paying attention to. He was too busy fawning over the squirming bundle in Declan’s arms.

“A puppy? You got me a puppy?” Caleb felt 6 again. He had always wanted a puppy, had always begged his parents for one, but they never really paid much attention to him, so he never got anything other than socks and maybe a few pencils and notebooks for school.

The first thing that went through Caleb’s mind was that it was so fluffy and curly and he wanted to eat the small thing up. It was a Havanese Poodle mix. Normally Declan would automatically skip the small things and move on the big dogs like a Rottweiler or a Saint Bernard, but Caleb was too tiny and adorable and as soon as he saw the tiny thing in the crate at the shelter, he knew that it would be perfect.

“You get to name him yourself since the shelter didn’t even get to name him yet. They just found the litter about an hour before I picked him out.”

Caleb didn’t even have words. This was the best Christmas present he’s ever had. The puppy let out a whimper of a bark and began licking Caleb’s fingers.

The bright grin on Caleb’s face made Declan’s holidays.



Caleb was almost nervous for Declan to open his present now. After seeing what Declan got him, Caleb didn’t think his was good enough anymore.

“Why is this so huge? What did you buy me?” Declan exclaimed when Caleb had come out with the giant box. He didn’t want to follow the curves of the guitar with the wrapping paper because that would be too obvious, so him and Emilia had spent the good part of an hour sticking boxes onto it to throw Declan off.
Declan carefully placed it on the ground in front of him and began tearing at the paper; the boxes came off with it.
To say Declan was surprised would be an understatement. This was the guitar he had seen so long ago - before he met Caleb - in the shop window that had disappeared before he had gotten a chance to purchase it.

“Where did you find this?” He breathed out, lightly running his fingers over the glossy surface. “How did you know this was the one I wanted?”

Caleb was...confused. And the puppy was licking his toes and it felt weird.

“I...didn’t...?”

“I saw this guitar in the shop by my work the first day that I was there. By the time I came back out to get it, it was gone; the shop owner said it was sent away.” Declan explained.
Caleb was over the moon! He did something right!

“Yeah, the guy said that they had received it by accident and that it was supposed to go to
another store. I guess they sent it back.”

Declan laughed and pulled Caleb into a tight hug. Both men were extremely happy with how this Christmas was turning out.