Stop Playing Around

“But what if-”

“We went over all the basics you need, you’ll do fine,” Gerard says.

“But I have no experience!”

“Everyone has to start somewhere. No one has experience at their first job,” Gerard assures.

Frank groans, “But what if I don’t get the job.”

“I’m not going to lie to you,” Gerard says, “you’re probably not. Seriously, you’re going to have like twenty interviews before you get a job.”

“That’s not an encouraging thing to say!”

Gerard shrugs, “well maybe it’s not the most encouraging thing, but it’s the truth.”

“He’s going to absolutely fail, and no one will ever hire him,” Brendon says.

“Thank you for the input, Brendon. Go chop your toes off,” Gerard says.

“I’m just trying to help,” He says, smiling insipidly.

“No you’re not. You’re trying to psych him out. Need I remind you that you’re the one who said he’s got to get a job?”

“Well he does need to get a job. I am not paying for my rent, as well as his ass on my couch every night. I paid for half of that couch, and there’s a troll living on it,” Brendon says.

“I thought you were warming up to him?”

“I am. This is just how I show affection,” Brendon says and then he raises his eyebrows like he wants someone to dare him to prove it.

“This is why you don’t have a girlfriend,” Gerard says.

“No. I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m just too fantastic and it’s intimidating. Also I have an annoying roommate who scares all the girls away,” Brendon replies.

“I scare them? Try the other way around,” Gerard says, “You know how terrifying it is to wake up with a naked female stranger in your bathroom at seven in the morning?”

“That’s happened like twice,” Brendon replies looking unimpressed.

“Twice is enough,” Gerard replies, and shudders slightly, “I don’t want to see that when I just woke up, it’s gross.”

“You’re gross.”

“Your face is gross,” Gerard retorts, which is not very original, but it’s too early to come up with creative insults. Maybe in a few hours he’ll be able to tell Brendon he’s got weedy maggot-breath, but right now he just doesn’t have the spirit nor the imagination.

“Can we get back to my interview?” Frank asks.

“What? Oh yeah,” Gerard says and turns back to look at Frank who’s sitting at the counter with an expression like he just witnessed wild animals dance in a conga line.

“What’s the interview for?” Brendon asks. “If it’s a better paying job than mine than I don’t want you to audition for it.”

“Audition?” Gerard asks, “What the fuck do you mean by audition? Is Frank going to go up there and introduce himself as Danny Zuko?”

“I don’t know the proper term, so I went with the next best thing,” Brendon shrugs.

“You’re such an idiot,” Gerard shakes his head despairingly, “the proper word is just interview.”

“Really? That’s so boring. They should call it the intensive future-deciding cross-examination. It’s much more extreme sounding.”

“It’s a position at a banking firm, dumbass,” Gerard says, answering Brendon’s question after getting sidetracked.

“Ugh, that sounds tedious. What experience does he have in banking?”

Gerard rolls his eyes, “Well it’s not a perfect fit, but it’s his first interview ever, so we picked something that it doesn’t really matter too much if he bombs.”

“Which he will,” Brendon assures.

“Right, getting back to your interview,” Gerard says, pulling himself out of Brendon’s distraction once again, “I think that you ought to steer clear of the whole daddy being a millionaire topic. I can tell you with some certainty, and quite a bit of former practice, that most people associate heirs as douchebags.”

“Not to sound rude but it also looks like something crawled up your ass,” Brendon says, “you look way too on edge. Now normally the cure for that would be a shot of straight vodka, but you really shouldn’t go about hitting the taps this early in the morning.”

“No you really shouldn’t,” Gerard says, “but I kind of agree with him there. You are way too on edge. Relax a little bit.”

Frank’s face goes from anxious to nauseous in a matter of seconds, like he actually thinks that made him look less terrified.

“Jesus fuck, you’re a wreck,” Gerard says and he places his hands on Frank’s shoulders. “Ease up a little will you? Your shoulders look like they’re on puppet strings.”

Frank frowns, and tries to loosen himself up a little bit, but he still looks like he has a wedgie. Gerard’s fingers brush over his shoulders for maybe a little bit longer than necessary, but he pulls them away when Frank looks back at him with his big doe eyes. His eyes are really hard not to get lost in, and Gerard finds himself almost hypnotized by the look Frank’s giving him.

“What?” Frank asks, and Gerard realizes he’s staring with his mouth open a little bit. If he keeps that up he’ll be drooling.

“Nothing,” Gerard says, “you look a little better, but it still looks like you’re trying too hard.”

“Well I am trying too hard!” Frank says. I’m petrified. I’ve never had a job interview before.”

“Have you seen Interview With A Vampire, because that has nothing to do with job interviews, but it does have vampires?” Brendon says.

“So does Twilight.”

“Yeah, but Twilight is a sexist piece of horseshit. Interview With A Vampire has Tom Cruise.”

“Touché,” Gerard replies, “but this is about Frank’s interview. Oh my god, you look even tenser than you were a minute ago!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m scared.”

“That’s obvious. Why are you so scared though?”

“I guess it’s just, I mean, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was rich and now I’m... who am I if I’m not rich?”

“You’re Frank,” Gerard says, “you’re a little arrogant, a tad bit presumptuous, a touch pessimistic, and you maybe have a little bit of a Napoleon Complex, but you’re not a bad person. You’re caring, and you’re dedicated. I think you’re hardworking, and smart as well.”

“I’m not smart,” Frank shakes his head, “I’m average.”

“Well that would probably be true if most of the earth’s population wasn’t made up of idiots, but honestly Frank, most people are pretty dumb. Comparatively, you’re fairly smart.”

“Gross,” Brendon says.

“You’re definitely smarter than Brendon,” Gerard says.

“Hey! I’m right here.”

“That’s why I said it,” Gerard says.

“Since when did you start liking Frank better than me? I’m your roommate. I’m cuter! I have a nicer ass,” Brendon says.

“We’re going to pretend he’s not there at all,” Gerard says turning back to look at Frank. “Just, I don’t know. What do people say in this kind of situation?”

“Be yourself,” Brendon says blandly, “You’ll do fine. Make nice with the other kids. Don’t spill your juice box. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Make sure to tie your shoes. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Never step under a ladder. Break a leg.”

“Yes, thank you, Brendon, for going over all the basic rules of life,” Gerard says.

“I’m here to help,” Brendon says, grabbing his mug and toasting the air in front of him. He has a grin like he knows he’s being a snarky bastard and he’s proud of it. That’s probably what the grin actually means when Gerard thinks about it.

“Just go now before Brendon says something even stupider than normal,” Gerard says to Frank.

“You should keep a log of it,” Frank suggests.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Think of all the trees I’d kill if I wrote down every stupid thing Brendon said. Deforestation would go up seventy percent,” Gerard says.

“I am so unappreciated,” Brendon says.

“Hey Gerard, would you come with me?” Frank ask, and then turns a pink color so he ducks his head. Frank has discovered a new fascination in his shoelaces.

“Why do you need me to come with?” Gerard asks.

“Moral support,” He replies quietly, “I mean you don’t have to, I just... sorry.”

Brendon walks up behind Gerard and whispers in his ear, intentionally loud enough for Frank to hear, “he wants you to hold his hand.”

“Shut up, Brendon,” Gerard and Frank say in unison. They lock eyes for a fraction of a second, before quickly turning to look away.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll come with you,” Gerard replies, trying to act casual, even though he doesn’t know why the invitation sounds so uncomfortable.

“No you don’t have to, I mean you probably have things to do, and I’m totally just paranoid,” Frank says.

“No it’s fine, Frank. I’m not doing anything, I don’t have anything all day. It’s fine,” Gerard replies.

“Yeah, Frank, it’s fine,” Brendon says overzealously with a wave of his hand. He looks like one of those straight guys pretending to be a homosexual, and ending up just pissing everybody off. Though if we’re going to be honest Brendon is one of the gayest straight men on the planet.

“I hate you more than you could ever know, Brendon,” Gerard says, pushing him away. He smells oddly like apples, and it’s weirding Gerard out.

“You two ought to be going, Frank’s interview is in just over an hour,” Brendon says.

“Oh shit,” Gerard says checking his watch. “Yeah, you should really be going. Or I mean, we.”

Things just became awkward and Brendon is loving it. He’s got a smile on his face like Christmas came early, and Gerard is holding back the urge to stab him repeatedly.

“Uh, okay, well let’s go then,” Gerard says.

“Gerard, are you forgetting something?” Brendon asks, with a gloating expression.

Gerard looks down, realizes he’s wearing pajama pants with the Batman emblem stitched all over, and then turns around and out the other doorway. About a minute later, he returns with real pants, and does anything to not make eye contact with either of the people in the kitchen. He then walks past Frank through the other door without a word. People think Gerard gives the silent treatment a lot, but usually he just keeps his mouth shut if he’s worried about saying something stupid.

“Have fun,” Brendon says bringing his mug back up to his face. He looks like a Bond villain with his smug grin, and narrowed eyebrows. Frank is a little bit worried that he’s about to start plotting to take over the world, so he backs out of the kitchen to follow Gerard.

“Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!” Brendon shouts after them.