Stop Playing Around

Frank has short legs, but do not be fooled, he can run pretty fast. The problem is that he has no idea where the fuck he’s going so Gerard manages to catch up to him.

“Leave me alone, I get that you don’t want me here,” Frank says, when Gerard approaches.

“Frank, we all say stupid things sometimes, especially in the company of our friends,” Gerard says, “I shouldn’t have said it with you only a little ways away.”

“You didn’t care. You meant every word,” Frank replies.

“I may have embellished my real opinions, but I didn’t mean it to the extent I said it,” Gerard says.

“No, but it really says something about who you are as a person doesn’t it?” Frank asks, and Gerard doesn’t follow so Frank continues, “Well you were all for saying wretched things about me when you thought I couldn’t hear. You wouldn’t have felt bad about saying it if I didn’t hear.”

Gerard doesn’t say anything, just looks at his shoes.

“Am I wrong?” Frank asks.

“No, you’re not wrong,” Gerard says in a small voice.

“I think you’re forgetting that you and I are equivalent. That’s never been something I was blind to, Gerard. I know you work for what you do, and you have to fucking accept that I never have. I don’t want to see you ever again. Ideally, I wouldn’t have to, but I don’t know what choice I have,” Frank says.

“So the dramatic exit was purely for ambiance?”

“No, I’m not going back,” Frank says resolutely, “Not with you.”

“What? But you have nowhere to go.”

“Nowhere is better than a place I am unwelcome.”

Gerard makes a face, wondering why he of all people is in this mess, and says, “well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Frank, but your sort are not suited for begging. That’s what your life is if you leave now, Frank. Begging. Do you really think you can do that? Do you really think so? I’m not trying to underestimate your skill, or lack thereof when I say this, but I need you to realize that you’re probably going to die without my hospitality.”

“Oh, please. I do not depend on you for survival,” Frank says.

“You really do,” Gerard says, “And I’m sorry about that. This isn’t a family musical, Frank. Have you read Oliver Twist, because I can guarantee you that you don’t have a rich fucking uncle to take you in? Here’s a kick of reality, you’ll die if you go out on your own.”

“I won’t,” Frank says.

“You don’t know a thing about the world, Frank. You’ve only seen one side of it. One incredibly small part of it. Now, maybe you are a bit more down to earth then I originally gave you credit for, but it’s a fact that you have no street smarts. You don’t know how to get a job, you don’t even know how to conduct an interview. You’re not going to make it in this life without someone to help you.”

“I don’t-”

“Don’t want to?” Gerard guesses, and Frank nods, “that’s something you have to suck in. Pride is something people get rid of very early on. You can’t have pride, Frank. You just can’t, because it’s not something people will let you have. You have to accept that every once in a while, we all need to ask for help. We all need someone to look after us in times of need, and unfortunately that’s not something you can have and still maintain your dignity. It’ll come back, maybe, but then it’ll be shattered again. It’s not something you keep, it’s something that comes and goes in waves. Pride isn’t forever. That’s an important thing to learn.”

“But why?”

“Because you wouldn’t be able to go on with your life if you didn’t admit defeat. You have to suck that pride in when you apologize. When you have to tell someone that you were wrong, and when you have to ask someone for help.”

Frank looks at his hands, and around the hall at the walls around him. Gerard’s partially worried that, since they’re still in the apartment building, they might annoy the neighbors. He has no doubt Frank would be very good at annoying the other residents, so he decides that he’s going to have to really rework the guys entire brain.

The task ahead of him is rewiring Frank as a normal human being. Someone whose face isn’t a magnet for being punched.

“Take this is as a page from the brutal book of living. Just remember this, however much it may embarrass you or demean you to ask for help, it’s not seen the same way in the other person’s eyes. It’s not some sort of supremacy you now have over them, it’s the trust that another person is willing to confide with you their struggle. If you trust me, Frank, which I hope you do, you’ll see that I want to help you. I may not be your biggest fan, but I am not your enemy.”

“You said all those things,” Frank says.

“I did say all of those things, and I can’t take them back. This is me taking responsibility. This is me sucking in my pride to tell you that you are right, Frank. I shouldn’t have said those things. I shouldn’t have gossiped about you these past years to someone who had never met you. That was pretty despicable of me,” Gerard says. “So there. I took the responsibility, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too?”

“Well I hope so,” Gerard says, “Do you have any specifics as to what you’re sorry about?”

“I- treating you like shit? Treating everyone like shit. It’s just that... I mean I don’t want to justify the way I’ve acted my whole life, but I want you to remember that when you’re a little kid, your dad is your hero. You look up to your parents, and you see them as superheroes. I only ever had a dad, so he’s all I’ve ever had to go by to set an example. Everyone is the same person to the narrowest sense of the word, but it’s environment that decides a personality. Your parents are who you learn much of your behavior from, so please be patient with me,” Frank says, and Gerard’s pretty impressed.

There’s definitely a sign of deflection in his words, but still, Gerard understands what he means. He understands what Frank means when he says that. He’s not going to let the guy off that easy, because really, it’s just words. He’s got to back his words up with actions, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t resonate.

“You could do better, but thank you for saying it,” Gerard says, slacking his posture by crossing his arms in front of Frank.

“Do you really think I have no soul?” Frank croaks.

“Oh, um,” Gerard hesitates. The truth is that he doesn’t really know what defines a soulless human being. He doesn’t know what characteristics designate a warm soul. He doesn’t even really know what a soul is. Obviously it’s a metaphorical concept, so there’s a million different ways to describe it, and now he has to try to refute his claim that he knows what one is in the first place.

“I don’t know that I know what it means to have a soul,” Gerard says, “I mean, I think I have one, I guess. I think it’s a state of mind, but I don’t know what state of mind that is. I think everyone thinks about it in a different way. I don’t think it’s ever been your intention to be a bad person. I don’t think it’s many peoples intention to be a bad person. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, because it definitely does happen, a lot. I think that’s more centered on people who intentionally try to hurt people. Sadists and what not. So I don’t really know, maybe I’m wrong about it. I don’t think you want to be a bad person though, and I think that point in and of itself is what gives you a soul.”

“So I do have one?” Frank asks.

“I don’t know if it’s really something you ever lose, I think it’s something that you lose sight of. This isn’t Harry Potter, you can’t rip in halves a human soul, and I’m assuming you’ve never murdered anyone anyway,” Gerard says.

“Well only a few people,” Frank shrugs, and Gerard grins.
Gerard is then blown back, by the overwhelming realization that Frank is a real human. A real human with emotions. Someone who uses humor as a defense, someone who feels pain, who sees the world through his own eyes. It’s a rather sonderous thing to realize that Frank is really a person, a person who probably feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Frank asks, “I was only joking.”

“I know that, I just, I guess I forgot that rich people joked at all.”

“Well I’m not a rich person so maybe that has something to do with it.”

“The mind of a rich person. It’s waning your way out of that mindset that’s going to be the hardest for you.”

“Do you think it’s possible?”

“I hope so, or my roommate will push you off a building,” Gerard says.

“Does your roommate hate me?”

“My roommate hates the person I’ve told him you are,” Gerard replies, “but I don’t know how much of what I said is who you really are.”

Frank doesn’t know who he is himself. He thinks inside, he’s a better person than other people think he is. The truth is that he doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know whether he’s relatable, or friendly, passionate or uninteresting. Easy to empathize with or completely apathetic. He doesn’t know. He knows who he wants to be.

He kind of wants to be like Gerard. Not perfect, but smart, and able to own up to being wrong. Frank thinks, despite the things he’s said, that Gerard is a good person. Flawed, but skilled in all the right things.

“So what do ya say then? Are you going to let me help you, or are you going to go out on that street and fend for yourself?” Gerard asks.

“If it’s alright still, I think I’d like your help.”

Gerard smiles, despite himself. He doesn’t know why, but he understands Frank’s predicament on a fundamental level. He does recognize the feeling, even if he has no experience being there.

“Yeah, it’s alright.”