When You Go, If You Go

I can feel myself fading in this bleak hospital room.

I don't want to go but I can't seem to help it. There's this comfortable darkness inviting me in and it's so welcoming. It's so peaceful. I'll go, just for a little while. I'll let my heavy eyelids fall closed and I'll explore this blessed darkness, just for a little while.

Please don't cry that way, I am coming back. I wouldn't leave, not ever. It's just so nice here, in the dark. It feels good.

In fact I think I see a light now, and that feels even better. What do I do, Jack? Do I go to it? It feels so much better than the dark, and it looks so beautiful. I can't even describe it. It's not like any kind of lightness I've ever seen before. Please don't cry, I can feel your tears burning my cold hand and it hurts. Don't cry. I'm coming back, I promise, I just want to go and see this light...

Oh Jack, the light's so wonderful! I wish I could show you, you'd love it here. Why are you still crying? It's okay, I'm coming back. It's so beautiful here, I wish I could stay. But you're not here with me, so I'm coming back now, just like I said. Stop crying, Jacky, I'm coming back.

Jack, I think something's wrong. I don't know how to come back. I'm lost. It's too bright. I don't know how to get away from here, Jack, I'm scared. You're still crying. It's very faint. Are you stopping? Or is it fading from my ears? I think I'm getting further away even though I'm not moving. Jack, take me away from here! Why aren't you coming to get me?

I am alone.

I'm trying to grab your hand and shake it, to tell you I'm in trouble, but my muscles won't work. My fingers won't grip anything, they won't link with yours the way they used to, and you're still crying. I don't think you know where I am. You don't know where I am, do you? I can barely hear you now. And I don't think you hear me at all.

I'm panicking. I'm screaming at you and trying to reach for you but you don't seem to notice. Am I not moving? Why can't I move?

I feel like I'm running to you through toffee. It's so painfully slow, I won't ever get to you. The light is making me drowsy, too. I'm tired, Jack. I want to sleep but I'm scared to leave you. I don't want anything to happen to you while I'm sleeping.

I'm just going to lie down for a minute, just to take a break. I won't sleep, I'll just rest my eyes. Stop crying, Jack, I'm just resting. I'm fine.

I might sleep. Just ten minutes. That's nothing. I'll wake up again, don't worry. It feels nice to close my eyes, much better. But I'm terrified to sleep, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Maybe this light isn't as friendly as I think. It's taking me away from you. I don't know what I'd do without you, Jack, I don't want to be here all by myself. Please help me. Why aren't you coming? I know you can't hear me but you must know I'm not really there. Surely. Don't you want me anymore?

I don't think you can help me. Jack, am I dying? I think I might be. Is that why you're so upset? I can't really remember but I think I'm sick. Really sick. It's killing me and I didn't even realise. I don't know how to fight it, or make it go away, and neither do you. You can't save me.

I don't know what I'd do if you left me, Jack. If you had to go, to leave me the way I'm leaving you, I'd want to go too. I'd be so sad without you. I'd never smile again, thoughts of death snatching everything away and misting over any happy memories I can muster.

I think, if you were to leave me this way, the only thing that would stop me wanting to follow is this one memory.

We were watching The Little Mermaid in your room, on your sofa. You love that movie. I never understood why. I teased you and told you it was a girl's movie, and you pouted and pretended to cry. So I tackled you and hugged you, kissing your pout away until your mouth tasted of me. We ended up watching it, The Little Mermaid, not that I minded despite my teasing. It's a pretty cool film, actually, and you got me to sing along to all the songs. I felt silly at first, but you insisted, telling me I had a beautiful voice. I blushed and traced patterns on your stomach, smiling at the way we were positioned.

I was lying flat-out on your sofa, you tucked up beside me. Your back was pressed against my torso and I could feel every bit of you breathing, doing this wonderful thing: being alive here with me. Our legs were all tangled together and I could barely tell who was who but I didn't mind, I liked being a part of you. I had one hand draped over your waist, the hand that was rubbing your tummy gently in circles. I kissed your hair and held you tighter, my eyes on the TV screen. But every now and then they'd glance down to check on you, and I'd blush and get butterflies just from how amazing you were, even just lying there, breathing, you were amazing to me.

I glanced down after the movie was over, and I felt this warm wave of love wash over me seeing that you'd drifted off to sleep. You had this tiny smile on your face and you were breathing softly, gripping my hand loosely in your own. My leg was prickling with pins and needles though, and I tried to move it gently from the mess of yours to get some feeling in it. It disturbed you and my breath caught as you shifted, praying you wouldn't wake up. It was so precious seeing you lost in sleep that I wanted to savour it a little longer.

All you did was roll over to face me, however. I bit my lip, trying to mask a grin even though you couldn't even see me. You tucked your legs up and pressed your arms against your chest, snuggling as close as you possibly could and burying your face in my t-shirt, breathing in deeply through your nose. I pressed kiss after kiss onto the top of your head, smelling the soft scent of your hair and how silky it was against my lips. I kept my arms tight around you, and I realised that this was my favourite day of my whole life, just us together, trusting each other in sleep.

The day was leaving us outside, I could see darkness creeping across the sky through the window. There were enormous dark clouds, and I knew it would rain hard in the night. I nudged my head against yours, easing the pace of my breathing. Let the night take us, all I wanted was to stay here with you and drift off to sleep watching your eyelids flutter in the world of a dream.

It was in the morning, when I was awake first, that I continued to watch you, curled against me with your lips moving. Silently speaking, still in your dreamworld, I didn't want to wake you just yet. I watched the rain bounce off the ground outside instead, peering through the window, for it had indeed poured down in the night and continued long into the morning. It was dull outside, the sky grey and sad as it let the water fall from it, but I liked it. I loved the heaviness of it. It overtook everything, an all-over waterfall letting nothing escape it.

I felt you move beside me, turning your head a little, your nose almost touching my cheek. Your beautiful brown eyes were open, bright and blinking as you pulled yourself from your rest, or perhaps as the dreamworld pulled you back in again to its warm embrace. I peppered your forehead with kisses, bringing my hand up to smooth your messy hair.

"Look how heavy the rain is," I said, gesturing to the window. "Did it wake you?"

You turned your head to look, still blinking and keeping your lips pressed shut, still too close to sleep to process words. You turned back to me, tucking your face into my neck and letting your eyes fall shut again with a tiny nod.

"Did you hear it in your dream, Jack?" I asked softly, almost whispering with a smile.

Your breathing was slowing, your mouth against my skin as you spoke before sleeping again. I don't think you even remembered waking that day, and you were still half-dreaming when you first ever uttered, "I love you, Alex."

I am awake.

The light is being sucked away somewhere. I don't feel good anymore, Jack, it's hurting me. There isn't a quiet brilliance surrounding me anymore, I feel sore and sick. What's happening?

But I'm blinking, and I see you clearer than before. I can hear you, I'm sure I can. It echoes from very far away but I can hear you. You're still crying, but differently than before. You're standing up, fresh tears of disbelief falling from your face as you bend over me. They're hot and salty as they hit my skin; my cheeks, my mouth, my neck. Your arms are going around me, loosely, you're scared to hurt me, I know.

I've come back to you, Jack. I'm here. I must be, because you're shouting something and waving people in, important people I think, with uniforms and stethoscopes. And even though you're crying, I think I can see you smiling. You are, you're smiling. I'm back. I'm here. I won't leave you again.

I remember everything now. I'm very sick. But I don't think I'm going to be sick much longer, Jack. I've come back to you.

And I can almost hear you, but not quite, not just yet. You're kissing me, salty tearful kissing and I can tell by the way your mouth moves that you're saying those words once uttered in a dream again. You have saved me.

I love you too, Jack.