Rendering Flames

I woke with a start, sobbing without being able to catch my breath. My hands came to my face and my legs curled up under each other. I rolled over, looking at the wall with a horrified stare. It was so real. I could feel his touch. I shuttered, my arms closing around my torso. My crying settled but my nerves didn’t.

Had Marcus known about this? Did I ever tell anyone? It would be unlikely, he was my father’s boss. Closer to Kruger than anyone else I probably knew. I felt sick, unable to keep up with the flow of thoughts going through my head until I stopped on one.

My mother. She had knowingly let that happen to me.

And quickly the imagine of her smiling at me when I promised her to be safe wasn’t something I turned to for comfort. Suddenly, promising her to be safe held a whole new meaning entirely for me. Was this why I had that memory? The turbulence that must have caused for me. No wonder I was so bitter and angry as I grew older and began to understand things for myself.

I tried to shake it off as I willed myself to get out of bed. I had been hooked up on saline to compensate for my loss of blood. Peter said he wouldn’t be able to help me if my blood pressure dropped like it would’ve without the saline. I was on a rotation of vitamins and pain medications. I was weak and tired. I don’t remember being awake for more than a few hours a day all week. Usually Orson wants to help me up and around but I didn’t want anyone touching me at the moment, maybe not all day. I felt uprooted but unsurprisingly that being sexually abused would’ve been apart of my childhood. Marcus wasn’t lying about the condition women lived under in Kruger’s territory. And I knew that he must had been sugar coating it. How much abuse did my mother go through? I feel maybe I eventually did forgive her but never let go of what she was capable of doing if she had to.

I also knew of a fraction of what Mila must have lived through her entire childhood and the beginnings of her adulthood. I knew why she was so shut in with Jay. It was invasive, sick, and scarring. It would of been a blessing in disguise if I never remembered it. But a new piece of me came in and I so far there weren’t many redeemable ones.

“You’re up.” Orson greeted me in the main room.

“Yeah,” I smiled tightly, looking around to see everyone kind of lying about.

“Are you hungry? Or thirsty? I can fix some--,” I waved my hands.

“No, I’m okay. I was going to go for a walk if you didn’t mind.” Suspicion fell on his face as he nodded and smiled.

I walked out the door, the screen shutting loudly behind me. There was a stream that wasn’t far ahead. It was peaceful, a good thinking spot to relax. The woods were empty enough to feel safe being on your own. It was a beautiful day luckily. It had been raining lately but it wasn’t humid today really and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

I walked along the trees and heard some voices ahead. I saw Jaden and Alexandria walking right towards me, lost in some conversation. I slipped off to the right, keeping quiet and trying to fit in with the shade of the trees to go by unnoticed. My breathing was heavy though, I was tired already.

As they came up closer, I stopped to lean behind a tree. I listened to a sound you would never hear unless it was in your dreams: Jaden’s laughter. I barely smiled that he wasn’t alone in all of this. We hadn’t talked to much after the fiasco that ensued with his discovery that I was alive and in the same place as him. Maybe he thought I needed my space to heal or he didn’t know how to approach me. Either way, I missed him a lot. Maybe there was a possibility that he didn’t miss me as much. It wasn’t a few weeks without each other. It was a few years. Neither of us could be the same as we were before.

Once I thought they were far enough away, I came back out into the open sunlight and towards the stream. I shivered slightly, although I was wearing a moderately thick jacket. Peter warned me I wouldn’t feel right in a lot of ways for a few weeks until my body replaced all the blood that was lost. I was healing though, that was all that mattered.

I heard the faint sound of the stream but I needed a small rest. My back slid down against a tree to the ground. I brought my knees to my chest as I looked up to the tree tops. The small gusts of warm wind reminded me of that memory I couldn’t get out of my head.

“Be safe, my ass,” I muttered to myself under my breath.

“I’d prefer if you’d at least get back to normal health first.” I jumped at the voice, seeing Jaden looking at me with a raised brow.

“That probably would be the preferable way.” I smiled a little, taking his offered hand to help me up.

“I didn’t see you walk past Alex and I.”

“Oh, I took a different way.” I gestured to around, avoiding eye contact.

“Huh,” he sighed.

Things were quiet and I tapped my foot quietly, biting my lip as I thought of something to say. We weren’t on the same level anymore. It wasn’t like falling back into place, it was off. Maybe neither of us knew where to start. There was so much missed between us.

“Is Alex waiting for you?” My throat was dry and I felt dejected knowing that I felt like I was back to meeting him for the first time again.

“No, she had things to do.” His hands rested on his hips as he looked off into the distance.

“Oh well--,” I started but we cut each other both off.

“Orson isn’t--sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck and I looked to my feet, suffocating from the awkwardness.

“No, it’s okay. What were you about to say?” I tried to sound light and like I wasn’t dying on the inside.

“I was going to say that Orson wasn’t with you. You two are always around each other.” His comment seemed tinged with an accusatory tone.

“Yeah, he wanted to come with me but I don’t I just told him not to worry about it.” I had wanted to be alone but I’d rather shoot myself than come out and say that right now with how things are going.

We stood in silence again and I blew the strands of hair that were in my face. I wondered if I should slip away or force the conversation to go on. Jaden fidgeted and I looked down and saw his hands trembling. He tried to hide it by rubbing his hands together.

“Okay, I don’t like this.” My eyes widened and I gave him a bewildered looked. “Why do I feel like I’m talking to a relative three times removed? What’s wrong with you?”

I shifted and remembered how blunt he could be. “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine,” he defended. “You’re the weird one.”

“I beg to differ,” I scoffed, also remembering of how prickly he could be as well.

“No, you’re the one hiding from me.” His accusation made me almost laugh.

“Hiding? You mean resting from my stab wounds? I am just now able to get up and get around. If anyone is avoiding anyone, it’s you.” His face read inconceivability.

“How am I supposed to visit someone who’s always sleeping?” He deadpanned and I rolled my eyes.

“You don’t! That’s why you come by when I’m awake. Just follow Orson, apparently he’s always around me.” I shot at him.

“What’s that suppose to mean?” His voice hitched with irritation.

“You tell me.” I crossed my arms, my face flushing with the wind dropping to a cooler wave.

“I’m making an observation! You’re always around each other.” He was defensive enough for me looked at him with a stoney look.

“But you don’t say that unless there’s a meaning behind it. It’s like me saying that you and Alex are always together. I don’t because it sounds invasive,” I retorted.

“But you did ask about her. It was one of the first things you asked me about,” taking a small step forward.

“No, I asked if she was waiting for you because I didn’t want to keep you from something you were doing.”

“It’s the same thing! God, were you always this self-righteous?” He made a abhorred face.

“Self-righteous? Were you always this much of a prick?” I balled my fists up at my side.

“You mean honest?” He corrected.

“If that’s what you called it,” I breathed a dry laugh, turning away from him.

The frustration made me dizzy and I leaned into a tree for support. My walk was ruined and the sun was setting. I might as well just head back. I started back but stopped when Jaden also stepped in the same direction.

“Don’t follow me,” I snapped at him.

“Then don’t follow me,” he repeated with as much anger.

His entire body seemed to be vibrating and his nostrils either flared with hot anger or pain. Before I could observe closer, he stormed off towards the stream. I did the same, practically stomped back until I saw the house. It only took me a few minutes to get over the argument to realize how childish we had been. I wasn’t wrong though, he was the one acting weird.