Rendering Flames

“Come on,” Orson tore open the curtains two mornings later. “Get your lazy ass up.”

I grunted, throwing the covers over my head. “Go away.”

“You’ve been holding yourself in here for two days. Some asked if you were dead and others asked if something died because you smell.” I felt him sit on the edge of my bed.

“Screw you.” My voice was muffled by the sheets.

“I’m going to go get your medicine and some water. If you aren’t up when I get back, you get a cold glass of water dumped on you.” He warned but I was unimpressed by his threat.

“No, you won’t.” I snorted.

“Your gamble.” I heard him leave and I peeked out from under the covers.

I sighed. He would dump the water on me, I know he would. So I sat up, feeling my wounds protest. I lifted my shirt up a little, knowing that I had to have them changed. I could shower with them bare now though and Orson was right, I smelled. Partly because I haven’t showered for a few days and the leakage didn’t help either.

“Look who’s alive.” Orson walked back in, handing my the vitamins and a painkiller.

I took them all at once, gulping down to much water, almost choking. I coughed, handing the water back to him.

“I need a shower.” I threw the covers off me and Orson hit me with my towel.

“Should be open so by all means,” he moved out of the way for me.

I hadn’t been out of the room for two days because I was tired and truthfully may have been avoiding Jaden a little. I was still a little bitter but mostly upset because we didn’t reconnect how I wanted us too. I know time changes people, I just didn’t think he could change anymore. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten what he’s like.

The bathroom door was closed and I groaned, knocking on it. “Share the water, come on.”

The door flew open and I was hit with humid air and steam. I waved it out of my face, looking down to see a torso brush past me. I slide into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against it. I had wondered how he healed up.

His skin was raw looking, like if it was just given a little more time it’d look less painful. None of us had the luxury though, especially Jaden. Guilt slowly filled me and I tried to brush it off. I was thinking of him to much like someone new rather than someone old. I just needed something tangible to remind me.

I turned the shower on, letting it run to get hot. I stripped out of my dirty clothes and as I pasted the mirror, I stopped. He wasn’t the only one with scars. The bullet wound from my arm, the small scar from that stick that lodged itself in me when I went down that ravine, and the stab wounds. Then there were the scars on my head and wrist of course and then the snake bite on my forearm. I had more scars than I remembered, they just fade over time I guess.

After my shower, I felt much better. Peter had showed me how to change my bandages after I didn’t have to have them packed anymore so he didn’t have to do it every time. It was easy enough, twice a day. Morning and night. I took the gauze, scissors, out of the medicine cabinet. I first tried to get any other discharge from them because I taped myself up.

I was going to get away today. Not that I hadn’t been such a recluse already but the only way I could start feeling better is if I made the effort to. Like walking and being around people. I wanted to start with walking though, people didn’t sound appealing to me at the moment. And when I went into the main room, there wasn’t anyone there.

“Huh,” I wondered allowed.

There was at least Deven, who’d be reading or knitting. Which was pretty humorous to see because of was a brick wall he was and how angry he’d get when he messes up. Millie would like him. I wonder how she and Beth are doing. I missed them and the familiarity. And god, how much did I want her to know Jaden was okay. If only she were here.

I got to the spring without running into anyone. It was quiet and peaceful. I took a seat on along the rocks, leaning against a dried up log. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, just listening to the noises around me, trying not to think. That was impossible though. My mind always lead me places that I didn’t want to go.

”You have no idea what that did to me!” I yelled, throwing a plate in my hands into the sink. It shattered to pieces.

“Evanna,” my mother’s hands reached for me but I shoved them away furiously. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“That’s a lie.” My breath was shaking as were my hands, “I couldn’t sleep for months. And then I had nightmares for a year and then it happened again. God, it just kept happening. Four times, mother! All before I was fourteen. And I blame father and you.”

“I’m not as guilty as I seem you know,” she started to cry and I’ve never seen my mother do that before, not so freely. “You have no idea, Evanna. Hell didn’t just follow you, it haunted me first.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” I wailed. “You were my protection and since then, you’re just the empty shell that father drags around. You don’t stand up for yourself and you didn’t for me. That is what gets me the most after everything. You abandoned me, mother.”

I took myself out of the memory. I had a headache from the leap out of it but I just didn’t want to see anymore of it. I told myself to stop thinking it but flashes of it just kept coming until I wanted to grab my head just beg for it to stop. Every blink held her face and her broken body. And throughout all of them, I just stood over her with distain in my eyes. I had to have forgiven her eventually. I didn’t want to leave her when I was thrown out. I was afraid for her.

My legs felt restless and I stretched them in front of me, getting up to walk a little bit. I went along the stream, climbing over some rocks before having to slow down as the ground became more unstable. I decided straying from the stream’s edge would be in my best interest. I turned and went into the swell of the trees, my hands brushing against the barked trunks while I was lost in a lazy though.

I choked back a shriek when an arrow implanted itself in a trunk to the left of me. I looked around, fearing that I had walked into something. It wasn’t until I caught sight of Jaden stepping through the trees some feet in front of me that I sighed but quickly grew irate that he scared me like that.

“You could’ve hit me,” I told him with a piqued tone.

“I didn’t though.” He flashed a disregarding smile as he yanked the arrow from the tree.

I sneered slightly, not bothering to argue with him. I went to go on without him but he caught up with me quickly, falling into step as he slung the automatic bow around his shoulders. I tried to ignore his presence but he kept picking his nails and it bothered me to the point of lashing at him to quite it.

“You are always so cheery these days, Dahlia.” He jested with heavy sarcasm.

“Only for you,” I snipped back.

“Are you going to avoid me forever?” He asked more seriously.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” I lied, stepping over a fallen tree.

“No one has seen you for two days,” he reminded me.

“And it immediately has to be because of you, right?” I stopped, looking at him with a dead expression.

“Well, what else would it be?” He offered and I shook my head, continuing ahead.

“You don’t have the privilege of knowing what’s going on with me anymore. And I’m self-righteous, remember? It’d be noble of me to not bother anyone with my problems when we have so much else to worry about.”

Jaden groaned, “I meant that about as much as you meant me being a prick. It was an empty insult.”

“Mine wasn’t,” I shrugged, retorting quickly.

“Well fine then,” he shouted suddenly, catching me off guard. “God, what is your problem? You are so bull headed, Dahlia. Get over whatever it is that is making you such shrew of a person.”

My mouth fell open and I trampled after him, stumbling a few times as he had quickly gotten away from me. I stepped in front of him.

“Fine! Do you want to know what is bothering me so much?” I threw my arms up, exasperated with being angry with him.

“I was bleeding my guts out, literally, when you showed up out of nowhere, Jaden. I was dying. It was scary and you were my little beacon of hope all of a sudden. And when I passed out, you were there but when I woke up, you were gone. Was it so much to hope for that you’d be there for me? You had so many opportunities to just come in and see how I was! You didn’t, not once! That sucked, Jaden. Because I sure as hell was there for you when you burned up your body and was hanging on for dear life like I was. What’s wrong with me, Jaden? What’s wrong with you?”

“I didn’t know this was how you felt, Dahlia. I’m sorry.” He apologized and I was reeling to slap him.

“You didn’t know?” I exclaimed. “You know, I’ve felt so exiled around you that I’ve been to afraid to ask you about Mila and Jay? You do remember that I was apart of that group, right? It’s like I’m some stranger to you. Have you moved on so much that I’m just the dirt on the bottom of your shoes? Because damn, Jaden, you’ve picked some winners. Alex? Oh no, I’m sorry, it’s Alexandria for some reason when I talk to her. She said it makes her more memorable or some shit? God, I want to gag.”

“Alex has been there for me for the past three years, Dahlia. You don’t get to judge her,” he defended.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I feigned, my hands waving surrender. “I guess I just didn’t know that you’re out with the old and in with the new? You haven’t asked about Millie, you’re goddamn sister. Remember her? Yeah, she accepted that you’re probably dead after a year of nothing happening. So did I too. Yeah, dead, everyone! Why not, because what are the chances of ever seeing each other again?”

Jaden didn’t have anything to say as he looked sick with a remorse that I could feed off of at the moment if I could. I couldn’t stop talking. It was just coming up and up like word vomit.

“God, what happened to you? When we were separated--I was practically in love you with you.” I felt the sting of that confession in my gut, keeping my composure.

“And I felt maybe you felt the same way but that’s thrown itself off a cliff a long time ago, am I right? It hurts to see you so happy, as selfish as that sounds. But when it comes down to it, I’ll always want what’s best for you. So here, I’ll make it easy on you. When Peter says I’m golden, Orson and I will head back to where we came from. You won’t have to carry around ever having this,” I gestured between us, “association again.”

I finally stopped talking, knowing I could do plenty more but I figured I’d stop while I was ahead. I stood back from him, feeling so small. When he didn’t say anything for a few minutes, I figured he wasn’t going to say anything at all. So I turned and started back towards the stream, wanting to as far away from him as possible.