Rendering Flames

Until Alex had brought up the term of family, I hadn’t really given much thought to who mine was as of late. I mean, was she right? Had I moved on to think Orson and Beth as my new “family” now? Because I can call Millie a sister. I could call Mila and Jay family, I would always be able to. Jaden, with some brazen honesty to myself, is something different than family but nonetheless is. Everything has faded though. Those few years have passed and now when I find myself in a state of trouble, my mind turns to go to Orson to solve and Jaden to talk to. Alex had rattled me and I hated her for it.

And damn, Mila and Jay? I feel like a sack of bricks are falling on me one by one. The thoughts of them have crept up from the vault I have been keeping them in. In a fantasy, they are just not around but are fine. In reality, they’re either a) dead or b) probably better off dead. I had dealt with a lot of the grief after Millie and I were safe but now it’s just bubbling back up again. The home and family that felt organic and original to be were the days in the hanger. When Constantine would call me a pet name and ruffle my hair or when Millie would just chop that all off. It was a lot of things but they all suddenly feel misplaced.

“There you are.” Jaden stood on the edge of the step down from the door, looking up at the rain still falling.

“Here I am,” I replied, tapping my fingers against my knees.

“Alex is taking care of herself and then we’ll have to finish burning the clothes and stuff,” he sighed, taking a seat next to me. “Do you feel better though? Be honest.”

“I will honestly be okay, just a lot on my mind.” I turned to my eyes to see his hair dripping down onto his shirt, his legs outstretched in front of him.

“Don’t blame you.” He met my gaze, giving me a look that I first mistakened for pity but just knew I was being defensive over my bad luck of late.
It was quiet for a second or two between us before my thoughts got the best of me. “Are we family?”

“What?” He seemed dazed by my question.

“Family, are we that?” I repeated myself.

“Well, not by blood obviously but I don’t know, I suppose.” He shrugged and I tilted my head when the question seemed to just roll off his shoulders.

“You suppose?” I looked ahead of me.

“It’s complicated question, Dahlia,” he huffed.

“I’m not looking for a kumbaya moment, just clarification. But if you’re going to be weird about it then forget it.” I crossed my legs and arms, feeling a little exposed by his sudden irritation.

“I just don’t know why you’re even asking unless you’re having an identity crisis or some shit.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, “family is a closed term for me.”

“Yeah, I get that. I’m not asking if I’m in the same position as Millie is but just-,” I stopped myself from continuing, “forget it, I feel like an ass now.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap, picking at the edges of my nails. But quickly much to my wonderment, my hand was taken by Jaden and laced our fingers together. My heart spiked up to my throat and my stomach got itself in a tizzy of nervousness.

“You’re more than family to me, Dahlia. You’re my entity of happiness. I just thought it was obvious to you.” I slowly peered up to him like he was slightly crazy.

“What?” I responded, feeling breathless. Jaden wasn’t one to lay out his honest deep feelings and I was feeling like none of this was real.

“All clean!” I jumped, my hand flying from Jaden’s as Alex seemed much too perky with it raining and having just killed a man earlier.

“Is there any help needed getting the stuff burned?” Jaden dusted himself up, following Alex inside.

My hands ran down the sides of my arms and then held my cheeks to cool them down. I hide a smile, shaking my head for feeling squeamish about my feelings. I stood up, stepping out around the house and into the rain. My shirt was already damp, a little rain didn’t bother me. In fact, it seemed refreshing at the moment.

I found Orson organizing the stuff him and Peter had brought. I walked up to him, pulling him into a hug. He seemed seemed taken off guard by the act because I wasn’t much a touchy person but he deserved it because whether Alex liked it or not, Orson was my family.

“Thank you for being here for me. I know it hasn’t been easy this last month,” I told him as I pulled away.

“How much of that shit got into your head? Of course I’m here for you,” he scoffed, hiking a backpack up over his shoulders.

“Are you heading back?” He nodded and I desperately wanted to get out of here.

“I’ll join you then. I can’t stand it here any longer.” He looked hesitant.

“You sure you have the energy for that? I’d be more comfortable with you traveling with a few people just in case.”

“In case of what? Besides, there could be some other of those freaks out there. I don’t want you walking back by yourself too.” I wonder what the odds are of running into another sarin wielding psycho.

“Then we’ll wait.” Orson set his stuff down and I groaned, wanting to leave not and then.

I followed him into the house, some smoke billowing out of the chimney that seemed to be holding itself on some broken legs. Peter and Jaden were talking amongst themselves as they shifted and poked the clothes. Alex was sitting against the wall, digging her knife into the floor absentmindedly. I couldn’t help but want to groan again but this time from discomfort. It was starting to feel like my muscles were dehydrated, cramping tightly enough for me to want to shake everything out.

“Do you have any water?” Orson held up his finger, going to get it from his stuff presumably.

I took a seat on the opposite side of the room, far from Alex and observing distance from Jaden. His entity of happiness. I didn’t know what to make of it quite yet. It why I wanted to get back to Peter’s house, to be able to think along the walk. I wasn’t stupid, there have been some tense more than friends feelings whirling around us like moths to a flame. It never acted itself out though. And it wasn’t because it wasn’t the right time or maybe we didn’t feel the same way, there just more important things to act on. There was always going to be something more important to worry about if Jaden and I were to develop closer. I wasn’t exactly confident in myself as well.

I mean for example, Alex. She’s this tall girl with skin that had been out in the sun for probably everyday of her life, it practically glistened. I may not like her very much but she is tough, impulsive, and outspoken. She a girl that could challenge Jaden. She’s a girl that could make him happy and a lot less problems than I did. The only problem is that nothing would ever happen between them now or again if it had once in the past. They didn’t rub me that way. I was feeling territorial around Alex only because she could help Jaden while she’s having a bad day. I’ve been through enough that I could relate to Jaden with no second thought but I what if I couldn’t give him my undivided attention because I’m having one of those bad days? I couldn’t be there for him if I wasn’t her myself.

I broke myself from my thoughts when Orson took a seat next to me, handing me a bottle of water. Taking a big drink of it and capping it off, I looked over to him, my head falling against his shoulder. “I want to go home.”

I felt his eyes cast down to me, not saying anything as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I closed my eyes, tired of looking at the things around me. I ended up dozing off though, exhausted from today’s events. I must have been deep under because when I woke up, I wasn’t in the house anymore. I was being carried and the movement of having to maneuver around the large rocks implanted in the ground must have woken me.

I looked up and shrieked, seeing the man who had attacked me earlier above me, doused in dry blood. “Shit!”

I fell to the ground scrambling away as I ran off through the trees. I jumped over the roots, feeling my heart sky rocket as my muscle locked up. I had to stop, jamming myself into a small crawl hold inside of dead tree, behind a tall stack of weeds. I made myself small, trying to catch my breath.

“Dahlia?” I heard feet rustling to a stop.

I realized instantly what had happened when they said my name and started to cry silently. This had been exactly what I had been thinking about earlier. I make everyone’s bad day worse. So I stayed hidden, covering my mouth as I tried to muffled my quiet sobs. Their feet stepped into my view and I knew it was Jaden, he would be the one to follow me when I’m like this. It was probably instinctual now.

“Dahlia,” he call exasperated and worried. “It’s only me.”

I heard more feet coming towards Jaden and I. If I was discovered her by all of them, I would rather die. How many problems do I have to cause for these people before they just give up? I’m a lost cause and god, Alex must be loving this. Seeing me flip out. She doesn’t know about me this much, about the hallucinations. I should’ve of known that the sarin would screw with my head.

“She couldn’t have gone far. And if she’s hallucinating,” Orson stopped talking, finding his words, “just be careful. She can get violent, at least she has with me.”

“Violent? Should I have my gun ready?” Alex chimed in and my blood boiled at her words.

“She’s not going to kill anyone,” Jaden scoffed. “We’ll split up, alright? But seriously, she’ll take care of herself. Just bring her back.”
“If you say so.” Alex sighed, her footsteps walking off past the tree.

I heard everyone else walk away except for one person. I wiped my face quietly, seeing that my nose was starting to bleed. I brought the bottom of my shirt up to my nose to soak some of it up. Whoever was still here sat down on the other side of the tree.

“Shit.” It was Jaden’s words talking and I was hoping he would just leave. “Stop it.”

I thought he was talking to me, knowing I was here the whole time when he grunted in pain and I remembered that I wasn’t the only one who had been affected by sarin before. And then I felt even worse, making this about me. My running off and disappearing was causing him stress or he was in pain from running. I didn’t know but I felt like an ass.

I heard him take multiple deep breathes before I heard some scratching against the tree before I heard him walking around. “I’m not finding her anywhere.”

Peter’s voice came through the walkie, and I jumped from the sudden sound, hitting my elbow against the tough wood. I bit my cheek in slight pain. “Me either.”

Then it was Orson and I listen to Jaden curse. I heard some other steps come up around the thick of weeds and I pressed myself further into the tree. “I looked ahead. Anyone find her?”

“No,” Jaden told Alex. I could imagine how his face was at the moment. Probably a tight grimace, his forehead tugged into knots.

“I didn’t peg her as crazy above problematic,” Alex ridiculed.

“She’s not crazy, Alex,” Jaden flared angrily. “Today wasn’t her first bout with sarin. She’s been through stuff with it before and in my opinion, it was a hell of a lot worse than how I got hit with it.”

Things were silent for a few minutes. “You didn’t tell me this. You just said-,”

“Yeah, I know what I said. But it’s not choice to give her life story away, it’s hers. And right now I don’t blame her for not sharing it with you. You’ve been up her ass, judging her. I’m not going to ask you to cut it out again.”

“Sorry.” Alex surrendered, “It’s not like I’m getting a lot of history with her though. I can only judge what’s in front of me.”

“And that’s so fair of you, Alex. Imagine if I would have judged you the same way?”

“Yeah, okay,” Alex said quietly. “I’ll stop.”

“Good. Now let’s go back towards the house.” I waited awhile, making sure no one was coming back before I crawled out from the tree and through the weeds.

I stayed quiet, pinching my still bleeding nose as I tip-toed through the woods. As I kept walking, I became more confident that they had already searched this area. The sun was lowering in the sky and I couldn’t bring myself to go and find someone. I was embarrassed and I knew I wasn’t right in the head still. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It wouldn’t be hard to find my way back to that tree and stay in there for the night and go back to Peter’s house in the morning. But for now, I followed the sound of running water I was hearing, wanting to wash the blood that was running down my neck and face.