Rendering Flames

I was startled awake, instantly sitting up and looking around. Millie was sitting on the couch by me and I groaned, laying back down on the floor. The fire beside me crackled lowly but still emitted heat enough to keep me warm. I could hear the tapping of Millie’s foot again the floor, her nails tapping on the mug she held in her hand. It was must be early morning, she seems to be up at the crack of dawn these days.

“I will never understand why you don’t sleep in the bed you have,” Millie sipped her coffee carefully, “but I can understand the allure of the fire, no matter how likely it is you’ll burst into flames on of these nights.”

“Funny,” I mumbled, curling up into the blankets around me more. “What are you doing up?”

“Can’t fall back asleep.” Her smile was tight and I knew what she meant by that so I just nodded, feeling the same way. “Today is two years you know.”

I solemnly looked away, “Already?”

Her eyes swam in sadness, her teeth gnawing at the dry skin on her lip. “Is it bad that I can’t let go? I feel like I should just move on already.”

“I haven’t,” I told her freely. “There’s no shame in missing the people you love, Millie. What’s bothering me the most is the absence of closure; wondering if they’re dead or wandering aimlessly like we were.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes before we both heard Orson’s bedroom door creak open and Millie moved to get up and rinse her mug out. “Well where ever they are, I can only hope they’re happy.”

I knew her testament was a lie. I knew she wanted happiness for them but if that happiness was something like after death, she’d rather they were resentful in the life that they would have now. I could understand the feeling but yet, I had more impending things on my mind.

My hair was much longer, flowing past my shoulders these days compared to the short cropped cut I use to adorn. I had given up resisting my nightmares and hallucinations because it seemed that nothing could be as worse as what had happened. All of my nightmares had come true essentially and by some slim miracle, they had almost all but stopped. Not giving the power gave me my sanity back, like the entity that would haunt me daily had agreed that I had been through enough, that it couldn’t provide me with anymore hellish things than I had already been through.

It was a blessing in disguise but now Millie has caught the bug, waking up daily in a cold sweat and crying into her pillow. She thought I like sleeping in front of the fire because of its warmth but really I couldn’t bare her going through what I knew too well. She handled it differently than I did. I would keep it lock up, she just lets it all out. When I do sleep in my actual bed, she’ll crawl under the covers with me, shaking. When she would do this at first we’d talk about it, but after a while, I knew she needed to feel not alone like she did in her nightmares. I could understand that but I just couldn’t be there for it. I felt like it was contagious, I didn’t want to catch it again.

“Are you coming with me today?” Orson’s voice broke me from my thoughts; he looked at me like he had asked a few times.

“Uh—yeah, course.” I smiled tightly, getting up from my bed of blankets and wrapped all of it up in my arms to toss onto my bed.

I quickly changed, meeting him back out in the living room to see Beth had gotten up as well. She was lazily making something in the skillet for breakfast but I wasn’t very hungry. I threw my coat over my shoulders and stuffed my hair up into the new wool cap Millie had knitted for me.

Orson walked over and gently placed his hand on Beth’s shoulder, gaining her attention. I watched him sign a goodbye, Beth returning the action with a wave. I waved to her as well with a smile. Orson huffed as the fringed air hit our faces as we walked from the cabin.

“So we’re just hitting the market today, hopefully we’ll get a better trade today.” Orson rubbed his hands together to warm himself up or maybe because he had too many nervous habits to keep up with.

He didn’t talk about it but Beth knew how to read him better than anyone, I mean that’s the only way she can communicate with him pretty much except for some lip reading. Money had been tight, Orson’s mysterious jobs had stopped just a little bit before he found Millie and me. I could only assume he didn’t talk about it for the same reason Millie and I didn’t talk about our beginnings to them; to keep them safe. If for some freak reason we were recognized, even though Kruger’s frivolous venture to capture and kill all the escapee’s has dialed down, it was like we had a smell to us that just screamed resistance.

Orson knew clearly what side of Kruger we stood on and while we knew the side he acted on with his jobs was neutral, it was a lie to his true feelings of hatred towards him. Because of Beth’s lack of sense of hearing, it canceled any chances and opportunities because of the imperfection. Basic jobs or even living residences didn’t allow people with disabilities near them because they didn’t want to be reliable when Kruger’s iron fist came down to crush them.

Orson was persistent and tenacious when he wanted something and the something that he wanted was to be able to provide for the roof he lived under. I’ve witnessed how far he would go to do that a few times and the result was Beth signing so fast that even with my knowledge of how to communicate with her was completely obsolete by how furious she would be scolding Orson. Their arguments were silent but the air was loud and heavy when they did. It was almost worse than shouting. Orson had been wanting to go out and venture again but anytime he attempted to tell Beth, she snapped at him and turned her heel away.

Because of Beth’s resilience, there was no denying their relation. Hell, Beth ran the household with a metaphorical whip in her hand. She kept things straight and ordered because it was the only place she could fully control. And ideally, it probably helps keep Millie and I on our toes.

Orson walked a little closer to me when we stepped into the threshold of the small Idaho town. There was still an early morning freeze settling and that made the usually thick crowd thin. I would have thought that Orson would have backed off a bit but he still lingered close, which made me wonder what his deal was.

“What has you on edge this morning?” I nudged him, keeping my voice light.

“Things have been escalating a lot in some areas and now I’ve been getting wind of thefts and Rich has even been getting a little skittish because bounties aren’t petty anymore. Most want torture or for whomever is being tracked down to disappear and only remain with some proof of their disappearance through some token like an ear or teeth, some fucked up shit like that. I don’t like it, something isn’t right around here as of late.”

“Does Beth know this?” As soon as I asked he laughed.

“Shit, yeah she’s totally keeping cool about it,” he lipped sarcastically, “hell no, she’d lock us up if she knew.”

“Now I know why you’ve been wanting to leave again.” Orson was curious to a fault, like it’d be the death of him.

“I have to get on the inside and know what is going on. Even if it means that whatever it is I’m going to do is more dangerous, so be it. The only way you survive these days is to keep your head up and I feel like I can only look down at my feet.”

“Well, promise me you won’t disappear into the night? Beth would dry us all insane with cabin fever—pun intended—if you up and left.”

“Yeah, okay,” he rolled out, walking up to the first table, the last bits of the money we had for this month in his hand tightly.