Rendering Flames

I came upon the stream, kneeling down and running some water over my face. I washed my hands of my blood, bring a small handful of water to rinse over my neck. My nose had slowed considerably but still trickled with blood. I kept rinsing and drank a little of it to get the rusty taste of it from my mouth.

I heard the rocks shift behind me with footsteps and I felt that I had been found. Instead, a gun was pressed into the side of my neck. I almost looked up to the sky as if to say ”really?”. I’ve had enough today, the thought of the person behind me killing me didn’t even bother me. I was numb to the threat of it.

“You’re going to do exactly as I say.” I recognized the voice. It ran across the air like razors, just like it had back at the house when Jaden and I were hiding.

I raised my hands and slowly turned, coming face to face with a man who didn’t quite match his voice. He was the same height as me but had long hair and a long beard. Both were braided tightly. “Lower your arms.”

I started to do so, “okay.”

While I moved, I lunged forward, my hands covering his trigger finger and the other twisting his hands around. The gun shifted until it was turned towards him and I brought my arm up, knocking him across the face with my elbow. A small crack came from his nose as the gun slipped from his hand. I gained control of the gun and stepped back far.

“Whoa, watch what you’re doing,” he warned me, as if he thought I haven’t done something like this before.

I looked and saw he was wearing the same backpack as the gun that had attacked me. I wasn’t going to play around with him, so I raised the gun and fired and single shot into his head.

“Say hello to your friend for me.” My hands shook as I wiped the blood that had splatter on me from my face, probably just smearing it around.

I fell to my knees, starting to sob again as for a second I thought about how nice it would be if he had knocked me over the head instead. Maybe then I would have gotten some peace instead of this hell of a day. I had killed people before and I’ve never let it bother me to much because I thought they deserved it but this guy was only doing his job, regardless of it he had a gun on me or not. I just knew I didn’t give him a chance to explain himself, I had just killed him. The thought made me sick to my stomach so I turned from his bleeding body.

“Dahlia?” I looked and saw Jaden and Peter coming towards me with their gun’s drawn.

“He’s dead.” I tossed the gun to the side of me, looking blankly ahead of me.

“We found her. Rendezvous back at Peter’s.” I was surprised Jaden wasn't calling them all in.

“Are you sure? We thought we heard some shots being fired.” Alex’s voice came through the walkie and Jaden answered with confirmation as he approached me slowly.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jaden. We should-,” Peter started but Jaden started to wave him off.

“We’ll be fine. It’s all good, just meet up with them.” Peter looked hesitant and Jaden insisted until he slowly left.

He set his gun and the walkie onto the rocks then, kneeling down next to me. “There’s blood all over you. Are you hurt?”

His hands came up to my face, turning it side to side to examine me. “I’m fine.”

He then set my face straight again, looking me harshly in the eyes. “Now is not the time to lie, Dahlia. Seriously.”

“I am though.” My voice was monotone as paper, “I’m fine.”

“No.” He kept brushing my hair back as his hands ran down to my shoulders. “You are not okay.”

“Don’t tell me what I am, Jaden.” My eyes started to well up again, “I took care of it. I can handle myself.”

I reiterated what he had said earlier, although he wasn’t aware that I had heard. “And I know you can but Dahlia, you scared the absolute shit out of me. And now I’m looking at you and what I’m seeing is that you’re not okay.”

My lips twitched as I looked away from him, pulling from his hold. “I’m okay for the benefit of not making your day more about what has been happening to me. Everyone else has had a shitty day and I’m the one who ran off and freaked out. And now you found me and I’m not going to add onto your problems more than I have so yes, I’m fine, Jaden.”

I reached over and tossed the gun into the stream, getting to my feet and looking down at my handy work. There was blood all over the place. And I was just too beaten up to feel more guilty than I already did. I could punish myself tomorrow but today I have had enough.

“Dahlia,” Jaden turned me away from my kill. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t want anyone else to help carry your problems because I want to. And so does Orson and Peter and Alex. Everyone cares about you.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Alex is just begging to help me get back on track today,” I gave a dry laugh, “but it’s not worth it though.” I looked down and saw him trembling. His day has been hell and now I was causing him this pain.

“I mean, look at what I’m doing to you.” I swallowed back anymore tears but my voice still gave me away, “and Orson. He thinks I would hurt him? Is that what I am to him when I get like this? I’m this problem, Jaden. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired so just please, stop trying to convince me that this is all worth it for some reason.”

“How did you know that? Orson didn’t really mean what he said.” He stepped closer, trying to catch my eye that refused to look at him.

“I was there. I was in that tree, behind those weeds.” I told him, embarrassed.

“So you heard,” he wondered aloud.

“Everything. I heard everything, Jaden.”

I lowered myself down and started to rinse the blood off me once again. I shook my hands to free them of water and stood back up, seeing Jaden still stuck in thought. “So you heard what I said to Alex and vice versa?”

“Yeah.” I took my bloodstained shirt off, tying it around my waist, leaving just my undershirt on.

“Do you know what I told her then? What I said to her about you?” He snapped out of his thoughts and looked to me.

“That’s not my business.” It didn’t matter if he wanted to make it my business either, he had already had his personal confession for the day.

“I said that you were my equal, Dahlia. We’re equal in understanding each other, we always have been. Even when we didn't exactly get each other way back when we were new to each other. So I know that even though you have all this self-loathing and that you think you aren’t worth it. I want you to look at me,” he came up and made me look him in the eyes, “and understand that your problems are my problems. So stop arguing with it and get over it.”

I carefully stepped forward and threw my arms around his neck tightly, not knowing what to say so I just did this instead. I didn’t deserve him or this hopefulness that he always carries. I was a drag against him. I wasn’t the anchor that held him down and sane like he things, I was the one that kept him from moving forward. But right now, I couldn’t appreciate him more than I did at any other time of knowing him.

His hands kept me close. I didn’t know how long we stood there embraced but I pulled away eventually and pressed my forehead against his. “Thank you.”

My voice was a whisper and again, I looked down guiltily. His hand came under my chin and lifted it carefully to look at him. He had the words on the tip of his tongue but I was brought close enough for our lips to brush against one another and they did enough to send a shiver down me. I stiffened with anticipation and nervousness.

“Just shut up already, okay?” I was too fixated on how close we were to respond to him.

He then walked ahead of me and turned, waiting for me to follow. “Are you coming or what?”

I jogged up after him, thinking that if he asked, I’d follow him anywhere.