Don't Waste Your Time on Me.

"In the space of 8-12 years old, I never found you attractive. You were just my best friend, nothing else. But I remember on that hot summer night, around 4 years ago, when I was just 13, you had the idea to go swimming in a nearby lake. That was really fucking stupid of you, wasn't it? Me, you, Rian and these weird kids called Zack, Matt and Danny (who I had never met before, but ended up being some of my best friends) decided to go at 10pm, when it was almost dark. We arrived and you were the first to strip down to your boxers. What is it with you and getting naked?" Alex then had to briefly stop the story as he was laughing so much at the thought. "Once we were all fairly shirtless, we simultaneously jumped in. Then you splashed me. So I splashed you back. It turned into a full on splash fight. I couldn't deny, even then, the way your face crinkled up when the water came in contact with you was pretty freaking adorable. After a good 40 minutes of, essentially, fucking around in a lake, it was black outside. I was always the sensible one so I made the suggestion to get out. I climbed up this muddy bank and once I was at the top, you followed. I watched you get out and and couldn't control my laughter. Honestly, I wish I had a picture of your confused little face. The tone in which you moaned,"Alex then proceeded to attempt to impersonate Jack. "'Whaaaat? Aleeeex, what is it?' was so hilarious. Then, in between bursts of laughter, I managed to tell you that wearing white underwear may have not been such a good idea. It took you a while to realise what I was hinting, the other guys were practically peeing themselves of laughter, but you eventually hooked on. Within seconds you sprinted to the top of the hill but, being a clumsy fucker, you slipped and broke your fucking ankle. Man, it was hard explaining to my Mom why six 13/14 year old dudes were together, half naked in a lake somewhere at 11pm. I don't know how I got away with it.

That point in my life was when I was really coming to terms with the fact that I was most likely gay but, even though I found you incredibly cute at the time, I didn't think I had a crush on you. Turns out I did. Because, in the back of that ambulance, whilst you were lying there, shirtless -luckily you put some pants on- my heart skipped a fucking beat, I swear. I had never thought like that before, I wasn't even 14 for god's sake, I shouldn't have been thinking like that. As you could probably remember, my whole perspective of you changed from then on. The way I looked at you was the most obvious, I had so much adoration in my eyes. So, so much. People started to tell, I think you did too. I never disagreed with you, never argued, and I'm not sure why. I never told you this though, that was probably my only secret from you, I feared rejection. I didn't want you to leave me. I thought I knew at the time you weren't the same as me. I thought you would hate me and it would ruin the friendship we had built so strong. All of that fucked me up, big time. I'd take all the thoughts I had gathered about you not feeling the same way and converted them into digs at myself. I knew this wasn't good and it would only pile up if I didn't let it out somehow. So I did. I did let it out. By taking a blade and slashing at my own skin with all of the anger I had at myself for being like this. Why couldn't I have been normal? It was eating me alive." Alex then broke down in tears, only wishing Jack was there to comfort him for real.