Miserably Loving You.

Three days have passed since that incident in the restroom at school, three days since I've last spoken to Violet, three days since I've been hiding out in my room.

I know I shouldn't hide away from my problems. I should face them. But right now, right now I couldn't bring myself to do that. Yeah, I was kind of a coward.

I couldn't face my best friend right now, not after that argument--our first real argument. Violet's kinda stubborn so I'm pretty sure she won't be the first to make a move. I couldn't face those bullies at school in fear that they'd do something much worse than burning me with a cigarette butt and ripping my papers.

I couldn't face Ms McQuin after that episode I had. And I definitely couldn't face Leighton. He probably thinks I'm really weird or something. Yeah, I've definitely added to that list of "Reasons Leighton Will Never Fall For You".

Hiding from my problems just felt like the most logical thing to do right now. The only time I left my room was when I had to go to the bathroom.

There was a knock at the door and I knew it was my mom. I knew she was really worried about my outlandish behavior. And I knew she was definitely aware of Violet's absence. We hardly left each other's side! But I couldn't bring myself to explain to her what had happened. Especially what happened at school in the boy's restroom.

The only people who knew about the bullying was Violet and Leighton. That was enough.

I just didn't want to talk about it yet, not the bullying, the argument with Violet, nor the plate incident. I'm just really surprised she hasn't phoned Violet yet.

My mom opened the door without waiting for an invitation--not that she'd get one anyways--and I pulled the blankets over my head, hoping she'd get the hint. She didn't.

"Gage, sweetie, I brought you dinner. Are you hungry?"

I didn't reply. I felt like an awful, ungrateful brat right now but I just wasn't in the mood for talking or anything.

I felt the bed dip as my mom sat down and I felt her hand rubbing my back through the blanket. Tears began to well in my eyes at the simple gesture, but I tried my best to keep them at bay. At least until my mom left the room. Didn't need her to be even more concerned.

"Gage, I wish you'd tell me what was bothering you," my mom whispered. And it made me feel really bad, but I still stayed silent. When she realized she wasn't getting a reply from me she let out a sigh. "You have to go back to school soon, you know?"

After a few more minutes of silence, she pulled the cover back so she could leave a gentle kiss on my forehead before quietly leaving my room.

When I heard the door shut quietly behind her I let the tears fall freely. I was such a wreck.

For the past three days all I've done was cry myself dry and drifted to sleep afterwards due to the lack of energy to do anything else.

And I've also gave up on mending things with Violet. I knew bringing up her parents' divorcing was a bad idea. I knew it'd hurt her and I had no right turning things on her like that.

I knew she only wanted to help. We're best friends after all...or we were.

She hasn't been over or tried to contact me and I'm pretty sure she doesn't care anymore. I screwed everything up. And I can't believe I told he I was in love with someone. I can't believe I used the word love. Speaking of love...

I knew Leighton wouldn't come over either. I was nothing but his sister's best friend (or I used to be) and a mere sleeping aide to him. And now I was probably "the weird, crybaby who lived next door".

But part of me couldn't help but wish that he'd maybe come over to see if I was still alive, to see if I was okay.

I wiped relentlessly at the tears trying to will them to go away. I was sure I'd ran out of tears to cry, but they just wouldn't go away.

~

I sat up rubbing my tired, puffy eyes the blanket falling into my lap. I guess I cried myself to sleep again.

It was darker in the room now and I flipped the lamp next to my bed on. I saw that my mom had left a tray with food on it for me on my nightstand. There was a sticky-note stuck to it with a smiley face and the word "smile" on it in her neat, curly handwriting.

A small smile made its way on my lips. I felt bad that I wouldn't even touch it though. I wasn't trying to starve myself or anything. I did eat the night before. It was almost midnight and I ate a couple of crackers, but I did eat. I just wasn't really hungry.

I reluctantly pushed the blanket off of me and made my way across the dark room and to the bathroom.

It was also dark in the hallway which meant my parents were probably already asleep. I wonder what time it is.

Shutting the bathroom door, I turned the light on, my eyes immediately squinting against the harsh brightness. Once my eyes adjusted to the light I stared at myself in the mirror.

I looked revolting. My hair was sticking up in weird directions, my skin was pale and my eyes were so red and swollen from all of the excessive crying I've been doing.

My only clothing was a long sweatshirt that stopped mid-thigh (and of course I was wearing underwear underneath I wasn't that shameless). I just didn't care enough about my appearance. I mean I wasn't trying to impress anyone anymore.

I quickly did my business and than retreated back into my room and under the blankets.

I lay there staring up at the ceiling wondering what Violet was doing right now and if she missed having me around. I wondered if Leighton even noticed my absence and if he was getting any sleep. I hope he was.

I even contemplated phoning Violet to see how she was doing, to apologize. But instead I just pulled the blanket up to my chin, turned on my side and closed my eyes.

Maybe it was best if I kept my distance. Maybe I should ask my parents if we could move and then I could transfer schools and get away from these bullies, from this friendship that was potentially ruined, and from this unhealthy infatuation with Leighton.

After Friday's mishaps I decided to just give up on Leighton. Why would he ever want a mess like me as a boyfriend?

Yeah, maybe things would be better that way.