Citius, Altius, Fortius

Despite whatever it was that happened at Sid’s house after lunch, I actually find myself looking forward to the Penguins’ annual Christmas skate. Especially since I’m going as Beau’s fake-date. My very own personal Sunshine insists on being a “gentleman” and picks me up at my apartment. He even opens the car door for me and I laugh, thanking him before I slide into his passenger seat.

The skate itself is not as bad as I spent last night and this morning worrying about. After coming home upset and shaking, I finally caved and told Aubrey and Amy all about my crush on the Russian hockey star. Including all about his nightmare of a girlfriend. They spent the night listening to me babble on about how amazing he is, and how awful this Lily chick has treated me since she arrived. Unfortunately, Amy put it best when she said that my only choice now is to get over him and hope that he’s willing to be my friend again. To my cousin, I nodded my head... But I have a feeling that might not be until after the two-time Olympic champion leaves. As if it’s not bad enough that Geno isn’t talking to me anymore, it has to be because of someone who’s accomplished the only thing that I’ve ever wanted in life. Twice.

But here at the skate, Lily and I don’t interact with each other at all. Which I think is a wonderful occurrence. I spend the entire time with Beau and Rob, and occasionally Paul and James when they skate over. While Lily hoards all the time with not only Geno, but Sid as well. Of course it bothers me a little that Sid spends so much time with her, considering he’s my friend. And although I would never make him choose between the two of us, it’s very obvious that she’s the kind of person who wants nothing to do with me, and wants the people in her life to have nothing to do with me either. The pit in my stomach grows while watching her interact with my friends. I’m terrified that she’s going to convince Sid that I’m a horrible person, just like she’s convinced Geno, and all the work that I put into building a friendship with him will be shot to hell.

I also skate around a little with Vero and Marc, who’s cradling Estelle like the slightest breeze will make him fall and hurt her. But then Vero starts asking me about the drive home from lunch and I politely excuse myself to go to the bathroom. When I come back, Vero has moved on to talking to one of the rookies’ girlfriends and I’m relieved that I don’t have to face her inquisition anymore.

As I’m stepping back onto the ice, Geno is skating past me by himself trying to catch up with James. I catch his eye and give him a small smile, hoping that maybe the holiday spirit might encourage him to be my friend again. Or at least be friendly. It’s killing me that he’s barely even acknowledged my presence the entire day. Especially considering I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. But my hopes are instantly dashed when he immediately looks away. It breaks my heart. Shatters it, really. Not even the Christmas spirit can get Geno to smile at me again.

Without meaning to, I get so caught up in thinking about Geno and trying to control my heartbreak that I don’t even see Paul cut in front of me until I’ve collided with him. Thanks to his quick reflexes, I don't go crashing to the ice. But it's pretty darn close.


“Where were you?” He asks, smoothing the back of my shirt where his arm pulled it up.

“Bathroom.” I answer simply.

“No, I mean just now. Up here.” He taps my forehead.

“What do you mean?” 
He sighs, threading my arm into his elbow and pushing off so we're skating around with everyone else.

“Tori, it's very obvious that you've been mentally distant the past couple of days. Since the day at Sid's house. I just want to make sure you're okay.”


I want to scream at him. Tell him that no, I'm not okay. Tell him that my heart is in a million pieces because the man that I thought I was falling for has a serious girlfriend, who is actively trying to ruin all of my new friendships.


“I'm fine.” I lie instead. I can see the disappointment in his face.

“Don't make me call Kaner, Tori. Please?”

I shake my head.

“Not here, Paul. I just... I can't. Not here.” 
I risk a glance over at Geno who has re-joined Lily and Sid and Paul's gaze goes with mine.

“Tonight, then.” Paul says. “Dinner at my house. I insist.”

“Um... okay.” I agree, not really seeing any other option.

“Good.” He nods and skates away, leaving me to myself.


I stop skating and lean against the boards by the bench, watching my newly found friends circle around the ice. It's especially adorable watching as some of the younger kids, like Alex Letang, get their first experiences on the ice. Kris is skating with him, and the little guy looks like he's picking it up fairly easily. For his age, of course. I smile, watching the two of them make their way slowly towards the blue line, only looking away when i feel someone skate up next to me, showering my ankles with ice.


“Hey.” I force myself to say.

“Merry Christmas.” Sid says, smiling.

“Merry Christmas to you, too.” I respond.

“You know, you haven't said anything to me all afternoon.” He nudges my shoulder with his elbow. “I'm beginning to think you don't want to be my friend anymore.”


I almost laugh out loud at the irony of his statement. After all, his “friend” Lily is the whole reason I feel completely unwelcome here in the first place. She's the whole reason my friends have been ignoring me.


“You've been busy.” I say, keeping it vague. Though I'm pretty sure my point is obvious, as his eyes travel over towards the offending person.

“Yeah. I'm sorry about that. It's just.... Lily and I-- um, we don't get a lot of time to see each other. Like-- the Penguins, you know?” He quickly corrects, blushing. “We're all friends with her and we... we miss her sometimes and... yeah.”


Sid's behavior is odd, just like Lily's was the other day. If I didn't know any better, I really would think that Lily and Sid are together. But I do know better. And while Sid's relationship with Lily would be a dream come true since it would mean that Geno is single, I'm not completely stupid.


“Sid, are you coming?” Lily asks, skating up next to us and giving me a dirty look.

“I'm talking to Tori right now.” Sid responds. “But I'll be over soon, okay?”

“Alright, we’re finishing up and heading over to go get a picture with Santa. I guess catch up later or something.” Lily rolls her eyes and pushes off, returning to Geno's side. Geno is now holding Estelle, which just serves as a painful reminder of the night that I thought we had something together. He just looks so natural holding her. I sigh, thinking about how great he was that night. How it made me feel like maybe there could have been something serious between us.

“Are you okay?” Sid asks, resting his hand on my arm.

“I'm fine.” I lie for the second time today. I can tell he knows I'm lying, but unlike Paul he leaves it alone. I motion towards Beau. “I should get back to my date, huh?”

“I guess so.” He responds with a frown.

“See you later, Sid.”


I push away from the boards and head over to Beau, linking my arm around his. I think he can tell that something is wrong with me. But I diffuse his worry with a smile, as fake as it is. There isn't a lot of time left for the skate, so I hold on to Beau's arm and spend the rest of the time trying to forget about Geno's odd behavior, Lily's extreme and obvious distaste for anything that has to do with me, and Sid's strange ignorance to the tension between his friends. If there's anything positive to take from this disaster, it seems as though not all of my new friends are going to follow Lily Rivers and stop talking to me. I still have James and Paul and Rob. Even Vero and Marc. And I feel like I will always have my Sunshine. She’s just taken the one that I wanted to be my friend the most.


“Don't forget, dinner at my house tonight.” Paul reminds me as I'm taking off my skates.

“Wait. you said no dinner tonight at your house.” James interrupts before I can respond.

“No dinner for you, Nealer. Just dinner for me and Tori.” Paul clarifies.

“Are you trying to steal my woman?” Beau asks incredulously. “After I've worked so hard to finally call her mine!”

“If I was Tori I'd leave you for Paulie too!” Rob laughs in Beau's face and ruffles his hair, instantly causing a wrestling match to begin between the two Penguins youngsters. Of course this is the point where the terrible threesome joins the crowd, and I can see from across the locker room when Lily rolls her eyes at the two. I swear, I don't understand why she even comes to visit the guys. Other than Geno and Sid, she doesn't seem to care about them at all. She's just wrapped up in her own self-importance.
“It's not a date, James.” Paul says seriously, bringing the attention in the room back to dinner tonight. “Tori and I just have some things to talk about. And we want privacy for it.” I see Sid’s head pop up at Paul’s words, The two share a quick look, Sid nodding when he understand’s whatever it is Paul is trying to convey.

“AKA no Nealer.” I wink at the forward, distracting myself and everyone else paying attention. “But you can come over after dinner and watch a movie?” I add hopefully.
“Count on it.” James snorts.

I pull up to Paul’s house a couple hours later, after Beau has dropped me off and I spent a decent amount of time thinking about the disaster of a conversation I’m about to have with my dear friend.

“Hey, come on in.” Paul says, pulling the door open shortly after I’ve rung the bell. “Dinner should be ready in just a couple of minutes.”
“Okay.” I say, following him through his living room and into his kitchen.
“Wine?” He offers.
“Sure.”

Paul pours each of us a glass and checks on the oven, smiling to himself. He pulls a pan out and makes quick work of serving it up.

“This looks great.” I say, sitting down at the table.
“Thanks. I’ve been wanting to try a new recipe, so if it’s terrible, let me know and we can order takeout.” He laughs.

He has nothing to worry about, though, since it tastes just as good as it looks. I tell him so and he smiles, happy that it worked out.

“You’re going to make someone a very happy woman one day, Mr. Martin.” I joke.
“Ahh, I hope so.” He blushes.
We’re both silent for a moment before he looks at me again, a change in his eyes that makes me know that the conversation topic I’ve been hoping to avoid is upon us.
“So what’s going on with you and Geno?” He asks.
“Nothing.” I say, not lying.
“That’s a lie and I know it.” He says, seriously.
I shake my head.
“It’s not. I thought-- I thought maybe there could have been something between us.” I admit. “But then I found out about him and Lily and... and I wanted-- I wanted to still be his friend, you know? But then--then Lily showed up and it’s so obvious she knows how I feel about him and she wants nothing to do with me and now she’s probably telling him all about how I’m a terrible person because I’m pining after a taken man and that’s why he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

It all comes out in a rush and I can’t do anything to stop it. But, truthfully, after it’s all out there’s a sense of settlement in my stomach. I’ve told someone who personally knows everyone involved what I’m feeling and now it’s all out on the table. When I look up, Paul has an odd expression on his face.

“So... you have a thing for G?”
“Yeah.” I swallow. “I guess so. I--I’m trying not to anymore, though.”
“Why not?”
“Because of him and Lily.” I respond, giving him a look.
“What do you mean, him and Lily?” He asks, looking slightly amused.
“I can’t have a thing for a taken man, Paul! That isn’t okay.”
“Geno isn’t-- oh. Oh! You think Geno and Lily are together?” He starts laughing, making me confused.
“Aren’t they?” I ask.
“No!” Paul chuckles, shaking his head. “Oh, Tori... Lily’s dating-- Geno and Lily are just friends. More like brother and sister, really. Like you and Kaner.”
“Oh.” I say, the new information processing in my brain. Geno isn’t dating Lily. Better yet-- he’s completely single. But if that’s the case..... “So why doesn’t Lily like me?”
“That, I don’t know. Personally, I can’t see a reason why she wouldn’t. But...” He pauses, thinking for a moment. “Lily is a really private person. And she’s fiercely protective of those she loves. Like Geno.”
“I find it hard to believe she actually cares about anyone. So far I’ve only seen her acknowledge Geno and Sid.”
“They’re who she’s most comfortable with.” He admits.
I guess that makes sense, since Sid is Geno’s best friend. Of course she’s comfortable with him. Although....
“You said she’s dating someone?” I ask.
“She is.” All the pieces are starting to fit together in my head.
“It’s Sid, isn’t it?”
“Look, Tori... The whole team doesn’t even know, okay? So this isn’t something you can go around telling people. There’s a very select group of people who are allowed to know about this. And the only reason I’m telling you now is because Sid said it’s okay.”
“I won’t tell anyone.” I promise. “Though.... they might want to be a little less obvious about it if they’re trying to keep it a secret.”
“Subtlety is not either of their strong points.” Paul laughs. “At least, not when it comes to each other.”

“Do you think--do.... is there a chance...”
“Is there a chance for you and Geno to be a thing?” Paul asks, saving me from my fumbling. I nod my head. “I think you’re both stuck right now. I think both of you are keeping each other at arm’s length. But if you two find a way to break down the wall between you, there definitely could be something. I’ve never seen the big man look at a woman the way I’ve seen him look at you.”
“Are--are you sure?” I ask, feeling a little glimmer of hope for the first time in a while.
“Yeah, Tor. I can see it in his face, you know?”
“So why doesn’t he even talk to me anymore?” I ask, mentally exhausted. “He-he won’t even look at me. Ever since she came around.”
“I don’t know.” Paul admits. “It very well could be something with Lily. I don’t know. But I can tell you that he really enjoys spending time with you. He lights up in a way that I’ve never seen before.”
“I-I think I really like him, Paul. He’s--he’s so different, you know? From any other guy I’ve ever liked. He makes me feel like I’m someone special, the way he actually listens to what I have to say. He supports my career and clearly isn’t just with me because I’m an Olympian.”
Paul smiles at me and I blush, realizing I’ve started embarrassingly blurting out about my crush on the Russian.
“I don’t know what’s going on with Lily, but I don’t want you and G to both miss out on each other. Just don’t give up, okay?” Paul looks like he wants to say more, but I guess he decides not to.
“I won’t.” I promise, shaking my head. “Especially now that I know he’s single.”
“And interested.” Paul winks.
“And interested.” I giggle, nervously.

Fortunately for me, that seems to be enough for Paul. He changes the subject, asking me about how the diving season is going so far. We talk for a while, finishing up dinner and an entire bottle of wine before texting James to join us for a movie.

Nealer, predictably, gives us shit for our non-date before settling into the couch. I spend the majority of the movie zoning out, thinking about Geno and how I can get him to talk to me again. I honestly can’t even tell you the name of the movie, I get so distracted by the new wave of information that hit me during dinner. Part of me is so incredibly relieved. Geno is single, and apparently into me too. But part of me is still hung up on the fact that he’s so easily swayed by Lily’s opinion. An opinion that clearly involves ignoring me like the plague. If he’s that swayed by someone else’s opinion--no matter how important she is to him-- do I even have a chance? I mean, the cold-hearted snowboarder clearly has it out for me. Not that she even has a reason to, really. I’ve been nothing but nice to her. I’ve even offered up my gym-- my sanctuary-- to her. It infuriates me. Forget the dating thing, who gave her the right to tell Geno who he can and can’t be friends with?

The movie ends and I decide to head out for the night, before Paul can give me any more information that might break my thoughts. I thank him for dinner and hug both of them good night, climbing into my car. I can tell Paul wants to say something more- again- but he choses not to, eyeing James instead.

I almost zone out on the way home, more focused still on what Paul told me rather than driving. When I get there, I spy my two cousins lounging on the couch on their computers, going through Amy’s online photo gallery. I feel a little guilty, since I’ve been closing myself off from them. I’ve been holding back, not wanting to admit the mess that I’ve gotten myself into. I grab my computer and join them, melting into the comfort of my own couch. I’m doing a pretty good job at distracting myself with Amy’s portfolio until I come across one specific photo of an outdoor ice rink. The sign is clearly in Cyrillic, and I know it must be from Amy’s trip to Russia last year. I can feel the blood drain from my face, and my heart suddenly wants so badly. My fingers and toes go numb. I can’t feel anything else besides the pounding of my heart. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of movement or the lack of breathing that alerts my cousin, but Amy’s attention is drawn to me, causing her to put her laptop down and motion for Aubrey to do the same.

“I’ve had enough of this closed-off shit.” She bluntly states. “Tell us what’s going on.”

Suddenly it’s like an emotional Hoover Dam has broken, words and thoughts and fears and tears and everything comes pouring out of me. I tell them both everything- from finding out about the nature of Geno and Lily’s relationship to the mountain of feelings that have been building up over him. They both listen patiently, offering up their advice when necessary, and staying thoughtfully quiet when they need to be. And by the end of the night, not only do we have a Hail Mary plan, but I also have the perfect Christmas gift for Geno.

-----------------------------

As soon as I ring Geno’s doorbell, I immediately regret the decision to come here. While I know from my talk with Paul that he’s single, I’m still not sure if he even wants to be my friend anymore. I think, for whatever reason, he’s made it pretty obvious that his loyalties lie with Lily. But I can’t help but want to break down the wall that’s been built up between us in order to get my friend back. It’s why I’m showing up on Christmas Eve with his present in my hand, knowing full well that Lily is out with Vero and Geno is home alone.

I-I can’t do this. I can’t face him. I start to turn around and walk back to my car, but as luck would have it, the door swings open before I have the chance to escape.

“Tori?” Geno’s confused voice asks from the doorway.
“H-hey Geno.” I stutter, turning back around to face him. “I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I just...” I panic.
“What you have?” He asks, inspecting the semi-large package in my hands.
“It’s- um. It’s your Christmas gift. From me.”
I offer it out and he takes it from my hands, inspecting the wrapping cautiously.
“You want to come in?” He asks.
“Sure.” I don’t hesitate.

I follow him into his house, marveling at how well the cozy inside contradicts the ostentatious outside. It’s very Geno, I think. At least, from what I can tell of the main hallway.

“Your house is beautiful.” I admit, blushing.
“Thank you. My mother and Lily helped decorate it.”
“It’s very you.”
“You can leave your shoes.” He says, pointing to the closet.
“Oh, no. I won’t stay too long.” I respond, shaking my head. I know Lily could be home at any point, and there’s no way I want to deal with her today. “I just want to see you open that.”
He looks a little relieved that I wouldn’t be staying, which breaks my heart a little bit.
“I’m open now?” He asks.
“Yeah.” I offer.
“Is not Christmas yet.”
“I’m Polish. We celebrate on Christmas Eve.” I shrug.

He nods, accepting this, and I follow him into his kitchen with my shoes still on, where he places my present on the counter. With a small glance towards me, he begins to carefully rip the paper off, revealing the distressed wooden picture frame. He turns it over, revealing the photo inside. His eyes widen when he recognizes the location. But he stays silent. He’s quiet for so long that I feel like I have to say something.

“My cousin, Amy? She’s studying photography, and got to travel to Russia last year through school for an entire month. She spent a couple days in Magnitogorsk, and this is one of the photos she took while she was there.” I explain. “I--I was helping her look through her online gallery a couple days ago for her portfolio when I came across this one. It made me think of you, so I got it framed...” I trail off.

“I know this place.” He finally says.
“I figured you might.” I respond, looking at the photo of the outdoor ice rink. The clear lines from where someone was skating stands out on the ice against the fresh dusting of snow. It’s a beautiful photo, one that I think any hockey player or figure skater might relate to.
“Is where I’m learn to play hockey.” He admits.
“Really?” I ask, surprised by his answer.
“Yes.” He says, looking me in the face for the first time in what seems like weeks.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Yes. I’m learn to play here when I’m little.”
“Wow.” I whisper. “I-I hope you like it, then?”
“Yes. I like very much.” He smiles.

His smile hits me hard. It’s exactly what I’ve been missing since he started distancing himself from me. It’s warm and genuine and so-- so Geno that it makes something in my stomach flop. I can feel the familiar stretch of my muscles, pulling me into a smile as well. How could I not smile, with him looking at me like I’ve given him the best gift he could ever receive? I can’t believe Amy happened to take a photo of the exact rink where Geno learned to play hockey. And I just so happened to come across it a couple weeks ago out of the thousands she posted. It’s almost like it’s-- no, I won’t say it.

“I’m so glad you like it, Geno.” I say, almost a whisper.
“Thank you.” He says.
“You’re welcome.” I respond.
“I--um. I have to go now.” I say. “I have to be at the gym soon.”
He nods. “How is training going?”
“Pretty good, actually.” I smile bashfully, glancing down at my hands briefly. “I’m working on a new dive that only a handful of people in the world have ever successfully performed. No one currently competing is doing it.”
“That is amazing.” He says, holding my gaze with his.
“Thanks. It’s-- it’s not ready yet. It won’t be for a while. But maybe by Rio, you know?”
“I’m hope so.” He agrees.
“It.... it was nice to see you, Geno.” I admit. “I’ve missed seeing you.”
“Yes.” He looks down, an ugly frown crossing his beautiful face.
“Why are you frowning?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“I’m miss you, too.” He admits.
“Oh.” I say, seeing the sincerity in his face. “Well, maybe... maybe we can spend some time together? When--” I don’t want to say when Lily leaves. Not after finding out how close they are to each other. “When everything settles down?”
“Maybe.” He agrees, though he doesn’t sound as hopeful as I would have liked.

I fear she has poisoned his mind too much at this point. Even when I’m practically throwing myself at him, he still wants nothing to do with me. I know I’ll still try again once she leaves. Because I’m too stubborn and enjoy torturing myself. But realistically speaking, it still looks like my window of opportunity with Geno is closing at an alarming pace.

“I really have to go now.” I say, interrupting the silence and the internal pain I’m causing myself by thinking about what I can’t have.
“Yes. Have to practice trick so win gold.” He attempts to joke, though it falls flat. “I’m show you to the door.”
“Thanks.” I whisper, wanting so badly for him to just ask me to stay instead. Ask me to cook lunch with him in his gorgeous kitchen and watch a movie together. I would say yes in a heartbeat. Forget training. But he isn’t asking me for that. He doesn’t want that.

“Oh, can you give this to Lily?” I ask when we get to his front hallway, grabbing the envelope from my bag containing Lily’s un-cashed check and handing it to him.
“You get present for Lily too?” He asks.
“No.” I shake my head. “Just giving it back. I don’t want it.”
He gives me an odd look but accepts the envelope, tucking it into his jeans pocket.

“Thank you again for the gift.” Geno says, opening the door for me.
“No problem. Like I said, I saw it and just... thought of you.” I blush, looking at the ground.
“Is very nice. Reminds me of home.”
“I’m so glad you like it.”

He gives me a timid smile and I don’t hesitate before wrapping my arms around his middle and pulling him close to me. He stiffens, but I don’t let go. I don’t care how much Lily tries to ruin the relationship between us, I’m going to fight to keep Geno in my life. I’m going to fight to keep him smiling at me like that. He gives in after a second, wrapping me in his embrace. Part of me wants to fist pump, but I know that wouldn’t be appropriate.

“Merry Christmas, Geno.” I whisper, pulling away.
“Merry Christmas, Tori.”

Later on, after an hour or so on the tramp and a quick shower, my cousins and I pile into my car and head to our grandparents’ house. It’s my favorite time of year, for no other reason than because it brings our entire family together. Some people might find Christmas Eve with the Dabrowski family overwhelming. It’s loud and busy, and completely hectic. But it’s also filled with so much love that you can’t help but smile the entire time.

I find that Christmas Eve with my family always helps to clear my mind of every stress and strain going on in my life. It resets my brain to remember who I am and what has gotten me to where I am now. I couldn’t imagine my life without my large support system.

“AUNT TORI!”

I barely get a warning before my twin nephews George and Robbie are jumping on me, pulling me down to the carpet and launching their tickling attack. Russ is right behind them, encouraging them to continue. I laugh, trying to tickle them back as much as they both are tickling me, but it’s hard when I’m outnumbered. They only stop once my grandmother calls us all in for dinner.

As I’m sitting down at the kid’s table, which I’m proud to still be a part of, I get a notification that Russ has tagged me in a tweet. It’s a cute photo of the boys and me on the floor. He’s captioned it in Polish, making fun of me for getting beaten by two four year olds. I favorite and retweet it before putting it away.

I end up having Robbie on one side of me at the table, and my cousin Aron’s eight year old daughter Jasmine on the other side. Since Aron and his husband Dan can’t have kids of their own, Jasmine and her eleven year old brother Ethan are both adopted. Jasmine is originally from India and Ethan is originally from Guatemala. But we love them both just as much as we would if they were born into our family. We always say that the two of them were born for the sole purpose of becoming part of our family.

Jasmine lets me know that she’s just started taking more advanced gymnastics classes, and that she’s working hard to make the competition team at her gym. She tells me all about the skills she’s working on, and it makes me proud to hear how well she seems to be doing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Aubrey’s little brother Jon telling a story to Steven with big, animated gestures. It makes me so content-- so happy to see my whole family here together.

When dinner is finally over, the whole family crowds into the living room where dozens of piles of presents are waiting for us all. As a rule, we don’t buy for everyone in the family since there are so many of us. All the kids get presents from everyone. But once you turn sixteen, your name goes into a hat and we draw for gifts at Thanksgiving. It takes a little bit of coordination to get everything passed out to everyone, but with so many helpers it goes by quickly. And suddenly everyone is tearing into their gifts.

The rounds of “thank you” begin as the kids are still tearing into their toys. My uncle Adam’s wife, Patti, drew my name so I make sure to thank her for the gorgeous Team USA Alex and Ani bracelet. It’s exactly what I wanted. As I’m slipping it on to my wrist, a rogue ball of wrapping paper hits me square in the cheek. I look up, only to see Tom looking suspicious and trying not to laugh. I narrow my eyes at my oldest brother, crumpling up the wrapping paper in my hands. I let it fly, but unfortunately it doesn’t have enough weight to make it all the way across the room. Instead, it hits his wife Deb. Deb gasps, looking up at me with a smirk, and before I know it there are wrapping paper balls being thrown across the room at random. I make sure to nail each of my brothers at least once, though I also seem to be one of the main targets.

Eventually the nonsense stutters to a stop, ending with everyone laughing and breathing heavily. Although this is exactly the same thing that’s happened every year since before I was born, it still hasn’t lost it’s entertainment value.

After presents are over, a couple of the family members with younger children begin to head out, so the kids can get to bed before Santa comes to visit. I kiss all of my nephews and nieces good night, promising to see them again tomorrow. Aubrey and Amy decide they’re ready to get back to our apartment too, so we say good night and pile into our cars with James, his girlfriend Holly, Amy’s brother Brian and Steven.

As a rule, my family doesn’t necessarily condone underaged drinking. But holidays are an exception. As long as we stay within our apartment and no one gets in trouble, the parents don’t mind that we’re supplying two nineteen year olds with alcohol. Brian and Steven are in college anyway, so we know they have experience with the stuff.

We’ve had a couple of drinks each, sitting around the coffee table in the living room playing cards, before the subject I don’t want to come up makes an appearance.

“So how did Geno like the photo?” Amy asks during a lull in the conversation.
“He loved it.” I respond. “He recognized it and played there when he was younger.”
“Wait-” My younger brother interrupts, slurring a little. “Geno? As in Malkin?”
“Yep!” Aubrey responds while I hide my face in my hands.
“Why the fuck did you give Malkin a photo?” Steven turns on me.
“Because it’s Christmas.” I respond.
“Because she’s in love with him.” Amy says at the same time.
Aubrey and Amy immediately start giggling, and Holly joins them. James, Brian and Steven all look like someone slapped them.
“That’s not allowed.” James says.
“No.” Brian shakes his head.
“Absolutely not.” Steven agrees.
“Oh, come on!” Amy protests, with Aubrey nodding in the back. “He’s such a sweetheart. And he’s sexy as hell.”
“And he’s got a thing for Tori.” Aubrey pitches in.
“No he doesn’t.” I try to stop the conversation in its tracks. Just looking at my brother’s face, I know this isn’t going over well with him.
“He totally does.” Audrey says, poking Brian’s shoulder. “You should see the way he looks at her when she isn’t paying attention. He gets like that heart eyes emoji and shit. It’s sickeningly adorable.”
“He’s also a professional hockey player.” Brian responds.
“And we all know what that means.” James nods.
“Can we please stop talking about Geno?” I beg, polishing off my beer.
Steven snorts and raises his glass, seconding my request.
“Fine, fine.” Amy giggles.
“But only after I make my official statement that I’m completely in favor of Tori and Malkin dating.” Aubrey slurs.
“Me too.” Holly agrees, gaining a nasty look from her boyfriend. “What?”
“No.” James states firmly.

Fortunately for me, everyone is drunk enough that James’s declaration is the final point. We move on as a group, to a new round of beers, a new card game, and a new topic of conversation.

The next morning I’m sufficiently hungover, but I’m also completely satisfied with the events of the evening. Despite the bit of time where we discussed Geno, I had a wonderful evening with my family.

Steven and I move about the apartment sluggishly, awake well before anyone else, getting ready to head over to our parents’ house for Christmas with the McKinley side of the family. I pull on a pair of sleek black yoga pants, an oversized Christmas sweater, and my favorite knee-high boots. I tie my hair up in a ponytail and throw on just enough make up to hide exactly how hungover I am. I throw skinny jeans and a nicer sweater into a bag, along with my makeup, for later when everyone else comes over.

“Are you driving or am I?” Steven asks as we pull on our jackets.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll drive if you want.” I offer.
“Okay.” He throws both his bag and mine over his shoulder while I grab my gifts for the family and we head down to my car. The elevator ride is silent, both of us not wanting to talk too much. We get down to the parking garage and into my car before he breaks the silence.
“All that stuff last night about Malkin...” He starts. I look over at him, raising my eyebrow before putting on my sunglasses and starting the car. “How serious about him are you?”
“I’m not that serious.” I sigh, pulling out of the parking spot. “I don’t really have a choice in the matter.”
“What do you mean?” He asks.
“It’s... complicated?” I question, more than state.
“Is he seeing someone else or something?” He asks, making me snort.
“No. He’s completely single.”
“Is he not interested?”
“I’m... I’m not sure.” I admit. “Paul says he is. And there are times where he acts like it. But I don’t know.”
“See, this is why we don’t want you dating a professional athlete.” Steven slumps down in the passenger seat.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“He’s nothing but trouble, obviously. He’s either a player who’s leading you on or he’s gotten checked in the head too many times and is too stupid to realize what’s right in front of him.”
“It’s not that at all.” I try to explain. “He’s got this.... friend.”
Steven groans, cutting me off.
“What?” I ask.
“He’s got a fuck buddy or something?”
“No. She’s just a friend. Like me and Pat.”
“Now that’s a professional athlete I could support you dating. Him or Toews.” He smiles over at me.
“That’s not going to happen, Steven. Not unless Jon and I are both still single in ten years. You know that. But Geno’s friend doesn’t like me so she’s kinda been keeping us apart.”
“Why doesn’t she like you?”
“I have no idea.” I sigh, pulling into my parents’ driveway. “Look, can we just not talk about him for the rest of the day? I’d like to have a nice Christmas.”
My brother looks at me, nodding his head.
“Okay. But don’t think I’m keeping this from Tom and Dan. And definitely not Russ.”

I accept the condition, knowing that I’ll have to deal with my youngest brother at a later date. I know he will be the hardest one to convince that Geno isn’t a bad guy. He’s the one who I talked to the most when I was having problems with my last boyfriend. He knows exactly what I went through with that whole ordeal. And that means that he’s now the most protective of me.

Despite dragging our feet from the hangovers, Steven and I are still the first pair to arrive to our parents’ house. We let ourselves in and slide into our usual seats at the kitchen table, just in time for mom to serve up breakfast.

“Merry Christmas.” She greets us, dropping a large helping of eggs on Steven’s plate.
“Merry Christmas Mom.” We respond in unison.
“How hungover are you this morning?” She asks with a wink.
“I’ve been worse.” I admit, chuckling.
“But definitely feeling it.” Steven agrees.
“I still don’t see why I’m not allowed to go.” Russ pouts.
“Next year.” I promise, knowing that our little Christmas Eve group will be gaining two more members as Russ and Amy’s brother Nick will both be turning eighteen this year.

The rest of the morning goes smoothly, as always. Breakfast is delicious and Tom, Dan and Josie all show up just as we’re finishing up. The kids run around for a little while, showing everyone their new toys. With six kids under the age of five, it takes a little while to get everyone together. But with the promise of more presents to open, we eventually get it done.

Christmas morning with just the immediate McKinleys is usually my second favorite time of the year, right after Christmas Eve with the Dabrowskis. It’s time well spent with just my nieces and nephews, and brothers and sister.

And then the circus comes in.

The rest of the McKinley clan is.... well, they’re a nightmare, to put it simply. They’re selfish and drama-filled, and spending time with them usually ends up with fights and tears and way more frustration than is necessary. Most years, Russ and Steven and I end up hiding out with the little kids just so we don’t have to deal with the judgmental comments about our lives and self-serving conversations.

Unfortunately, before I can get to our safe-haven in the basement with the little ones, I get cornered by my cousins Bethany and Kristen. They ask me about Pat, of course. I tell them simply that he is home with his family in Buffalo for Christmas. They’re instantly disappointed and suddenly have no interest in having a conversation with me. Which is fine, since that means I can get away.

My brothers and I get to escape for long enough that our interaction with the rest of the family our age is limited to Christmas dinner and the gift giving. Unlike last night, dinner is awkward and intrusive, rather than fun and entertaining. Everyone feels as though they have the right to comment on the success of Tom and Dan’s company, Josie’s second pregnancy, Steven’s social life during his first semester in college, Russ’s recruitment possibilities, and of course my decision to train for another Olympics. My aunt Rita seems to think I’m delusional for wanting to go for gold again. Though she never believed I could make it to the Olympics to begin with. Russ always says he thinks she’s just jealous that her kids are disappointments in life, while I am already a success and still have more ahead of me. It’s that thought that gets me through her declarations that I need to give up on this “silly fantasy” and find myself a man to support me for the rest of my life.

When we get to them, the gifts given have little thought or personality, though I still properly show my appreciation. But the moment I can, I seize the opportunity to help my mom clean up from dinner while everyone is making their way out the door, avoiding anything more than a simple goodbye.

As soon as I walk into the door of my own apartment, I heave a huge sigh of relief. The McKinley family exhausts me. Dragging my feet, I wander into the kitchen where Aubrey is searching through our collection of wines.

“What are we drinking tonight?” She inquires without looking up at me.
“I’m drinking a glass of water and then going right to bed.” I answer as I pad towards the cabinet to pull out a glass.
“What? Why?” Her head swivels around.
“Because it’s been a long day and if I drink any more tonight I won’t be able to get up tomorrow morning.” I fill the glass from the spout on the refrigerator and take a long sip, enjoying the refreshing cool water.
“So sleep in tomorrow!” She persists.
“I can’t. I have to get to the gym and get a training session in. I’m making up for missing today by doing a cardio workout and a full body lift.” I finish off the glass and start to head towards the hallway to my room.
“Who the fuck goes to the gym the day after Christmas?” Aubrey asks.
“Those of us who are fully dedicated to winning an Olympic gold medal!” I call over my shoulder, smiling at her.
“Just don’t fuck up your wrist even more. I need you for NCAAs.” She winks.
“You wouldn’t be too upset if I didn’t compete at NCAAs. Then you would win!” I tease.

She laughs and I head in to my room, ready to fall into bed and crash for the night.