Misplaced Words

Dear Diary,

Today did not go as planned. I wanted today to be a laid back day with just my Zac. Of course, though, he feels the need to be out in the open all the time. I don’t get why he is like that. We rarely ever spend time as just the two of us, alone. He doesn’t mind showing me off to friends, which I guess I should be happy about. But jeez, I thought it was just us in the relationship. Practically a year with this guy and he doesn’t get that I would love some alone time every once in a while.

Anyway, today we were hanging at the breast cancer rehearsals and he was being all whiny about how I lack affection for him. He’s really starting to get on my nerves with that. It’s been a little hard to be lovey-dovey with you lately, my bad. He even complimented the showy display of affection that Aaliyah and….ugh, must I even write his name? They make me sick.

I wasn’t kidding when I told Zac that all of that laughter and kissing was just a cover up of what happened behind closed doors. Ever since Aiden arrived on campus I’ve had a hard time being round him. He has a dark history that no one else knows about. How do I express that to Aaliyah though? I’ve never even uttered a word to that girl. All I know about her is that she was Naomi’s best friend and obviously drama-prone. Though she has managed to keep her name clean this school year, it’s all thanks to that boyfriend of hers. I know exactly why.

He used to date my sister back when they met in Italy for her foreign-exchange assignment , and it wasn’t a pretty relationship. I guess Aaliyah will just have to find out the hard way. With the stage that they’re at now, it seems to me that she’s not too far from seeing who Aiden can really be.

Enough of his name in my journal. Back to my dear Zac. I hate that, even though it’s obvious that he gets upset when I act all stiff towards him, he doesn’t push. He rarely ever pushes. Again, I guess that’s a good aspect for him – he doesn’t try to get into anyone’s business. But come on! I want him to genuinely show anger towards me! Shout at me, make me pour my deepest thoughts out and make me vulnerable to you! Push me up against a wall and kiss me – no doubt I won’t resist a gesture like that. Just…I don’t know. Tell me that everything will be all right.

On top of avoiding Aiden’s attention, which I do quite easily thanks to his new victim, I can’t get my mind off of things at home. I’m really worried about Dina. She’s off making a fool of herself again – most likely recovering from yet another bad break up. She won’t tell me that though, she thinks that she can hide things from her naïve little sister and I won’t notice. Well, I’m not a little girl any more. Just because we don’t live together any more doesn’t mean I can’t hear the hurt in your voice. Or the way you dance around certain topics and suddenly need to hang up the phone when I bring a touchy subject up. That girl needs help, but she keeps saying she’s fine. I’m sure mom is fed up with it, but of course she’ll go to all lengths to help Dina out; that’s her daughter after all.

So there, Zac. I know you’re not reading this, but still. I apologize if I don’t seem as loving as I was before. There are too many things weighing on my mind. Maybe being in a relationship is just too much on me right now? No, I should be fine I know how to handle the different aspects of life appropriately I guess he’ll just have to deal with me this way for a little longer. Especially since he won’t pry like the ‘perfect’ boyfriend that he is. Sometimes I see the disappointment in his face and I wish I could give him more; the love he actually deserves.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe if I spend more time away from him, I’ll crave it? Run-into-his-arms kind of stuff? Sometimes I do feel the need to lace our fingers together and remind him how much he means to me, especially at times like these. Yet, Dina keeps seeping into my mind, reminding me that all relationships end up in the dumps anyway. No matter how perfect your boyfriend seems. I hope you felt that, Aiden; the mental daggers I’m sending your way.

When Zac and I first started going out, that whole bad-boy facade he had was quite the catch. It was kind of hot actually. Yet when he got tired of the act and returned to his usual self, I liked that better. The ease he had with letting go, and being comfortable in his old skin – I guess I forgot how to do that. I’m too busy keeping a hard-shell because I’m afraid that with one jab at me I’ll fall apart. Dina really does mean a lot to me – I hate that she’s throwing herself at all these guys. Who knows what could be happening to her? What if she’s being taken advantage of? Even abused? I can’t bear that burden on Zac, it’s not his fault that any of this I happening, he should have to worry about it. I want so desperately to tell him though. That’s what you do in serious relationships, right? Otherwise you waste the other person’s time. I wouldn’t know. I’ve dated a total of two guys and I thought nothing of it: we’d walk to classes together, make out, maybe catch a movie, but that’s pretty much it. That would last for a month or so. I’ve been with Zac for way longer than that. I’m not sure how this stuff works! My mom and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to men or relationships in general. The only other person that I’d care about their opinion is my sister but, like I’ve mentioned several times before, she’s not doing such a good job herself.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to vent for this week, oh sweet journal of mine. Until next time.

- Dana A.