Misplaced Words

I hold baby Christopher as my way of helping Tania out as she checks that she and Jack packed everything in the apartment before they move. I lift his little body above my head and he gives a gentle giggle causing my heart to melt. I can’t believe today is their last day here. I am going to miss them so much. I love Tania. I love sweet little baby Chris. I even love Jack. I am going to miss having them so close. I mean we spent almost every moment together. I will miss babysitting this little one. I lower baby Chris and hold him close to my chest. He makes a series of baby noises and I coo at him.

“You will be an amazing mother.” Tania says before walking into the closet to recheck the hangers.

“Thanks Tania, I am really going to miss you guys.” I stare at Chris, “yes, I am.” I coo at Chris, "I really, really am."

I am going to miss everyone so damn much. I never really had friends before MJA and now I have so many. I feel like the Fowler family moving is the first sign that everything is about to change. I mean, in less than two months Vic and the boys will be gone. Then time will fly by and the rest of us will all graduate and leave this place behind. I will be so far away from my friends. I will be leaving my sister and the tattered remains of our relationship behind. I feel sadness wash over me temporally, I stare at baby Chris and a single tear slips down my face. No, no I don’t have time to dwell on this now. There is too much going on, especially with today being the Breast Cancer show.

“I can and will visit as much as I can.” I say while looking at Chris.

“Good,” Tania said while scooping her son out of my arms, “because I don’t like the thought of you not being a constant in my life.” She gives me a sweet smile, “you are the best female friend I have ever had.”

I hug her and Chris as I fight back tears, growing up sucks. She sniffles and we break the hug.

“Well, I have to go meet Jack at Menus so we can make our goodbye rounds before the show.” She smiles sadly, “see you later.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tonight.”

She walks out with Chris cooing the whole time. I just stand a few moments in her mostly emptied apartment and sigh. These places will go back to being empty shells, or go to other people, like they were never once the places we had once called home. I shuffle back to my apartment and fling open the door, new boxes from home depot are stacked in the corners. We are already thinking about packing since in a few months we have to be out. We both know that school work and events will take up time and we think should start early. Maybe we will start next week. I shut the door with more force then I intended to close it with and I stare at the boxes some more. This is it, my last few months in the place that completely turned my world upside down.

I decide to head over to the closet and pull out my memory box. I want to reminisce a bit. I look at old pictures of me and Ally when we first got here. There is one where she is laughing and making bunny ears behind my head, another with me chasing her with a cup full of soda. I put the pictures down, reaching for the plush Tony had gotten me when he came back from warped tour, I squeeze and smile. I grab two ticket stubs from the time I saw The Theory of Everything with Roxy. I pull out the yellow beanie that had once been Vic’s favorite but he had given to me while we were dating. I pulled out my cap from my high school graduation. A wrapper from my favorite chocolate that Zac brought me. A picture of me on Mike’s back while shooting water from a water gun at Jaime. A love note from Vic, my fingers tremble as I dare myself put it down without reading it. I place it down, only to see underneath was the first picture we took, his hands wrapped around me from behind with him whispering something in my ear. Suddenly the words are ringing in my ear.

“God Lizzy, you are just so damn beautiful.” Then he had laughed at my facial expression.

The one of shock, embarrassment and flattery caught in the picture. I trace the edges of the picture before putting it down. Under that was a guitar pick from my first concert. A drawing from my youngest brother, and my diary. I quickly pile all the stuff back in and shove it back in the closet. I take deep breaths, that diary has one of my razors taped insides the front cover.

“Hey baby,” I almost jump when I hear Kellin’s voice. “Are you okay?”

“Uh, I don’t know.” I clear my throat, “I was going through one of my keepsake boxes and I found an old diary. I guess it kind of freaked me out.”

He wraps his arm around me and kisses the back of my neck, “do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” I yawn, “but I would like to nap for at least an hour before we have to rehearse.”

Anything but talk about the cutting, anything.

Kellin yawned in response, “Yeah, baby Chris did not want to let us sleep last night.”

"You want one of those," I nudge him.

"I sure do."

I laugh as he grabs my hand and leads me to bed. We kick off our shoes and snuggle up. I steal a few kisses before I drift off into a dream.

___________________________________________________
“Catch!” Tony yells as he throws Mike’s Harry Potter scarf at me.

I barely catch it before Jaime snatches it away and starts running with it. I laugh as I watch them run around in circles playing keep away from Mike. I love these three, they are so in sync, it’s really no wonder that they are the perfect band. I sit myself on the couch in Tony’s room trying to make myself as small as possible so I can be out of the way. That's when Vic bursts into the room with a huge smile on his face.

“We got it! We got the warped tour gig!”

I get up and scream with the guys, jumping up and down like an excited kid. Vic swings me towards him and kisses me passionately which causes me to blush. I am still trying to get used to the attention even though we have been dating for a little over a month now.

“This is the best day ever.” He lifts me up and we spin.

“Lizzy,” Jaime shouts after Vic puts me down, “promise me you will go to warped tour with us.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

___________________________________

I wake up with guilt pressing down on my chest, of course I did miss it. I lied to him, that sweet, amazing guy. I hurt my boys as much as I hurt Vic with the distance I put between us. I love Kellin and his band of misfits, but I never connected with his band like I do with Vic’s. I flip and press my face against the pillow. I really wish these memories would stop popping up like this, but the doctor said it’s all a part of the recovery process. My mind is healing itself and filling in the gaps, but it hurts. It hurts so much more then I let on.

I get out of bed, rushing to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face, that’s enough sleep for now. I am not in the mood to relive anything else right now. I grab my phone and decide text my boys. I really miss them after that dream.

‘I love you guys! We need to hang out and soon. xoxo’

I hit send and sigh, I know everything will change in May but there is a lot of fixing that needs to be done before we move on with our lives. I want to stay friends with every person I have grown to love at this place. I put my phone down and look at the boxes again, I won’t be afraid of what’s to come.
I just have to face it with certainty that everything will work out.