Misplaced Words

I sit locked away in my room everyday. I know that this whole place smells like a distillery. If I hadn't promised Naomi, I would be cutting too, to help with this pain. Since, I gave Naomi my word and now that’s all that’s left for me to give her I stick to it. I found comfort in Ally as we grieved together; I forgot how much I needed her. I had forgotten how much I missed her living on campus. How much I missing her late night chats with me. She is such a huge part of me. I am glad that she is back, especially now that I need her so much.

I hear my door open and I know its Ally, the only ray of sunshine in my day. She comes in and sits on my lap right away. I wrap my arms around her and breathe in the scent of her skin; she is so real, so comfortable. I feel the booze warm my blood as I take another swig, Ally grabs the bottle and starts drinking too. I know where this leads, it’s the same place every time and you know what, maybe if we would have just been together Naomi would never have died. Maybe that one action would have spared her her life.

Soon Ally is giggling, she is such a lousy drunk but with her body relaxed in my arms I feel relaxed too. She starts telling dumb jokes and I am laughing uncontrollably. I laugh until my stomach hurts from all the laughing, then I reach for her and press my lips against hers. She wraps her arms around my neck and responses immediately. She pulls my hair, bites my lips, scratches my arms, and bites my neck. The gentle Ally gone, replaced with this fierce, hunger filled Ally. This is how we deal with our pain. I look forward to these moments when I am not alone. The moments when Ally is my rock, when she is my everything. Right now, she is what’s keeping me alive.

I wake up a few hours later to the sounds of Ally puking into the toilet. She really is such a lousy drinker. I walk into my bathroom and hold her hair back as she purges her body of the poisons. She has tears streaking down her face but that doesn't mean that she won't be doing the same thing tomorrow. When she is done, she brushes her teeth and I carry her to place her onto my bed and lay her down. We cuddle together and drift off to sleep.
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I hear her laughter before I see her face; Naomi is hovering over me wearing a smile. I know what that means; I must have fallen asleep again while she watched one of those sappy movies she loves. I laugh and lightly nudge her face away from me, I don’t bother with pretending to be annoyed like I usually do, I am just too happy to see her smiling at me. She lays her body on top of mine and giggles.

“Victor, why do you always sleep through the movies I pick? I managed to stay up during Wayne’s World and I am pretty sure Pearl Harbor is more interesting then that movie.”

I pinch her arm lightly, “Don't diss the Wayne babe.”

She rolls over and bites my chin delicately, I give her my best wounded look. She just rolls her eyes and laughs.

“You are not fooling anyone Victor, I know that didn’t hurt.” She tries to sit up but I lock my arms around her.

“How do you know that it didn't hurt?” She squeals and squirms in my arms.

“Because I know you silly,” she nips at my wrist, “my angry little love bites never phase you.”

“Well you are right about one thing,” she tilts her head back to look at me, “they don't hurt.”

I let her go, only to flip her over and start tickling her. She giggled and kicked, trying to block me from tickling her more but all her attempts failed. She used the ultimate defense against me, she kissed me. I will always be too weak to fight off her kisses. I relaxed into her, careful not to press too much of my weight into her body. Her lips and mine just seem to move as one, it feels like this is where my lips always belonged, here pressed against hers. I feel myself relax in a way I guess I never really have before, or never allowed myself to relax before anyway.

I love Naomi but even with her I can't forget about Ally. It’s just me and Naomi we fit so perfectly, how could I be thinking about someone as messed up as is Ally. I mean Ally shouldn't even be popping up into my mind like this. She came to me when she was taken, twice! Besides Ally and I would never feel like this…right? I shake my head and laugh as I pull away from Naomi, I look into her hazel eyes and my heart melts. She is all I could ever want in a girl. She is loyal, funny, a great cook, an amazing kisser, willing to try new and adventures things. She isn't afraid to say what’s on her mind or defend herself, she knows and respects her limits, and she sees the best in people constantly. Best of all she always so happy, she is my perfect balance. I know I love her and that without a doubt she loves me too, me and only me. I have never had that confidence in anyone before.

“I love you Naomi, you know that right?” I brush her hair from her face.

“I love you Victor, you and only you, always.”

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I wake up and my heart re-breaks into a million pieces because she isn’t here. Our always has ended before it even had a chance to really start. I feel Ally shift against me and guilt consumes all of me. How many times did I imagine Ally by my side while Naomi was mine? How many days did I wonder if I made the wrong choice? I feel like I can’t breathe the guilt is squeezing my chest so hard. Now I will never have a chance to make it up to her, never have the chance for her to again remind me that she was the right fit for me. I could feel my throat closing as the tears threaten to come once again. As if she could read my mind, Ally wraps her arms around my neck and sighs gently against my skin.

“I miss her too Vic. I love her and I miss her. Now you are my only best friend in the whole world, so don't ever leave me ‘kay? Because I need you, I always have and always will.” She pulls away and looks up at me giving me a sad smile as tears slowly roll down her cheeks.

“I promise Ally Bear, no matter what I will always be there for you even if distant keeps us apart.” I cup her chin and give her an equally sad smile.

“I love you Vic.” Then we just lay in each other’s arms silently crying over the girl we can never get back.