Misplaced Words

I fuss over Chris as he squirms and grunts in my arms, I know that he wants to be put down. I sigh and kiss his forehead before I place him on the floor near his toys. I can’t believe that he is six months already, where does the time go? He used to want to be in my arms all the time. He needed me to hold the bottle for him and to help him sit. He used to need me so much more than he does now. It is both a reliving and scary feeling, I never knew that being a parent would feel like this. Ever since he started to sit up on his own, he craves a sense of independence. I feel my heart ache a bit, with the knowledge that gradually that will lead to him being off on his own. He will one day create a whole new world for himself. My little man, I sit on the rocking chair and go back to setting up the “arrival” box that I am making for him. I smell his newborn hat before putting it in the shadow box, given to us curtesy of Tony. I gently place his first picture of the hospital in the corner and feel a tear slip down my cheek. His face has changed so much since then. I also place the little paint prints of his feet and hands into the box. I seal the box and look at Chris as he sits up with a toy in his lap. A stuffed giraffe that Mike gave him, with a card that said, ‘You have to love giraffes best or evil wins.’. He laughs as squeezes its head while I chuckle about the card.

I am so grateful for the lifelong friends that I have made at the Academy. My life has truly been changed because of them. It’s because of them that Chris’ nursery is complete in our new apartment. If they didn’t use all their time during the weekends to help us set up it would never have been done so quickly. I get up, switch off the lamp and sit on the floor so I can watch Chris. His nightlight sparks to life as he shoves his teething ring into his mouth. I reach the top of his night stand to flip the switch on a star projector that Lizzy brought him and he coos. He automatically lies on his back so he can gaze up at the lights. I am so happy Lizzy gave us this, it can keep Chris still for at least an hour, he loves it that much. Not to mention how it soothes him to sleep, which is exactly what I need right now. I lay on my back next to him and stare at the stars on his ceiling. I can feel myself relaxing, a few minutes later I hear his breathing even out and I know he is fast asleep. I look at the time, the clock face stares at me with 9:00 in red numbers. I smile, happy in the knowledge that he will sleep through the night. I carry him over to the crib and kiss his forehead. Tomorrow is the big day, our graduation ceremony.

Of course the day is off to a hectic start. Chris is fussy and I am trying to soothe him while slowly applying makeup. Jack is in the shower singing Chris’ favorite song in an attempt to soothe him. My mother in law keeps calling to ask for directions. Every time my parents’ call, my mom is crying about how proud she is. Dad continually asks if we need anything, despite the fact that I keep telling him no. It all feels so overwhelming, I am afraid we will never make it to the campus on time. Thankfully, Lizzy and Kellin arrive early to pick us up. They immediately start helping, she grabs Chris and tickles his tummy making him laugh and relax, thus relaxing me. Kellin irons Jack’s shirt and steams our gowns. Plus, they brought us breakfast so we wouldn’t have to worry about it. I am about to cry because of how amazing they are but, I contain myself best that I can. I already know the emotions will be running very high today. I am feeling a mix of anxiety, excitement, and relief as I slide into the backseat of Kellin’s car. Chris laughs as Jack straps him in and Kellin makes silly faces behind his head.

The drive felt short, and as soon as we are standing backstage, I start to fidget with Jack’s gown making sure it looks perfect. I kiss him before I pull my cell phone out of my gown’s pocket and snap a picture of us together, all dressed up to end this big chapter in our lives together. I am so touched that the Academy allowed us to have an early graduation ceremony. Even allowing our family and friends to come and watch. Now they are all sitting and waiting for us to sit on stage, eager for this moment to begin. It means so much that we get to have this experience. It’s nice that we are all still invited to come to winter fest; despite the fact that none of us will be considered students of the Academy anymore.

I look over at Pierce the Veil and think about how they are leaving to start their careers. Taking a big leap of faith and chasing their dreams. I can feel myself swell up with pride. I have had the incredible gift of not only knowing these remarkable guys but, also being able to work alongside them. That is what this school is all about, meeting people who change and shape your life. They shape how you look at the world and how you look at your talent. I notice Vic step away from the guys, he is holding the graduation cap to his chest and openly crying, maybe thinking of the hell he went through here. Maybe thinking of how he has grown here. Maybe he is even thinking of what the future could hold for him. Whatever it was, I won’t leave him alone while he is crying. I walk over to him and hand him a tissue, from the small pack I have in my pocket. He takes it, wiping his eyes and gives me a weak smile. He stands silently while I look at him waiting for him to say something.

Balling the tissue up in his hand he says, “I guess, it’s just an emotional day. A lot of changing is going on, that’s all.” He grabs my hand with his empty hand and squeezes it gently, “thanks, for everything.”

I hug him and feel my eyes fill, I am going to miss seeing everyone I love every day. I always thought that graduation, marriage, kids and all that adult stuff would be so far away but, it’s here. This is my life; I am an adult now. It all feels so much more real in this moment, as if living on the campus sheltered me from the reality of it all. In a way it did, we didn’t pay bills here and didn’t have to make any real decisions on our own. In the apartment we have now, we have to decide everything, from the furniture to the color of the walls, and how we can save the most money. If I am honest, so many decisions, big and small, start to make everything feel overwhelming. Of course, it’s exciting too. I love my life and everyone in it. I think of Chris clinging to Jack’s mom in the audience and I start to cry with Vic. Everything is so real now, we are leaving our safety behind and entering the unknown.

“We’ll be all right Tania, its seems scary because of how traumatic this year has been.” Vic says softly, “I mean this place holds on the memories of me and Naomi. Now I will be leaving that behind, heading off to do what I always dreamed of doing with no idea how any of this will turn out.”

We stand like that, crying for a few minutes, until JT calls our names to line up and walk into the stage. I turn to look for Jack and he is right behind me, just like I always know he will be. He takes my hand and smiles at me. He leans in close and brushes his lips against mine, wiping the remainder of my tears with his empty hand.

“Like with everything else, we are doing this together babe.” I beam up at him, and feel the warmth of our love fill my chest.

I am so confident that whatever comes next Jack will always be there. That no matter what life throw at us, we have each other to lean on. That’s what matters most to me, having my boys by my side. I walk onto stage and spot my baby boy, right away my world feels brighter. This is what I live for, my family and my dreams.

The ceremony was beautifully done; JT’s speech made me cry and cling to Jack. We all joined hands on that stage, knowing that this will be the last time that we are all together here like this. I see Lizzy crying in the crowd, holding onto Kellin so tightly that I could see the strain in his smile from her grip. I am so happy that we are all going out together because I need to spend another eventful night with them all before our real lives truly begin. One more night of the gang, carefree and young, before everything changes for good. Needless to say, I am so excited for Karaoke and the memories we will create tonight.