Misplaced Words

As I sit on stage, my hand being held firmly by my wife, I can’t help but think of the years I have had here. They play like a movie inside of my mind. I remember my first day like it was yesterday, pulling up to the academy with my dad. He unloads the trunk of the car with a stray tear sliding down his face, talking about how proud he is of me for chasing my dream. Kellin crashing into me like he hasn’t seen me in years instead of months. Eagerly showing me around like he already owned the place instead of being there two days before me. I didn’t know then how much our friendship would grow, and a large part of that is because of Ally. I look over to her sitting next to Lizzy. Her face is tight, I could tell she was uncomfortable and feeling on edge. The movie in my mind jumps to one of my favorite days here, back when the four of us were inseparable.

I tug at Ally’s hand, laughing at how nervous she is. Lizzy, however, looks so calm, like Kellin’s hand in hers’ is all she needs in her life. Kellin grins at me, as if Lizzy can sense his smile she beams. Her eyes willfully closed, no need for a blindfold, unlike stubborn Ally. Ally is so difficult, she stomped her foot and insisted that she sees where she is going. It took ages to get the blindfold on, Kellin and Lizzy had to hold her down. That should have bugged me, but I found it kind of cute. I won of course, I look at her with a thick black cloth over her eyes and smile. She fusses, pouting as I pull her along. We aren’t doing anything grand today; I just love the element of surprise. I pull Ally into the very same studio the four of us usually hang out in, the smell of pizza filling the air. The four boxes of pizza sit open at the center of the room with candles and autographed guitar picks thrown around. We had an open notebook for Ally to write and of course a computer set up to record the music we would make today.

“Yum, I smell food.” She instantly relaxes, I swear the girl thinks with her stomach.

I walk up to her and kiss her lips gently while removing the blindfold. I step back and her eyes never leave mine, something, I don’t know what, shines through her eyes. Before I can really let myself think about it she is heading toward the pizza.

“My true love.” She groans and grabs a slice, she takes a big bite. While she is still chewing she adds, “re we goring to do a srjong todegher?”

“Ewww,” Lizzy playful hits Ally’s arm, “wait until you are done eating. I can hardly understand you anyway.”

“Are we going to do a song together?” She finally swallows dramatically and opened her mouth extra wide while she speaks. “I think that would be pretty cool.”

Lizzy rolls her eyes and leans against Kellin. He is rubbing her shoulders absentmindedly and she pushes her body closer to his with joy lighting up her very being.

“That’s the plan Jackie Chan,” I say rather lamely.

Ally laughs, and takes another bite while batting her eyes at me. How is it that she can make everything she does look so damn good? She giggles like she knows what I am thinking and takes another delicate bite. She is clearly toying with me, I grab the slice from her hand and manage to eat most of it.

“Hey,” she hits my arm,” you jerk. I am going to write the song about how you stole my pizza.”

“Jack stole my pizza.” She and Lizzy belt out at the same time.

Kellin rolls his eyes and leans over towards me, stage whispering to me, “how did we end up with these crazy sisters?”

It was the simple times that meant the most to me. I think the song we wrote is still in my laptop, somewhere amongst pictures of Chris and love notes written to Tania. The story rolls on to Vic pushing me into the pool a few weeks after Ally and I broke up. He said I need to cool off and think things over. He is a good friend, done some screwed up things but, I have to respect that he was always honest with me. I look over at him, his hands in a two tight balls on his lap. He is wearing a bracelet that Lizzy got him when they were dating. I can still remember that day she handed it to him. I can see it like it just happened a few hours ago, I guess time is just funny like that.

We were sitting in the student lounge, Vic and Lizzy were nearing the end, we could all feel it. Not that any of us would say that out loud. She runs into the student lounge we are hanging out in and throws herself onto Vic. Catching him and frankly all of us, off guard. We hadn’t really seen much of her this past week, she pretty much spent all her time studying with Kellin. Another thing all of us didn't talk about. Mike gave her a confused look, we all like her but I am not sure if she realizes how Kellin looks at her. I am not sure if she realized the silent tension she caused between the bands. I am just hoping it all passes and we can be as cool as we have always been.

She is breathless, flushed and smiling so wide, “baby I have been looking for you everywhere.”

“Well, here I am.” He sounds a bit guarded, Gabe nudges me and we frown as the tension in the room grows.

“I have a gift for you.” Her eyes light up; she hands him a rubber bracelet.

His face lights up, “Oh my god baby.” He kisses her deeply, “where did you get this?”

Such a passionate reaction to some band merch, I thought.

“I got it made.” She says shyly, blushing under his intense attention. “I thought it would be nice for you to have a PTV bracelet now. You know, so you can keep your eye on where you guys are headed.”

He has never once taken that thing off, and to be honest, whether Kellin has noticed or chosen to ignore it, she has never gotten the small tattoo with his name removed. Maybe he doesn’t know about it, of course he knows about it. He probably just acts like it doesn't bother him. Wait, did she add a few letters and change it to Victory? Does that change the thought behind the tattoo?

It was the night of one of my famous parties, no Ally since she got drunk at the first one and Max took up all her time. I bailed from my own party with Vic, Lizzy, Roxy, Mike and Jonny. Everyone had drunk a little too much and we decided to head to a tattoo parlor. Lizzy got two tattoos that night, a matching glow-in-the-dark tattoo with Roxy. It's behind her ear, it simply says forever and Vic’s name written in red at the top of her spinal cord. She didn’t even flinch when the needle hit her skin, I had forgotten about them until she went through chemo and the hair hiding it was gone. Maybe she forgot it was there, maybe it doesn’t matter because to her, he will always be someone important. Maybe she really did change it, who knows. It's not like Kellin has anything to worry about, we all know that at the end of the day, Kellin is her world.

I look over at Tania as I remember that night, the tattoo I got, running along my ribs are the words she had written to me in ninth grade. She had given me a note because I was really sad that my band at the time broke up. I kept saying that I would never get to be great. So to cheer me up she wrote: ‘You will be great Jack Fowler, you are already great.’ I got it as a reminder to keep pushing forward, and never stop chasing my dream. How could I have ever loved anyone but her?

She looks at me at that moment and smiles, “I love you.” She mouths, “Always.”

I lift up her hand and kiss it, she is the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. Allowing myself to truly let go and love her. Letting her heal me and show me what love really is, that is the best thing this academy gave me. Who knows what would have happened if I never came here. I wonder for a moment what I would be like if Ally said yes when I proposed to her, would I be this happy? Would she be happy at all knowing that she settled for someone who is not Vic? I look into Tania’s eyes and I know none of that matters because she was always who I was supposed to be with. She knows me better then I know myself.

I look at my mom, thinking about my dad again and I feel the tears making their way down my cheeks. Chris is laughing as my mom makes silly faces at him, trying to keep him quiet throughout the ceremony. I wish my dad could have met him, so he could teach him how to be a good man like he taught me. I am so afraid I won’t get this right. I hope its normal for parenthood to scare someone this much. As I get handed my diploma, I feel a sense of pride well up in my chest. I can hear my Dad's voice in my mind telling me that I can do anything I put my mind too. I know that that includes teaching my son to be the best man he can be.

When I am adjusting my tie after the photos we took Lizzy and Tania head to the bathroom, giggling as they walk away. I am so happy those two are close and she never resented Tania for being with me so soon after I broke up with Ally. Kellin stands next to me and pats my back.

“I am proud of you man. You have done so much here, really grown as a man and as a musician. I am honored to have someone as amazing as you play alongside of me.” We hug and I swear I hear him sniffle, when we pull apart he smiles. “It’s going to be weird not having you so close.”

“I know dude, but at least we will still see each other at practice.”

“Of course,” Kellin looks around and spots my mom, “she is taking care of little man tonight right?”

“Yes,” I smile, seeing the mischief in his eyes.

“Then we can get wild tonight, you guys can crash with us and we will drive you back in the morning. Do you think she will mind?”

“Nope, I think she would love that. It would be nice to have a drink; I haven’t had one in ages. I feel like I was the one pregnant and breastfeeding.” We both laugh at how ridiculous that sounds. “So I heard Lizzy’s movie got cancelled but she nabbed a part in one of the upcoming Star Wars episodes. How do you feel man?”

“Bummed,” he sighs, “that means my family is on hold until they start filming and the whole thing is behind her. It's not a lead anyway and the deal was one lead role.”

“That sucks.”

“It really does.” He picks at his tie and I could tell he is trying to keep his disappointment contained.

“Well, good thing time flies.”

“Yeah.” He gives me a weak smile.

When I let my gaze fall behind him I see Tania and Lizzy are running towards us with bright eyes and wide smiles. Kellin perks up at the sight of his wife with a real smile on his face. He may want a family but he loves her so much just her presence takes that pain away.

“What’s up?” Kellin asks.

They shout in unison, “I’m pregnant!”