Misplaced Words

“It’s hard for me to admit but I don’t go to check up on Ally and Vic because I am scared of what I will discover.” I rock baby Christopher in my arms as Tania lays on the bed listening to me vent. I was grateful that Jack went out with Kellin so that I could have this time with her alone. I needed to say what had been on my mind for a while now. “I mean I love them both very much, and I know that they are knee deep in grief. I am pretty confident that they are traumatized like the rest of us but I am still hurt because I know that they have both betrayed me.” Chris coos in my arms and I kiss his forehead, his amber eyes stare into mine. He looks like the perfect mix of his parents. It kind of makes me want to have kids now. He makes an adorable baby noise. My heart melts such a sweet little thing that he is. I start talking again while keeping my eyes on him, it relaxes me. “I guess it’s really just silly for me to be talking about this. I mean I am married to the love of my life, why does it matter that my sister was the woman Vic cheated on me with?”

As soon as I said the words I felt the sting of betrayal all over again, this is ridiculous. Naomi is dead and here I am crying because I can't trust my sister. Or maybe I am crying because I always knew that I couldn’t? I guess a part of me was hoping that after her memories were regained that we would somehow make up. Like everything would be magically fixed, but it’s not fixed. In fact I am pretty sure it’s worse now since I have seen all her personal video diaries with her. I knew I should have stuck to what I said and made her watch them alone. Instead I let her talk me into staying, she looked so innocent and like she said that she couldn't be alone.

Now I really needed someone to talk to and with my Roxy is away for the summer, so everything seems that much harder to deal with. I am partly happy she left two days before the showcase, after she lost her baby the whole Naomi thing would have broke her. She is in a delicate place right now. I can feel my heartbreak further; my Roxy had to suffer that alone for so long. I hate myself for not being there for her. She would have never left me hanging like that. She would have made sure that I told her, forced me even. So much was going on I guess that I lost track of everything else. Especially with all the stuff that was going on with Ally. Now there is a murderer out there after my sister and I am too busy being angry with her. I need to fix this, for once and all, so we can move past all of this.

I look down Chris and see that he is asleep so I walk over and place him in his bassinet. I watch him sleep for a moment before walking back to Tania. I sit on the bed and absently wipe the tears I feel on my face. She patiently waits to see if I will speak again, when I don't say a word, she speaks up.

“Please don’t cry Lizzy,” I feel Tania move closer to me, putting her arm on my shoulder. “I hate to see you like this. In fact I hate seeing everyone like this. We have all been such a mess over the summer and I know Naomi wouldn't want us to carry on like this. I mean besides Ally and Vic, I was the closest to her in the group. I wish we could have bottled her positive attitude and handed it out to everyone. We need it.” She gives me a beautiful smile, one filled with true joy. “As for you, don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel. Who knows, maybe it will make you feel better and help patch things up with you and Ally. I think that’s the biggest thing that holds you both back; you don't really talk to each other. You are either always hiding things, or pretending. Now it is time for you to just be honest with each and bridge that gap that is between you two.”

“You're right,” I hug her and get up, “I will go right now.”

I literally race through the grounds to dorm building. I try Ally’s room first but it’s empty. I lean against her door my heart is pounding, this means that she is with Vic. I can't help but wonder if she would sneak away to see him while I spent my days with him when we were together. I bite my lip and hold back tears; I have to get myself together. I walk slowly to his room, my gut twisting in knots. I can see his door getting close, my chest is closing up. I raise my hand and knock lightly; half hoping that they won't hear me. I turn to walk away but the door creaks open. I peek in and see the outline of Ally and Vic tangled up in each other. I hear soft giggles and gentle chatter. So I turn and leave without looking back.

I just need to take a walk to clear my head. I start walking and I somehow end up in the parking lot. Suddenly the sky opens up and pours down on my head. I look up at the rain and laugh, such timing. It is really pouring, I mean it's blinding rain out here. I look over at where the guard sits and its dark, that's weird. I mean the guard should be on duty 24/7. I hear a weird noise behind me and I turn to see what it is. Before I know what’s happening a car is coming top speed at me. My heart starts to race and I tell myself to turn and run but I can't. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I can see the peak of a blue baseball cap and my heart drops. How did he get in here? Did he kill the guard? Am I going to die here? In the matter of seconds, I feel the metal crush against my body; I can feel myself flying forward. Then I feel nothing, just me, floating in blackness, all alone.