His Sacrifice

I really had no idea where we stood or if we were on the same page. We had been together for awhile now, if you could call that being together. I still had my ears, but it had been long since he had lost his. At school we learned that we become adults when we lose our ears, they just fall. When did his ears fall? Was he with Seimei? Was he with someone before Seimei?

He found me, he came to me, and yet every promise he gave me ended up to nothing. Everything happened too fast and I had started changing, for better or worse I didn’t know yet.

We were close; at least for me everything that had happened so far seemed to have brought us close. I no longer feel strange with his lips against mine when he fights as my fighter while protecting me as his sacrifice.

Was I selfish, feeling this way for someone who belonged to my brother, Seimei? Did that make Soubi a terrible fighter? No, it was Seimei’s order for him to become my fighter.

‘’Soubi?’’

My fighter…an adult I had become attached to and never wanted to lose from my life.

‘’Get in the bathtub, it’s an order.’’ There was blood all over the tiles. ‘’And move your hair.’’

I left to grab the blue towel with hues of purple that reminded of those butterflies Soubi liked. I took it from the counter, wet it with water, and then went back to lean down against the tub. His eyes were following my every move, filled with something more than the curiosity cats had.

‘’It will hurt a bit,’’ I slowly said and he bit his lip as if physical wounds held any pain for him. He had been trained against pain; he had been trained harshly enough in order to be strong, to become who he is. Was that right? Was that good? Hurting someone in order for him to become strong? Was that lie the only way for Soubi to learn?

I dabbed the cloth on Soubi’s carved throat. I didn’t like that Seimei had left that carved word there. Beloved…Seimei was the beloved one and I was the loveless one. Loveless… and Beloved; total opposites.

It was quiet for a while as I my eyes had frozen on the sight of blood. I was trying to think of just Soubi and his well-being as well as imagining how it would be like if the carved word on his skin never existed. A pair of eyes drifted over my frozen form that seemed like a statue. How did I look? Did I seem scared; afraid of the sight of blood?

‘’Ritsuka, are you scared of blood?’’ He asked, but even though I heard him, I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. ‘’Your hands are shaking.’’ He said, looking directly into my eyes and he took the wet cloth from my hands and pressed it to the wounds, cleaning them up.

My hands were, indeed, trembling and there was a moment of stillness before he called my name, ‘’Ritsuka?’’

‘’What, Soubi?’’

The rag seemed to burn where the warm blood met the cool tap water and it seared skin, but even though Soubi had to do it and he wanted me by his side, I made him say the words he didn’t want to say. ‘’I can do it on my own now so it’s fine. You can go.’’

‘’Soubi, what are you saying? I’ll do it,’’ The harsh words left my mouth quickly as I mastered up the courage to continue and forget of my disgraceful fear. His hands against the bleeding neck were gentle as I touched them with mine and Soubi’s hands dropped to his sides leaving it all to me.

A sigh escaped his lips; soft and barely perceptible, but it was still there. He trusted me; he trusted my trembling hands that had stopped trembling and the serious look in my eyes as I treated his wounds. He trusted my small heart, that I would do it till the end and that I would stay by his side. My beloved fighter, so strong and yet so easily physically hurt.

Our bodies were soon curled around each other in the small bathroom while the rag had bleed through. It was now a healthy red; deep, crimson. Was I selfish? Was I really selfish for wanting him to love me more? Was I selfish because I wanted his words of love to be real and not just orders from my deceased brother? Was that really too much?

Even though I was the sacrifice and he did keep me protected, what I felt was emptiness…because he didn’t try for me, not now and not then. Would he ever truly be my fighter and mine alone? I didn’t know and it made me feel all alone. Wasn’t there someone out there missing me? Just missing me… Was I asking again for too much?

I caressed his soft hair and took off his glasses, placing them beside him on the cold marble of the room. My small heart was filled with nothing more than love and care for the sleeping adult beside me.

Thoughts were again filling my brain like always making me sleepless. Was my kind of love child-like? It must have been, because the steps I took with Soubi were too fast for me even though for him they were nothing.

Though I'd die to know he loved me as much as I did, I’d never be able to show him my love to the degree of being able to call him mine. Soubi belonged to Seimei and I had Soubi thanks to him. I should have been thankful and I kind of was, but still, it wasn’t enough. Was it? Being thankful wouldn’t make Soubi truly mine. I was his though and he knew that; he knew that all too well.

I was his sacrifice, but in the end, was he really my fighter? Was our bond strong enough for him to be my fighter? Or were we just a sacrifice and a fighter? Were we bondless? Was that why he bought me a phone and made me pierce his ears? Was that why he always said he loved me? Was everything in order to form a bond? Was my love not enough for us to form the bond we lacked? I didn’t know. What I did know was that I loved him and I was his sacrifice.