Levity

Eleven months.

That was how long I went without injecting, without touching a drop of the poison Jack was peddling. I couldn't claim to have been completely narcotic free, sleeping pills were a must, cocaine an occasional treat Wade and I would indulge in. Jack didn't like that, but then much of the time Jack seemed to like very little. This was the start.

But Jack liked me. It may not have felt like it sometimes but he did, he apologised, or more often I did and we made up. I enjoyed making up with him. Sometimes so much that I pushed him on purpose just to have that result. Wade told me that was fucked up the day I admitted as much, his bottle much closer to empty than my own. I knew it was, but I didn't care.

For a while it was all going well. There were still worries, mine mainly. It still scared me that Jack was playing people against each other, that he knew how to get people to do as he wanted. It wasn't the money he cared for, he'd give Wade and me the majority of any skimmed from the top. Jack didn't care for cash, for things. He liked the mania, the knowledge he had ripped them off right under their noses. He liked the risk. Ever so often I liked to fantasise about the sort of life there could be, a childish fantasy that I'd realise less than a year later was never going to happen, that there had never been a chance in hell.

The best time to speak to Jack was when he was half asleep, this tended to be mid day, as we were all practically nocturnal by this point. He may have done a deal, but not always. If he had done we were most definitely still naked, my body normally bearing developing marks. Sex was another area of control, sometimes that showed more than others, and I could only imagine what Wade could hear. I knew what he thought, on odd occasions where he spotted bruises, bite marks. He didn't say anything, he was wary of Jack's temper, even though he was his top guy by all accounts- the look on his face was enough. But then Wade didn't know Jack how I did, didn't trust him as utterly and completely as me.

Wade was smarter.

I roll onto my front, the skin on my back tacky with drying sweat. He shifts as well, yawning heavily and stretching. His biceps are red, nail marks evident. It makes a change for me to leave on a mark on him when I am often so covered, but he'd all but demanded it, and who was I to deny him? It wasn't like anyone would see it anyway, I was the only person other than our third wheel who saw him shirtless. I repeat that in my mind again because that ball of doubt is forming. Much like any girl must, I worry sometimes I'm not enough, and he's Jack. Who wouldn't want his attention? He wouldn't do all of this for anyone else, I can comfort myself with that easily. Wouldn't help them fight through withdrawal, wouldn't help them get clean and deal with all the shit along the way.

He's the reason you started using.

That voice isn't what I want to hear and I shuffle back closer to him, on my side. “What time do you need to leave tomorrow?” It takes a little while for him to respond, I'd already asked this, several times, too many times. Enough times for him to get annoyed and despise me for being clingy. “Not until late.” His eyes are closed but his hand moves to catch my cheek, thumb touching my swollen lower lip. “And it's a simple drop off. Won't be too long.”

“Okay.” I hear myself mew, leaning into his palm.

“Why? You got plans or something?” He laughs to himself, a little nastily. When I don't join in or deny him his eyes do open. “Do you?”

“I...I dunno.”

“Well you wouldn't have said something if you dunno.” He mimics my voice. “Why, who do you even know anyway? You don't have friends.” My face drops, I feel it and he reacts to it, but not kindly. His eyes roll and he drops my face, shoving himself up so he's leaning against the headboard. “You don't go anywhere, who the fuck are you talking too?”

“I go places.” I snap back, shrinking afterwards under his gaze.

“You go places.” He repeats carefully. “And where do you go?”

“J...” my mouth dries, “just to the store and stuff like that.” Brows furrow, I want to bury myself deep into the covers and stop this whole conversation, hide away from what I've started. “I can't keep you safe when you go out. You know that.” His words are still perfectly level which only increases the tingles across my body. “I don't...”

“Don't what? Need me to keep you safe?” I don't respond, “Sit up.” He snaps, reaching for my arms. I try to wiggle away and his fingers wrap round like vices, wrenching me towards him and not stopping until I hit loudly against the wood. “Stop moving, stop, stop, stop.” He slaps at my legs until they rest still, the skin starts to pinken and my head aches. When he starts repeating his words like that it's never a good sign. I'd seen him kill people once he was in that place. “Ja...”

“Shut up.” I do, button my lip as he commands. His breathing is a little strained, “How often are you going out?” He roars my name when I don't respond, I tell him between tears it's not much, only ever so often when he's away. “And Wade just lets you go?” He doesn't get it, if anything Wade encourages it, says it's not healthy to be locked up away here. “S...sometimes.” His right hand has formed a fist, “It's not his fault, please don't be mad at him, it's my fault.”

“I know it's your fault.” He growls, although he makes the effort to massage his fingers out straight. “How am I supposed to keep you safe when you don't do what I say?”

“I'm...I'm not going anywhere that's not...” His hand, the palm that had previously caressed me slams against the headboard between us, making me jump. “And how do I know that? For all I know you're out there sucking every guys' dick for more drugs. Is that what you're doing?” I shake my head so quick I'm dizzy, strands of hair stick to the wet on my cheeks. “I haven't...” my voice croaks, “I haven't touched that in months, you know that.”

“I know that. I know that.” He pushes the hair back, behind my ears, glancing at the bruises forming across my chest and neck. “And why?” I scan his face desperately, his jaw is still tense but the rest of his face is serene, it looks like the anger is starting to pass. “Because of you...” He wants more, head tilts slightly, “you...you helped me.”

“And who else has ever helped you?” I whisper the response he wants, the words he wants to sink deep in to me. No-one else has ever helped me. Not like Jack. He nods, lips flicker into a smile. “You're not to go out without me anymore, you understand? It's not safe.”

“Because of what you do?” I'm not sure why I press, I speak so quietly that he could ignore it if he chose to. He stands, starts tugging on a pair of tracksuit bottoms. “No,” His back is to me, “Because of what you might do.” He doesn't grab a shirt and I keep firmly cemented where he had placed me, “But I obviously need to speak to Wade.”

“No!” He glances my way, looking perplexed, “Please don't be cross at him it's not his fault.” The half smile appears again, but warps into a smirk. “He should be sticking to what I tell him.”

“I know, I know,” I appease, “but it's all my fault, not his, don't...hurt him.”

“Why does it matter what I do to him?” He leans back on the bed, eyes on my heaving chest before the smile widens, “Oh no, Elle.” He catches my gaze, “Wade isn't your friend.” There's a laugh which makes my stomach hurt. “Why would Wade be your friend. He does what I ask him to do, that's it.” He shakes his head like it's a big joke, “He's not your friend.” The last word is all but spat. “And why is that doll?”

He waits. “Because I don't have any friends.”

“Good, that's good sweetheart.” He moves as if to stand again but pauses, his features warped as thoughts flicker through his mind. “Come here.” I don't debate it, I move and he drags me onto his lap. “This thing, you and Wade needs to stop.” His fingers start trailing up the inside of my thigh, they clasp a bit of skin tight, beginning to pinch. I hold back my whine. “You're not friends. He works for me, that's it. You don't want me to hurt him then you don't do anything to get him hurt.” His grip tightens, “You stop parading yourself around for him.” I try to argue but he releases my thigh and pinches another spot. “Don't imagine I haven't seen the little looks he sends your way when you're half naked.”

“He doesn't, I don't...”

“Now, I like Wade. He's a good worker. But he's nothing to do with you, you understand?” I nod and his fingers release flesh, move upwards. He forces my legs wider open as he finds his target. “Wade has nothing to do with this.” I'm still sore, and his fingers are rough. “You understand me?” I don't say anything, trying to hide a wince, “Come on, you're not that stupid.”

“I understand.” The sting is starting to fade as my body reacts to his touch. He continues, dipping his head to catch my nipple in his mouth. He kisses his way back to my face, fingers increasing speed and drawing out a breathy moan. “You know why I have to do this right? All of it?”

Because he loves me.

Because he wants me to be safe.