Stuck in Your Soul

I stood in front of the mirror for the millionth time this morning, staring at myself and picking at my outfit. I sighed heavily, smoothing down my skirt and feeling the initial fear course through me. I was nervous, to say the least. I touched my hair once again, adjusting one of the bobby pins that held my bangs in place and flattened out a piece of my black, straightened hair. I then took the top of my pointer finger and brushed it across my eyelashes, making sure the mascara was evenly distributed and the lashes stuck up properly. I grabbed the stick of dark, red lipstick and opened it with a pop of the cap. I applied another coat, rubbing my lips together. I smiled at the way the red lipstick contrasted with my pale skin. This was it, and I wanted to look perfect.

“Kellin!” My mother shouted from downstairs. “C’mon, kid, breakfast is ready.’

With one last glance in the mirror, I grabbed my backpack from the tiled floor and switched off the light to the bathroom. I rushed down the stairs, entering the kitchen. I dropped my bag on the floor with a quiet thud and ventured over to the fridge. My mother was standing in front of the stove, scrabbling some eggs. She turned and as her eyes fell on me, she smiled. “Honey, you look absolutely adorable,” she gushed, leaving the food unattended and coming over to fuss over me. She patted down my shoulders and messed with a piece of my hair that always stuck up. “That skirt looks great on you, Kellin.”

“Thanks, mom,” I whispered, looking down at my shoes.

“Oh, you look so pretty,” she continued. “Can I take a picture? Pretty plea-”

“No, no! Definitely not,” I groaned, pushing her away and opening the fridge. I grabbed the orange juice from the second shelf and set it on the counter. As I was reaching up for one of the cups from the cupboard. my younger sister walked into the kitchen. “Goodmorning,” she said. She had her uniform on, the one for the private middle school she was attending. Her raven hair was tied up in a ponytail with a white ribbon. “Hi, Kellin!” She beamed when she saw me. “Aw, you look gorgeous, like always.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled with a small smile in her direction, pouring the orange juice into my glass.

“Lemme see your nails,” Kailey demanded, skipping up to me. I set down the juice and stretched out my fingers in front of her. She examined each one, checking for any smudges on the nail polish. “Perfect,” she mused with a white smile. “And you didn’t rush, right?”

“Nope,” I said, popping the “p” on my lips. “I did it just like you taught me.”

“Good… I’m proud of you,” she whispered, taking my hand and squeezing it.

I simply nodded and pulled my hand away; I was still getting used to my family’s acceptance.

Kailey and I then sat down at the dining table, I sipped at my orange juice in silence, watching our mother set down a plate of breakfast in front of both of us. “Now,” my mother started. “You too are starting a new school, so I expect you to behave. Don’t act stupid just to seem cool.”

“We know,” Kailey and I said in unison.

“And Kellin,” she said a little quieter. I took a bite from my toast and looked up at her. “If anything goes wrong, don’t hesitate to call me, okay?”

“I know, Mom, you’ve told me a million times…”

“I know, I know. I just worry about, that’s all.”

“That’s okay, don’t worry about me… I’ll be fine.”

My mother nodded and tucked a piece of her raven, feathery hair behind her ear. She brought her pale lips to her mug of coffee and nodded again.

About twenty minutes later, my mom was putting our dirty dishes into the sink and kissing us goodbye. I hooked my arms through the straps of my bad and followed Kailey out the door. “Bye, Mom,” I called over my shoulder, waving at her before walking down the steps into the morning air. Kailey immediately pulled her headphones out of her shoulder bag and put them on, blasting that Top 40 music she loved so much. With the new silence, I allowed myself to reflect.

Today was my first day at Mission Bay Highschool, and let me just say, I was terrified. I transferred schools many times, so really, I should be used to this. However, with my situation, I had every right to be terrified.

First off, my first day of school was on a Monday, of course, but in the middle of January. Everyone at Mission Bay already knew each other, and to be frank, I didn’t. I already predicted that I would be sitting in the bathroom during lunch.

Secondly, at my last school, everyone knew me as Kellin, the boy... and now, everyone at this school would get to know me as Kellin, the girl.

All of my life, I had felt as if something inside of me was different. For example, it never felt right when my mother would tell me: “You’re such a perfect son.” A part of my heart thumped abnormally and my mind sent me millions of question marks. What was wrong with me?

I spent years questioning who I was. I was confused whenever I saw the girls giggle and play with each other’s long hair or share lipstick and gossip. I was confused in the seventh grade when my good friend Jesse brought a Playboy magazine to school and I saw my first pair of breasts in the boys’ bathroom. I was confused when I went home that same day and stood in front of the mirror, staring at my flat chest. I was confused when Margaret Alvarez kissed me at a football game freshman year. I was confused when Ben Mcguff grabbed my waist and kissed my neck in his room when no one was home that same year. I was confused about everything.

It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in highschool that I had a feeling of understanding and realization.

My sister, Kailey, had been acting weird one week. She would look at me with concern in her eyes and she would gnaw at her bottom lips constantly. I had asked her what was wrong numerous times, and one day she snapped, yelling for me to leave her alone. The next day we went to the mall together and she dragged me into the Forever 21 and shoved me into a dressing room with a handful of clothes. Girls’ clothes.

I stood in front of the mirror in a tiny, blue dress with tears in my eyes and a sense of belonging in my gut. Kailey came into the small dressing room with a pained expression on her face. “I knew it,” she mumbled while helping me zip up the dress.

Those next few weeks, Kailey spent her time teaching me all of the things I needed to know. She taught me how to shave without accidentally cutting myself, she showed me how to put on makeup and which lipstick colors went well with my skin tone, and she even explained some basic rules about clothing choices and “lady-like” manners. It had taken awhile but in a matter of about two months, Kailey had forgotten that I used to be her brother; I was her sister now.

My parents were a little less lenient. When I had “come out” to them, I had Kailey help me pick out the perfect outfit and I was going to surprise them by coming down the stairs one morning wearing it. I had on a short, floral print dress with a grey thin jacket over it. I had accented the outfit with red lipstick, knee-high socks, and my white, low-top Converse. My mother was silent, but my father was absolutely furious, because what father would want his only son to dress up like a girl? He screamed at me for what seemed like forever. ”You are my son! My son” He left us a week later.

My mother had accepted me rather quickly, (in a span of about two weeks), and she had us all packed to move from cold, dreary Michigan to warm, sunny San Diego, California. We all wanted a new life, so she gave it to us.

At the moment, Kailey and I were quickly approaching the highschool, and with every passing second my heart rate sped up and my breathing shallowed. Kailey noticed me picking at my outfit and silently freaking out. She gave me a small smile and she took off her headphones, shoving them in her backpack. She stopped us in our tracks and set her hands on my shoulders. “You’re going to be okay, alright, Kellin? You look beautiful… everyone’s gonna love you!”

I looked down at my outfit sheepishly. I was wearing a white t-shirt with a unicorn on the front, a cute, black mini skirt, my black creepers with white ankle socks, and my weaved choker. My makeup consisted of winged eyeliner on each lid, and dark, red lipstick. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely positive!” Kailey beamed. She leaned forward and pecked my cheek. “I love you; you can do this.”

“I love you, too,” I said quietly, watching her turn around and walk down the street towards the middle school. I was alone now, but I tried to stay positive. Nobody here knew I was actually a boy except for administration. I could do this.

I pulled out my schedule from my backpack before going into the school, scanning it briefly. Financial Literature. Second floor. Room 2451.

Sighing, I walked up the steps, observing all of the other students. The majority of them were talking and laughing loudly, enjoying each other’s company. I could easily pick out the jocks, from the stoners, to the straight A kids, and to the kids who looked as if they only listened to rock music. But it didn’t seem like anyone had a problem with one another, neither were there any boundaries. they all conversed with each other as if their social status didn’t exist. I smiled to myself, feeling one of my worries lift from my shoulders.

I stopped by my locker, number 142, and twisted in my combination. All of my books and binders were already in there waiting for me. Along with a small mirror hanging on the inside of the door. My mother and I visited the school twice last week, getting me used to the layout of the building, helping me find my classes on my schedule, meeting the administration and make them aware of my situation, and to know the rules of the school. I was nervous but ready.

With a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, I made my way to my first class.

I walked through the hallways slowly, observing the other students. None of them looked up at me as I passed, but that didn’t really bother me. I didn’t want them giving me their undivided attention, that would give me another reason to become even more paranoid.

As I made it to the top of the stairs, the groups of kids seemed to lessen, most of them hanging out on the first floor where the cafeteria was.

I entered my first hour class before the bell rang, so, as I predicted, I was the only one here. Except for a short, stout woman with a blonde bob sat behind a desk typing away on a computer and her glasses were slipping down her nose. “Excuse me?” I squeaked, standing in the doorway.

She looked away from her computer and practically squealed. “Oh!” She cheered. “You must be Kellin?” I nodded as she approached me warmly, patting my cheek and smiling. “You’re such a darling,” she gushed. She sure was friendly…

“Thanks,” I whispered, looking down at my shoes.

“I’m Mrs.Gregory, if you didn’t already know!” She introduced herself.

“Hi,” I said quietly with a small smile.

“Oh, you’re so cute!” Mrs.Gregory squealed, making me widen my eyes a little. “Well, you can sit down and get yourself settled before everyone shows up.” I nodded and rushed to take a seat in the back.

The rest of my morning classes were all the same. No one talked to me, but I liked it that way. I wanted to be left alone, and I got my wish until I got to my physics class.

We were given the task of finishing a worksheet with our assigned partner. “Shit,” I mumbled under my breath, crossing my arms over my desk and staring at the binder with random doodles I drew on it. I didn’t want to associate myself with anybody at this school. I was normally a pretty shy person and I really didn’t want anyone to know I was actually a guy. In reality, no one would know unless they lifted my skirt, and no one would be that cruel to even do that… right?

Mr.Brown read of the list quickly, hoots and hollers being passed around the room when he paired two friends together. I bit down on my bottom lip, silently praying that miraculously, I would end up partner-less. “Jaime and Kellin,” he finally said, meeting my gaze and giving me a small, sympathetic smile. My eyes flickered down to my desk again. I really hated that look…

“Hey! New girl!” A chipper voice called out to me, sounding cheerful and simply happy. I looked to find a smiling guy with broad shoulders and this weird, spiked-up hair waving me over from across the room. I took a deep breath and grabbed my textbook and binder, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and walking over to this Jaime character. I sat down at the desk next to him, folding my hands on the top of the desk. “So,” Jaime sang, “My buddy had this class before us so he gave me the answers to this worksheet. Less work for us, huh?” I nodded and looked at him a little closer. He had olive skin and almond-shaped, brown eyes. His smile was big and genuine, and he practically radiated happiness. “One less thing to worry about,” he beamed. I had to offer him a shy smile back, his happiness was practically contagious.

“Well, newbie… Kellin, is it?” Jaime started, laying his phone on the desktop and copying down the answers from a screenshot on to the worksheet. I nodded again, afraid to let him hear my voice. Would he notice that my voice was slightly deep? The kids at my old school would always tease me, saying that my voice was girly, but I was still self conscious about it. I thought I still sounded like a boy. Would Jaime notice? Would Jaime figure out my secret?

“Where’d ya move from?” Jaime asked.

I let out a shaky sigh and watched his pen scrawl across the page. “Michigan,” I said barely above a whisper.

“Brrr!” Jaime giggled. “I heard it was cold there, but I’ve never been to Michigan.”

“It’s not that bad, but, yeah, it’s cold,” I told him quietly.

“I don’t think I could handle cold weather,” he chirped. “I mean, I’ve never even seen snow before.” I nodded again, not really wanting to continue the conversation. Jaime was nice but I was getting a little paranoid. “You’re kinda like snow,” he suddenly told me, pausing his work and looking at me.

“What do you mean?” I asked him, furrowing my eyebrows.

“You’re different from everyone else, like you were designed more special. There isn’t anyone like you,” he explained.

I stared at him for a few seconds, locking my gaze with his. After a few seconds, a huge smile broke across his face, causing me to let out a little giggle. “You’re so weird,” I laughed.

“The best people are,” he retorted with a loud cackle. I shook my head, watching him copy answers on to the sheet. As time passed by, I began to feel more comfortable with Jaime. His attitude was so positive and happy that it was difficult to act standoffish towards him.

“You have late lunch, right? After this?” Jaime wondered after he finished writing the last answer on the worksheet.

“Yeah,” I said, crossing my ankles under the desk.

“Come sit with me and my friends? I like you new girl, AKA Kellin,” he said with a smile, wiggling his eyebrows and doing a little dance in his seat.

“Sure,” I smiled, shoving my textbook and binder in my bag as the bell ran. Jaime did the same, handing our worksheet in and then leading me out of the classroom.

“We sit outside, on the steps,” Jaime said, skipping down the hallway.

“Okay,” I said quietly, a small feeling of fear creeping up on me. I grew a little quieter as Jaime chirped on. What if they didn’t like me? What if they all noticed that I was actually a boy? What if-

“Hey…” Jaime said, slowing his pace and turning to look at me. “They’re going to love you, I promise. I barely know you and I already love you!” He cheered, throwing his arms out. I gave him a small smile and nodded, the doors leading to the courtyard getting closer.

In a matter of seconds, Jaime and I were outside in the refreshing, warm heat of San Diego. It was only January, but the sun was still radiating down on me tauntingly. “There are my friends,” Jaime smiled, pointing to a group of kids sitting on some concrete steps on the other side of the courtyard. He put his hand on the small of my back, practically pushing me towards them. I bit down on my bottom lip with nervousness, approaching them quicker than I actually wanted. “Hey guys!” Jaime smiled. “We gotta newbie, this is Kellin.” They all turned and smiled at me. I waved back shyly, looking down at my Creepers and feeling a hot blush rise on my cheeks. “Be nice,” he warned with a playful scowl, pointing a threatening finger at each of them.

“Hi, Kellin,” a blonde girl with a thick accent greeted me with a smile. She patted the seat on the step next to her and I took it, giving her a small smile. “I’m Jenna.”

“The only white girl at Mission Bay,” Jaime interjected with a cackle.

“Shut up!” Jenna snapped, launching a celery stick at Jaime’s face. “Anyways,” she smiled, turning around to face me. “How do you like it at Mission Bay?”

“Uh, well, it’s okay,” I stammered, avoiding eye contact while I pulled a sandwich out my bag. I tore the plastic wrap away from the bread, raising it to my lips and taking a bite. “There’s a lot of kids here… well, what I meant it that this school is bigger than my old one in Michigan.”

“Alright, Kellin,” Jenna beamed. “Not everyone’s here but lemme tell you everyone’s names…”

I had already met Jaime but Jenna filled me in on him anyways. He was a junior and he had the attention span of a newborn puppy. He never knew how to keep his mouth shut.

Tony, who wasn’t with us because he had early lunch, was apparently shy and he liked Star Wars and turtles. He was also a junior.

There was also Mike, who was entertaining Jaime by making him catch grapes that he threw up in the air, was also a junior. He liked to play the drums and spend his time nursing his imaginative physical pain with medical marijuana. Although he was a free-spirited stoner, Jenna told me that he “still got his shit done”.

Lastly, there was Vic, who had early lunch with Tony. Jenna told me that he liked to laugh and on the weekends he gives guitar lessons to middle schoolers.

I processed everyone’s names and quirks while munching on my sandwich and listening to Jenna talk.

“Got all that?” She asked. I nodded quickly, mentally going through the names in my head again. “Good… Well, welcome to Mission Bay.”