Pictures and Some Memories

I am silent as Violet reverses out of her garage, trying to process the scene I'd just witnessed. Violet whisper yelling to Zack. Zack holding a child that looked an awful lot like him. His gaze, shocked when he saw me and hurt when I left yet again. So many feelings ran through my mind all at the same time, and not one of them made any sense to me.

"Andi? C'mon, don't go catatonic on me," Violet pleaded when we pulled up to a stoplight. "Andi, are you okay?"

I shrug in response, keeping my eyes on the view in front of me, which consisted of the pink sky slowly fading into purple, then black as the night crept up on us. "At least talk to me, please?"

"What is there to say?" I finally sigh in response. "I just.... he has a baby?!"

"Yep," she says softly. "His name is Nicholas and he'll be two in November."

I raise my eyebrows. "No kidding?" She shakes her head. "That's just... I never expected that."

"Things tend to change when you're away for long periods of time," she says as she turns onto the highway.

"No kidding," I repeat with a sigh. I finally let out the real question I'd been wondering since I put two and two together. "So, he's moved on, right? He's happy now?"

She glances over at me before quickly averting her eyes back to the empty highway before us. "You could say that."

I raise an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean? He's obviously got a girlfriend or significant other since he has a kid. I mean, how else would he..."

It clicked into my head then that I was probably way off base, and by the look on Violet's face, I definitely was. "You're telling me this isn't what I think it is?"

"It'd be a hell of a lot better ending for Zack, sure," she says. "But, no. No girlfriend, no wife, nothing. Last I checked, anyways."

My eyes widen. "Violet, did he--"

"It wasn't a random girl, no," she cuts me off before I can even ask. I narrow my eyes at her. She's still so razor sharp about things like that, it still scared me. "I don't even know if you'll want to hear about him, anyways. You did avoid him for six years--"

I flick her hand away from the radio nob she started to fiddle with and turn the music off. "You're fidgeting, Vi. But, maybe you're right. It's not any of my business."

We were both silent for a few moments, curiosity eating me alive. He didn't knock up some random groupie, which, for some reason, relieved me. I couldn't put my finger on why, though, but I pushed it down, away for now and for good. It didn't matter.

She chewed her lip for a few moments as she drove, most likely trying to find a way to tell me something without betraying him in the process. That alone made me feel guilty; she was still feeling the repercussions of being friends with the both of us and it had been going on for far too long. "Don't feel like you have to tell me anything, Vi. So, he's got a kid now. Good for him..." I told her, although it all sounded phony, even to me. My voice betrayed me yet again and I cursed its natural rasp for the millionth time. "I'm glad he's moved on."

We stopped at another light, carefully studying my features as we sat. Her deep brown eyes burned with intensity, the same way they did when she couldn't contain her excitement when she'd scored tickets to a show, or when she had something to say but couldn't spit or out. She chewed her lip some more as she finally looked away, sighing. "Yeah, he's moved on. I mean, he loves Nicholas--"

"He named him Nicholas?" I wondered aloud, on accident.

"Yeah, I just said that. Twice," she said in her trademark 'are you serious?' tone. She still sounded off, but at this point, we were both feeling pretty awkward about the whole situation, so I let it go.

The name struck a chord in me, however. For some reason, I kept getting the same flashback over and over from when he and I were teenagers and still together. It was so fuzzy, though, but I could remember that it was at my parents house, on the upper deck, and I was holding a beer. Classy, Andi, I thought to myself bitterly.

"--And he just bought his first house for him and Nick, so we're all pretty excited about that," she finishes her sentence from earlier. I smile as warmly as I can, but it falters as soon as I turn away, instead, replaced by the same sting from before. A child! 26 years old and already has the house and the kid. I couldn't get over it, no matter how hard I tried as we drove back to Anaheim.

"I wish I wasn't working tomorrow so we could come out and see you in action," Violet sighs as she pulls into the drive of the hotel.

Despite how awkward it was earlier, I agreed. "Me, too. But there's always next time."

"I'll see you soon," she says as we both lean over the center console and hug. "I am so sorry about before, by the way. I didn't mean to--"

"No, no, don't worry about it," I told her immediately as we broke away. "Shit happens, and it would've happened sooner or later, anyway."

"I think we both hoped for later," she murmurs, making me genuinely laugh for the first time the entire trip.

"Yeah, me, too," I nodded. "See you later, kay?"

She nods, too. "Bye, Andi!"

Although it's nearly dark by this time, I slide my Ray Bans over my eyes once again as I walk into the hotel. I may have put on a brave face and restricted my true feelings in front of Violet, but I damn sure didn't trust myself in front of any of my other friends, especially Carly. She'd pull it out of me faster than ever, and I wasn't even sure of how I felt about any of it,to be completely honest. How does one process seeing someone they've avoided for years and also find out they have a baby within the same hour? With my thoughts battling at a million miles a second, I felt like I'd never know.

"Andi's back!" Jack announces happily whenever I enter my room. I force a small smile to appear onto my face as he tackled me into the bed that Danny and Alex were sitting on, too engrossed in the Harry Potter movie playing to look up.

"Fuck, Jack, you're so bony," I complained, trying to shove his gangly form off of my torso.

"And you're so cuddly," he replies, holding my body tighter. I sighed in annoyance, although, it did feel nice to be held after what had just happened. He shifts so that he and I are sitting up, and I lay my head on his shoulder, blaming my lack of energy on a tired mind, when my thoughts were really onhim for the first time in forever.

And for five days after, that's where they stayed. When I worked out, I thought of him. When I was onstage, I thought of him. When I made my signature cocktail and drank myself into a killer hangover the next day, I thought of him. And it drove me crazy that he wouldn't leave my mine, too. I wondered what Nicholas's estranged mother looked like, if she was blonde, brunette, even possibly a redhead like myself. I wondered why that of all things that stuck out to me, that Nicholas itself did. The name struck something inside of me, took me to a fuzzy flashback, and I couldn't tell you why. It just did. I wondered how different Zack's life was from mine, now that he had a toddler consuming his time and energy. Was he picking up women or did he take it all seriously? Had his cooking skills improved? The most random questions about him were what kept me up at night.

But I mostly (and definitely most guiltily) thought about just him. What he looked like, how he was dressed, how crystal clear his jade eyes were. Larkin had gone to Italy with his father to work with an international client and hadn't really called because of the time difference, and for a bit I didn't feel too bad, because Larkin probably wasn't thinking of me as he worked. But, finally, the guilt broke me down.

I felt like shit. What kind of woman dwells on her ex like this? I was over him and had moved on. Larkin and I were together and thriving, I had a great career, and great people around me. I couldn't identify just what made Zack a constant on my mind again.

That is, until I started journaling it all into the new notebook Carly had gotten me for my birthday. I figured that if I wrote it out, it'd come to me as to why he was even there and I'd then find a solution to get him off of it for good.

I was still struggling with the memory that was triggered in association with Nicholas's name. The same feeling of being on my parents deck, holding a drink we're the only two clear things I could remember, which was frustrating.

I clucked my tongue in annoyance, about to give up and put it all away when it came flooding back to me,nearly drowning me.

***********

I'm a giggling mess as I helped him button his flannel shirt. The giggle turns into a buzz fueled throaty laugh as I realize he's broken the top two buttons when he tore it off only moments before. "That's too bad," he says with his trademark smirk, his eyes filled with humor as they looked down at me.

"Well, at least it looks good," I finally manage to say when my laughter dies down. I cross the room and toss him his jacket before I step into my jeans, almost too tight for me to wear. Like my mother warned me, my already short, curvy figure was only filling itself out more, which meant that I'd be a six instead of a four soon. I didn't mind, and Zacky definitely seemed happier about the fact that my rear end was growing with my hips, so it worked itself out well.

"You look good, too," he says as I tied my thick hair back into a ponytail.

I smiled at him in the mirror. "Hearing you say that never gets old."

"Good, because you're stuck with me whether you like it or not."

I smile coyly at him. "All I have to do is feed you, right? You're like a dog. It'll be perfect."

He frowns at me, but his eyes are playful. "Ha ha."

"Come on, we have to pick up the bed. This guest room is never used and I'm sure my Dad doesn't want to find out what happened in here," I tell him, tugging on his hand.

"When we get our own place, we're never making the bed. What's the point, anyways? You're just going to sleep in it again," he says, tossing me a soft throw pillow.

I can't help but smile when he says that. He'd mentioned our future so often now, and earlier tonight he spoke about kids like it was nothing. It was hardly anything at all, what he said, just that he wanted them to listen to good music, but it still made me wonder how much thought he put into us. I decide to engage him a bit, my overwhelming curiosity needing to be satisfied then and there.

"That's not going to be a good example to those kids you mentioned earlier," I say as I arrange the pillows from biggest to smallest.

"Of all of the horrible things we could corrupt them with, that's deemed the worst to you?" he raises an eyebrow, taking my bait.

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't say that." I smooth out the heavy red comforter as I add, "How many would we have?"

He shrugs. "I dunno. Two, three? I don't want to be like that psycho family with ten that lives down the block from here. Ten's just too much."

"I like the idea of two," I say, making my way over to his side and sitting on the edge of the bed. "A boy first, though, that way we can get the rebellion sorted before the next one."

He laughs. "Yeah, with your hot temper and my attitude, the kid's a recipe for destruction."

"Names?" I ask, but he only shrugs. "Haven't really gotten that far," he says sheepishly.

God, I loved talking to him like this. These moments were rare, since we were around the guys so much and he put up such a tough front that no one really knew how tender he really was. I loved his toughness, but every once in a while, when I saw this side of him, I took in every ounce I could. It was addicting.

We both sat and thought it over for a few moments. "I like the name Nicholas for a boy," I told him softly. Nicholas was my grandfather's middle name, and one of my brothers three middle names, and every one of my uncle's, too. "Not too sure on a girl, though."

"Nicholas Baker," he says slowly. It sounded even better spoken aloud, like magic. "I like it."

"Glad that's settled. That's something we won't have to worry about in a few years," I said with a playful smile, standing up. A large cheer of people sounded outside then, reminding us that the party was still in full swing outside these walls.

"Hey," he says, catching my wrist before I opened the door. "I love you, Andi."

My heart skipped a beat as he said that. "I love you, too."

***********

I bring a hand to my mouth as I gasp, dropping the cushion I had been holding in the process. I felt sick as it clicked into my head, my eyes swelling with tears. He used our name for his child with a random woman. Our fucking name. My God, we were still teenagers and rather intoxicated, but damn it, that was ours. I couldn't believe he did that, after all of this time. I was sure he'd forgotten, since he hadn't brought it up since while we were together. It had to be a mistake, or a coincidence. It had to.

"Yo, Andi, your alarm's going off. Gotta get to the stage soon, it's--"

I look up at Danny in the doorway, positive that my mascara was running down my face by this time. He stops mid sentence, pushes the button to close the door to the lounge, and crouches beside me. "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?"

I grab a tissue and dab at my eyes, not at all prepared to explain the awful state I was in. For no reason, I might add, because it really shouldn't have any kind of relevance to me. It was his life, not mine. "Nothing. Let's get down there, then. Don't wanna piss Flyzik off for being late."

He eyes me curiously, knowing that I'm full of shit, but he goes along with it. "Uh, okay."

Although he didn't press it, he put a comforting arm around me while he and I rode on a golf cart to the stage, silently telling me that it'd all be alright. And God, I hoped so.

********
Zacky POV

It's funny how life decides to intervene when you least expect it. Whether you're drunk and lonely and realize you're not who you want to be, or preparing to raise your first child and realizing you have no idea what the fuck you're doing, life comes in, reassures you. Or, in my case, it slaps you around because you're a fucking idiot who can never say what needs to be said in the right moment.

Life intervened the day I saw her again. Five foot three and lively as ever, she stood only a few feet away from me, that beautiful face of hers lighting up the entire room. Her long hair was down, just the way I always liked it, in copper colored waves that shone and caught the light. She'd been out in the sun plenty, due to the natural little strands of blonde that appeared in her hair near her bangs and the glow to her skin. And her hips, God, she could make a man cry with curves like those. She never had to do very much to take my breath away, and here I stood in front of Violet, unable to breathe for the first time in six years.

Andria. The mere thought of her name sent chills down my spine. Now, here she stood, almost in my grasp yet again. I yearned for her, wanted to run my fingers through her hair, hold her waist, taste her lips again. Six years apart and she's still as devastatingly gorgeous as I met her.

She looks up, those ice blue eyes coming into contact with me, and I remember everything again. Her eyes look me over once, then focus on my son, sleeping away in the car seat I'd just brought in, and look back up to me, watering in the way that I hated.

And like every time before, they dart away before I can even say anything, explain anything, and she's gone. She's fucking gone before I can even get back to her, pushed into the garage before I can fully register what's just happened.

"Andi..." I mutter like a fool, standing in the entryway in disbelief. "That was Andi..."

Cara unbuckles Nicholas from his seat without a second thought and holds him in her arms, bringing him close to her and sighing. She spoiled him, she really did, but he adored his aunt just as much as she adored him, and it was too late to break that now. I put the car seat by the front door and sit on the nearby couch, my head in my hands. Andi. I'd been waiting for this moment for six years, and this is how it turns out?

"I'm just going to take him into the room and put him down," Cara says softly. I nod gratefully, and soon the only sound in the house was the sound of her shoes clicking against the hardwood.

The light flickers on overhead, and Jimmy takes a seat next to me. "What's on your mind, man?" He finally asks, just as Matt comes in with a couple of drinks. Drinks I desperately needed by now, I might add.

"That was really her?" I asked warily, still in shock.

They both nod. I groan. "That was really her and I didn't even say anything! Jesus Christ!" I reach for the beer and take a long swig, but it's not what I need. I needed something strong, something to make me forget how I just made a fool of myself in front of the woman I still desperately loved, no matter how hard I tried to forget her. I thought I hated her for leaving for a long time, but I realized one day that I missed her more than anything. I let my childish ways go the day I had Nicholas, and over the year and a half that he's been alive, I've spent many sleepless nights wondering about her, how she dressed, if she had galleries upon galleries showing off her impressive talent, if she ever thought about me. She was the one that got away, but I planned on winning her back, somehow. I had to.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Jimmy says in an attempt to comfort me. "Focus on what you felt when you saw her. Was that at least enough?"

"It exceeded what I could ever think, man," I said. "She makes me look like a fucking train wreck."

They both laugh. "You're not wrong," Matt says.

"Why didn't you guys tell me she was back? This could be my chance!"

Now, they were both silent, exchanging looks. "She's not back, dude," Jimmy says quietly. "She's on tour, been working for this band since she moved to New York. Today was their day off so she called us. Violet picked her up in Anaheim and is taking her back now."

"Wait, what?" I asked. I never expected her to work for a band. "What band?"

"Some pop punk band called All Time Low," Matt answered with a shrug. "Think like Fall Out Boy or Blink 182. We were on Warped tour with them a couple of years ago."

"Was she on that tour?" I asked the both of them. They looked away, giving me my answer. "You knew she was on the tour and you never told me?!"

"Dude, Nicholas was only a couple of months shy from being born by then," Jimmy reminds me. "You weren't in any state to even look at her, then. You had too much on your plate."

Nicholas. I sighed. My pride and joy, that's what he was. Sometimes he was the only reason I kept going. I wondered how much she knew, if she knew anything by now.

I dare to ask. Matt shakes his head. "Violet won't tell her anything other than the basics. You know that."

"She's not like Cara," Jimmy adds just as his fiancee walks into the room. She shoots him a glare, making him grin. "Andi won't know anything unless you're willing to tell her yourself."

"Or you can appoint me to do the honors," Cara says, sitting on the ottoman in front of us. "We both know that I probably hate your baby mama the most out of the girls."

Matt shakes his head again. "You and I both know that Violet hates her the most, with Charlotte a close second."

"Can I just interject that while I don't necessarily hate her the most, I definitely don't like Jourdan more than all of you combined." They all sighed, as did I. My choices in the past definitely could have been better, but I could never hate someone who gave me my child. She may have wrecked my life and my son's, and hell, we don't even know where she is at this moment, but I couldn't hate her. She was a mother, at the end of the day, even if she never acted like one. I could be angry at her all I wanted, though, and I was furious at this point.

But that was an entirely different story.

Cara pouts, but changes the subject to my relief. "Well, I'm a better bet than he is at telling her. Her boyfriend would probably bite his head off for even looking at her tonight, letting alone reconnecting with her."

My heart stopped. "What?"

"Ah, shit," she swears, out of character but necessary in her case. Jimmy places a hand on her knee in comfort, and she takes it.

"She has a boyfriend," Cara sighs. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry."

"Fuck," I muttered, feeling like a fool all over again. Of course she had a boyfriend! Why wouldn't she? She's got everything a man could ask for and more. Of course someone swept her off her feet. She deserved that much.

"Is she happy with him?" I find myself asking quietly.

They all look at each other in confusion. "I guess so," Cara says.

"She says she's in love with him," Jimmy adds.

"She's happy, man. Don't worry about it." Matt finishes.

I stand and take my already empty beer bottle with me, preparing to get another. "I haven't stopped for six years, Matt. What makes you think I will now?"