Trouble

I woke from a restless sleep, groaning, my eyes flickered to the clock, widening as I realised that it was ten am. I usually did sleep in when I wasn’t working, but ten am was pretty late for me.
I slid from the bed, yawning and pulling my hair up, currently I had on one of Nathan’s oversized t-shirts, something I had grown use to sleeping in since we had gotten together. Only it wasn’t much comfort as it no longer smelt like him.
I walked into the kitchen, grabbing a drink before flickering on the coffee on the stove.
I sat back, closing my eyes slightly as I waited.
The noise of the door to the apartment opening with keys jolted me from thought, my eyes flickered toward the door, heart thumping a little harder as the door was pushed open and Nathan walked in.
I was completely mute, unable to even mouth the word hello.
“Hey” He breathed, his voice made me shiver, I missed the way it sounded, I missed everything about him and it had only been just over a week.
“Hi” I breathed back, unmoving.
Nathan neared the kitchen, I almost backed away, wanting to give him the space he needed, I didn’t know how to respond.
“So, do you think we could talk?” he asked, I couldn’t read his expression, I couldn’t gage where he was at, I just nodded.
“Do you maybe want to change?” Nathan asked, he looked me up and down, this expression I could read, but I knew he was fighting the thought, that’s how I knew he was still mad, that we still had things to deal with.
“Ok” I said, I moved away from the bench, bitting my lip, I had to pass him, and there wasn’t much space between us, just as I slid aside, he grabbed my arm lightly, his grip wasn’t firm, but it held me there, his breath hit my neck as I spun to face him.
“I missed you” He breathed, his lips inches from mine.
“I missed you too” I said softly, closing my eyes lightly and taking in his scent, for a split second we stayed like this, unmoving, not speaking, just, holding onto the moment.
I slid away, mentally cursing myself “I’ll be right back” I said, taking off to my room.
I changed quickly, fixing my hair before going back out, Nathan was sitting at the bench.
“Do you want some coffee?” I asked.
“Sure” Nathan shrugged.
I poured too cups before adding some milk and handed one to Nathan.
“Nate” I said softly “I…” I began.
Nathan shook his head “I don’t want to hear you say sorry again” He breathed “I know you’re sorry” he sighed.
“What does that mean exactly?” I asked.
“I just want to know the truth, I want to know how you feel about him” Nathan breathed.
“I told you how I felt” I mumbled “Nathan, I don’t love him…” I began.
“I’m not talking about love” Nathan sighed “The reason it bothered me so much, was because you told me that you and Ryan are able to talk, you have a connection that’s not only a physical one, that means something” he sighed.
I shook my head “Ryan is my past, yes, I, I have feelings for him, but that attraction, it’s nothing compared to the one I have for you” I breathed.
“If we never got together, and he came back, would you be with him?” Nathan asked.
I hated that he was asking me this, I hated that he wanted honesty from me because I had no choice now but to tell him the truth “Probably” I sighed.
“If I left, if we broke up and I left, would you be with him?” Nathan asked, I noticed the flicker of anger in his eyes as he asked this one.
“No” I breathed out, and it was the truth, if I went straight to Ryan, it’d be even more of a betrayal to Nathan, I’d never be stupid enough to do that.
Nathan’s eyes skimmed mine.
“I know you have no reason to believe anything I say any more but…” I attempted.
“I believe you” Nathan said.
“You do?” I asked.
Nathan nodded “I’ve noticed you have a clear tell when you are lying, but it’s only noticeable when you’re looking for it, you’d be terrible at poker” he said, smiling weakly.
“Do you have any more questions?” I asked.
“One more” Nathan said, his eyes staying on mine “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Why didn’t you just tell me you had feelings for him?” He sighed, his face falling slightly.
I ignored the fact that that was In a way, two questions “I didn’t know how to tell you, how would It look for me to come home one day and tell you that I felt something for someone else?” I demanded “I didn’t see any need to, I wasn’t planning on acting on anything” I sighed.
Nathan let out a breath “I thought that we had that honesty, I thought that we told each other everything, even insignificant things” He pointed out.
“We do, but even you must keep things from me, it’s a fact of protecting one another from small things” I breathed.
“Small things? So you being attracted to someone else, someone you work closely with, is small?” Nathan asked, he was frowning.
“No” I sighed “But at that point it was small, it was nothing, insignificant, until he kissed me” I breathed.
“I can understand, and accept that I guess” Nathan sighed, shaking his head.
“What does that mean for us then?” I asked, silently dreading the answer.
“I want to try to fix this” Nathan said “But I don’t know how” he sighed.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I don’t know how to forgive you for this, I love you, so much, and this past week has been hell for me, but knowing that you have these feelings for this guy, a guy that you see every day, it doesn’t feel right” Nathan breathed.
“I don’t have to see him, I haven’t seen him all week, I’ve been on a different shift to him and…” I began.
“That isn’t the point” Nathan sighed, shaking his head.
“What’s the point then? Tell me? I can fix it, I’ll do whatever you want me to do, I’ll, I’ll change hospitals…” I attempted.
Nathan let out a breath “I don’t expect you to do that” he said.
“I don’t want this to be it for us Nate, I don’t want to lose you” I mumbled, my hand wavered over his, I knew that I needed to be careful with him, I couldn’t react the same as I usually do, I couldn’t touch him, it might set him off.
“I think we just need to take this slowly” Nathan said.
“Us?” I asked.
Nathan nodded “I won’t move back in right now, we can just, test the waters” he said.
“Ok” I breathed.