Trouble

I sat with Nathan as the doctor explained exactly what the procedure would entail, I held his hand, offered him support, whilst on the inside I was beginning to fall apart, I knew his chances, I knew what could happen, and it hurt.
Once the doctor had explained everything, he explained that they would begin soon, that Nathan would be taken into the theatre in less than an hour.
He left the room and gathered nurses for prep.
“You’ll stay with me till I go in right?” Nathan asked, he was scared, we had spent the night talking, and crying, Nathan knew how risky this was, but it had to happen, if not, eventually he’d be in so much pain that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I nodded “I’m not going anywhere” I promised.
“I love you” Nathan breathed.
I smiled a weak smile “I love you too” I said.
“You, you…” Nathan attempted.
I shook my head “Save your voice” I said softly.
Nathan nodded his head, closing his eyes for a second.
“I’m just going to grab a coffee” I said softly, sliding away.
Nathan’s eyes flickered open, watching me as I left the room, as soon as I was outside and out of his eyes, I dropped down to the ground against the wall.
I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally, as I sat against the wall, I felt more tears slid down my cheeks, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be his rock, not when my emotions went in check. For a while I sat and cried, not caring how insane I looked to the people around me, I just needed this outlet, I needed to be alone for a while, a while which turned into almost half an hour.

“Sim” A voice sounded, causing me to look up, I spotted Ashley holding to coffee’s, her face was full of concern as she dropped down, sitting beside me.
“Ash” I whispered “I don’t know how to do this” I whispered.
Ashley handed me a coffee “Nathan needs you to be strong, so when you’re with him, pretend like hell, when he’s in that operating room, you can cry into my shoulder until he’s awake again” She breathed.
I knew now why Ashley was and will always be my best friend, she always supported me, no matter what, and right now when I needed her most, she was right by my side.
I sniffled, wiping away tears “I’m struggling even being in the same room as him” I whispered.
“Why?” Ashley asked.
“Partly because I know what could happen, and that I can lose him, but also because he lied to me, Nathan kept all of this from me, I feel betrayed” I sighed.
“He obviously had a reason for not telling you, right now that isn’t what you should dwell on” Ashley reminded me.
“I know, but it’s hard not to, it’s hard for me to deal with this when I’m feeling all these different emotions about it” I breathed.
“Just, put on that happy face for him Sim, he needs that right now” Ashley reminded me.
“Part of me doesn’t want to go back in there” I announced, my voice cracking “Part of me just wants to run away” I mumbled.
“I’m not going to let you do that” Ashley said, getting up and offering me her hand “Now go in there and spend the next hour with him” she breathed.
I checked my watch, he had half an hour till he was taken into surgery, sighing I went into the room.
“You’ve been gone a while” Nathan croaked, he looked so broken, so emotionless.
“I’m sorry” I said softly.
“Are you ok?” Nathan asked, his eyes flickering slightly.
I bit my lip, sitting down beside him “I’m not the one having surgery Nate, I’m fine” I mumbled.
“You’re upset, not just about this” Nathan breathed “Because I didn’t tell you” he added, his voice cracking.
“This reading me like a book act is getting old” I mumbled.
Nathan sighed, not saying anything.
“Of course I’m upset” I breathed, closing my eyes “After everything, I thought you’d have understood the importance of honesty in this relationship, you’ve been sick a long time, for all I know It could have been since we got together that you’ve been sick, the fact that you never told me, that hurts me” I whispered.
“I only wanted to protect you, I thought I could handle it, I thought…” Nathan attempted, his voice was almost gone, it sounded so gravelly, and I knew it was painful for him to speak.
“You thought wrong” I breathed “How long have you been having treatment?” I asked, bracing myself for the answer.
“Since I moved in” Nathan breathed.
“W-what?” I demanded.
“I…” Nathan attempted.
“So, whilst we’ve been together, the whole time, you’ve been keeping this from me? You’ve been sick since the moment you came back into my life and I had no idea?” I breathed.
Nathan nodded “I wanted to tell you…” He attempted.
“This, us, it’s all been a lie” I whispered, my body shaking “You, you have never been honest with me, since the beginning, it’s all been a lie” I breathed.
“None of it has been a lie” Nathan croaked, shaking “I have loved you for so long, I… I wanted us to be together, I wanted…” He began.
“So that was your plan? You forced your way into my life, ended my long term relationship with Dean, you planned it all?” I asked.
“No” Nathan breathed “I saw that you were happy with him, I, I never intended on hurting that, what happened with us, it happened because it was meant to, we were meant to….” Nathan attempted, I could tell he was beginning to feel more pain now, but in that moment I didn’t care, I felt sick, I felt betrayed beyond belief.
“How can I trust you after this?” I demanded.
Nathan was about to speak, when the doctor came in, ready to take him away.
“If I make it out of this, I will explain everything” Nathan croaked, his eyes firmly on mine.
I hated how he said if, even though he lied, and even though all of this hurt me, loving him is something that I can’t make go away.
“I love you” Nathan said softly as the doctor and a few nurses wheeled him away.