Trouble

Though I wanted really to leave the hospital and go home, I knew that I needed to be here, I needed to be around when he woke up, his mum and dad arrived just after they took Nathan in, getting in their hugs and kisses just as he was wheeled off.
We didn’t talk much, I didn’t feel like talking, to anyone.
Time passed slowly, an hour felt like two, two felt like four, and eventually the third came, that was when the doctor walked out, James was behind him, I couldn’t read their expressions, which worried me slightly. Ashley was right by my side as they spoke, as they explained everything.
They turned to Nathan’s parents “The operation was a success” the doctor announced “Nathan’s in ICU, he should wake up soon, then we’ll transfer him to a room and you can see him” he explained.
I breathed out the breath I had been holding in, he was going to wake up, that’s all I needed, and as Nathan’s parents hugged, I backed away, almost ready to leave the room, all I wanted was to know he was ok, and now that I got that, I could go, I could walk away.
“Sim” James said, stopping me as the doctor took off, “Nathan asked me to give this to you before he went under for the operation, he said no matter what happens, he wanted you to read it” he said.
I frowned as James handed me a note, I was hesitant to read it, not sure what he wanted to say, what he wanted to tell me in this letter. I was almost tempted to throw it away.
“You should read it” I had almost forgotten Ashley was there, but she was, urging me to hear what he had to say.
I sat against one of the chairs letting out a shaky breath and closing my eyes tightly for a second, before eventually building up the courage to open it, and begin reading.

*Dear Simona,
I screwed up, and I hate myself for it, I hate that I kept this from you, that from the beginning, I was keeping this from you, every day, I wanted to be honest with you, every day I wanted to tell you, but I knew how much it would have hurt you, I knew that if I told you, you’d have gone into medical mode, and I just wanted us to be together properly, I wanted you to love me, not pity me. Though I regret not telling you, not being honest, I wouldn’t take it back, if I had told you, we’d never have had what we have, we would never have been together properly, and I wouldn’t trade the time we have had together for anything.
My life hasn’t been so fulfilling, there are no memories I hold close, apart from every single memory I have with you in it, I’ve loved you forever, and I know that doesn’t make up for anything, but it’s the truth, and I owe you that truth more than anything else.

If I don’t make it, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, for everything.
If I do, I won’t blame you if you walk away, I won’t blame you if you end this, because in reality, I am a liar. But I hope that you won’t, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being an idiot, because I can’t lose you.
I love you, and I will always, love you,
Nate*

I felt tears fall down my cheeks as I read the letter, even though he was the one in pain, even though he was the one going through all of this, he wanted to make sure that I understood why he did what he did, he wanted to shed some light on the issue. What hurt was that this letter made it clear that he thought he was going to die. His last words to me weren’t heart felt like they seemed to be, he never intended on telling me why he did what he did, because he thought he’d never get the chance.
I didn’t know in that moment, what to feel, bouts of frustration flooded into the mix of sad and happy, he was ok, yet I felt like this was the final straw, that maybe I needed to walk away now to stop any further pain.
I hadn’t realised it, but James was standing nearby, he sat beside me and sighed “He thought you’d react differently, he told me to stay with you, he said no matter what, to stay with you, to explain something” James said.
“Explain what? That he’s a complete ass, and a liar?” I demanded.
“He knew you’d be mad” James sighed “He said to tell you that if he makes it, he wants you to be the first person he see’s, he wants to explain properly” he added.
“He said that?” I asked.
James nodded “he said he thought you might get mad, that you might think he thought this was the end and that the letter would be his goodbye” he said.
I bit my lip, Nathan knew almost exactly how I would react, and he planned for it too.
“I’ve got to get back to work” James said “Are you going to wait to see him?” he asked.
I sighed “I think so” I breathed.
“Good, because believe it or not, he actually does love you a hell of a lot, when they asked him to count down, I heard him mumbling, he wasn’t counting, he was saying your name” James said, he then turned as a nurse called him over, he patted my shoulder lightly, before taking off, leaving me to take in what he had just said.