Trouble

My hands shook as I placed one on the handle of Nathan’s hospital room door, his parents had agreed, I should be the first one in, they heard the story, they knew that I needed to see him, that we needed to talk, though he wouldn’t be able to talk right away, I knew I needed to just see him, to let him know I was still here.
As soon as I was in the room, he turned, his eyes flickered to mine, he looked tired, but happiness flooded through them as he saw me.
“Hi” he croaked.
“Please, don’t try and talk, I know you wanted me to be the first one in here so we could talk, but I think I should do the talking” I breathed.
Nathan nodded.
“I’m still not happy” I mumbled “But that letter, and the fact that you knew my thoughts before I did, it cemented in my mind that we are meant to be together” I added.
Nathan smiled, his eyes shining slightly.
“I can’t just willingly forgive you though, we have to work at this, we have to build everything up again Nate” I announced.
“I know” Nathan croaked.
I sighed “I’m going to let your parents in, and I’m going to go” I said.
“No” Nathan coughed, shaking his head and reaching for my hand “Don’t” he croaked.
“Right now, I need to just, I need to be away from you” I breathed.
Nathan’s face fell, he didn’t say anything.
“I’ll come see you tomorrow” I promised, I hesitated, looking at his hand over mine before pulling it away.
I leant over to him, kissing his cheek lightly, instantly he turned, his lips meeting mine, he kissed me softly at first, before his hands reaching out, holding onto my face.
Tears slid down my cheeks as his kisses grew fiercer, I pulled away, shaking my head “Don’t push this Nathan” I breathed, shaking my head and blinking back tears as I grabbed my bag and turned for the door, I leant against it for a second, before composing myself and going back out to where Nathan’s parents were waiting, I sent them in and turned to Ashley.
“I’m going home” I said.
“Do you want some company?” Ashley asked.
I nodded and together we walked towards the car park.

At the apartment, Ashley and I sat around watching TV, I was glad she was there, her anchoring me down made this a little easier.
“So what’s next then?” Ashley finally asked, turning.
“Popcorn?” I shrugged.
Ashley shook her head “You know what I’m talking about” She sighed.
“I don’t know” I breathed, closing my eyes “He’s going to be recovering for a while, he’ll be In hospital for two weeks” I said.
“And then? I know you think you’ll be able to avoid the topic but…” Ashley began.
“I know I won’t be able to avoid anything, I, I made it clear to him that I’m not going to just be able to snap back into what we where, there’s no way” I sighed.
“So a rebuild?” Ashley asked.
I nodded “We need to start from the beginning again, he needs to earn back my trust” I sighed.
“And he’s ok with that?” Ashley questioned.
“He couldn’t really express his thoughts, but if he’s not, I guess that means that we’ll be done” I breathed.
“You don’t really mean that do you?” Ashley asked.
“I, Yes” I mumbled.
Ashley shook her head “No, you don’t, face it, no matter what has happened, you love him, I know I was sceptical about him after the whole call girl thing, but he’s good for you, and he’s a good guy, yes, he’s kept something from you, but in the end, you either love him and want to be with him, or you don’t” she said.
“It isn’t that simple Ash” I sighed.
“No? Why not?” Ashley demanded.
“It just isn’t” I frowned.
“I know that you feel hurt, that you feel like he betrayed you, but I saw that letter and he had a point, if he had told you from the beginning, you’d never have been with him, face it, you’d still be with Dean right now, if he had told you, you would have treated him like a patient” Ashley pointed out.
“That isn’t true” I frowned, shaking my head and sliding from the couch to go into the kitchen.
Ashley followed me, shaking her head “It is so true, even if he had waited to tell you when you were dating, you’d have treated him differently, you wouldn’t have let as much happen” Ashley breathed.
“If you’re talking about sex, you are…” I began.
“Of course I’m talking about sex, you and Nathan have that all round bond, I know it’s a topic you don’t want to discuss, but without that in your relationship, you wouldn’t have the fire, you wouldn’t have lasted as long” Ashley shrugged.
“Nate and I are more than just…” I attempted.
“Yes, and that’s the point, you’re more than just the physical, you two have it all, but if he had told you he was sick, you’d have closed off a part of you and you wouldn’t be what you are as a couple” Ashley explained.
I frowned, Ashley had a point, surprisingly. She knew exactly what the situation was, and she was the one to make me understand, really, that Nathan’s justification for not telling me, was valid.