Trouble

It was late in the afternoon when I made my way into the hospital, I had taken the day off, I needed to just, spend some time alone.
When I reached the floor Nathan was on, I let out a breath, walking slowly to his room.
I pushed open the door and sighed, he was watching the TV, but as soon as the door clicked he looked up.
“Hi” he breathed, his voice sounded a tiny bit better.
“Hi I smiled weakly.
“I didn’t think you’d come” Nathan breathed.
“I told you I would” I reminded him.
“After how I acted” Nathan mumbled.
I sighed, walking towards the chair and sitting by him “You acted stupidly, yes, but I can look past that” I shrugged.
“The kiss?” Nathan asked.
I nodded.
“Everything else?” Nathan questioned.
“I still need time Nate, you being in here for two weeks, that’s a good thing, it gives us that time” I sighed.
“And then?” Nathan asked.
“I don’t know” I breathed “It might take longer than two weeks for me to be ok with everything” I added.
“I promise that I’ll give you any space you need” Nathan breathed.
I smiled a weak smile “I know, but Nate you have to understand that I, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive what you did, time is a factor as well as everything else” I sighed.
“I want to explain” Nathan said.
I nodded “And I’ll let you, but at the moment, you shouldn’t be using your voice” I sighed.
“I don’t want to wait to tell you” Nathan croaked, his eyes focusing on mine.
“The letter explained to me enough to get me to stay” I reminded him.
“But not to get you to forgive me, not to get you to stay forever” Nathan breathed.
I sighed, shaking my head at him “I want so badly, for us to be able to talk, for you to explain why you were idiotic enough to even think keeping something like this, something so, serious, from me, was ok, but I know that it’s crucial that you keep the talking to a minimal, so stop” I breathed.
Nathan’s face fell, he reached out for my hands and opened his mouth “I’m sorry” he mouthed.
I bit my lip, looking at our hands for a second “I know you are” I breathed.
For a second we sat in silence, I sat thinking, staring against the wall, knowing full well that he was watching me.
“I don’t want it to be like this” Nathan croaked, causing me to snap from my thoughts and look at him, I realised his hands were still grasping mine, so I slid them away “You don’t want it to be like this?” I demanded.
Nathan shook his head.
“To be honest Nate, neither do I, but I feel, I feel like I’ve been played, and that’s going to take time to wear off” I reminded him.
Nathan nodded before letting out a breath, he reached over to the side table where there was a note pad and pen, and quickly scribbled something down.

*I know that I was stupid, and I know that you might feel hurt that I didn’t tell you, but like I wrote in that letter, I knew you’d never have fell in love with me the way you have, if I had told you**

I sighed as I read what he had written, closing my eyes “That’s not true at all, because I’ve been in love with for so long that I can’t even remember when it started, and I guess I’m the idiot in this because I should never have let you stay with me when I knew how I felt, but evidently, I wasn’t as committed to Dean as I thought I was” I breathed.

Nathan looked down, writing something else.

*You’re not an idiot**

“Mmm” I breathed.

Nathan wrote again.

*If you really felt that way about me, why didn’t you tell me?**

“Don’t turn this around on me Nathan, I had a boyfriend, I didn’t tell you because I was with Dean, and before that, we were friends, I didn’t want to rock the boat, besides, that is completely irrelevant” I breathed.

“It isn’t” Nathan croaked.
“Oh, and how do you figure?” I demanded.

Nathan sighed, frustration clear on his face as he looked down to write again, the scribbles were getting more vigorous and harder and harder to read.

*I would have completely changed course of action if I knew how you felt**

I frowned as I read this “Course of action?” I demanded “You make it sound like, like a goal, it actually sounds exactly like a play” I frowned.

Nathan shook his head and wrote again, this time I stopped him.
“No amount of explaining is going to get you out of that” I breathed, standing up.
“Simona” Nathan groaned, his voice cracking.
“No” I frowned, shaking my head “You’re making out like all of this is my fault, like me not telling you, that is why all of this crap happened” I hissed.
“No, it isn’t your fault” Nathan breathed, I knew now that his throat was beginning to hurt, so I caved, I sighed and loosened my tense shoulders “I’m going to go, I’m working tomorrow, so I’ll come see you, try not to use your voice” I breathed.
Nathan held a hand up before grabbing a pen again and writing.

*I won’t use my voice at all, the only person I want to talk to, is you, it hurts to talk, every word is like knives cutting into my throat, yet I talk to express how I feel to you, that’s how much I love you**

I let out a breath, leaning over to him and kissing him on the forehead “I’ll see you tomorrow” I said, turning and leaving the room.
I leant against the wall, closing my eyes for a second, before composing myself and taking off home.