Trouble

My eyes flickered across the road as I attempted to walk toward the hospital, I had been feeling so weird, my emotions weren’t in check, but since the realisation that I needed help had hit me, I was beginning to show some improvement.
After talking to James, he had referred me to a doctor who would talk to me about the problem, I’d been going for a month, now three months into the pregnancy, things were kind of set in stone. I was feeling a little better, but things were still a little hazy.
Things with Nathan were beginning to be ok again, and we were able to discuss the baby without me flipping out, which was a good sign.
I got to the other side of the road, and began the short trip into the hospital, I had another session.
I got to the room to see my doctor, Dr Tessa Alessio.
She was renowned for issues like mine, and she was doing an amazing job.
I went right in.
“How are you feeling today” Tessa asked.
“Fine, today’s been a good day so far” I shrugged.
“How are things with Nathan?” Tessa questioned.
“Fine” I shrugged.
“Physically” Tessa asked.
I sighed “Ok, but not the same” I breathed, in that department, Nathan and I had been falling back a bit, things were tense, and though we were getting there, the physical side of our relationship hadn’t been right on track.
“Right, and you’ve been doing what I told you, having the ten minute a day talks?” Tessa questioned.
“Nate and I talk constantly, more than ten minutes a day” I breathed.
“I mean really talk, about you, about the baby, and your feelings” Tessa challenged.
“Why is that important?” I sighed, shaking my head.
“You know all too well that it’s something that you need to do, you need to be honest with Nathan, and he needs to be honest with you” Tessa pointed out.
“We are honest with one another” I mumbled.
“Really?” Tessa asked.
“Mostly” I sighed.
“Mostly?” Tessa asked.
“I guess there are some things we haven’t talked about, like my doubts” I sighed.
“About keeping the baby?” Tessa questioned.
I nodded “I did tell him I intended on giving the baby up, but that was a month ago, I was in a darker place” I sighed.
“And now? You want to keep the baby?” Tessa asked.
“I don’t know” I breathed “Part of me wishes that I could say yes to that, because I know it’d make everything so much easier, but I, I can’t just say yes” I sighed.
“Tell me why” Tessa said.
“Why I wish I could say yes?” I asked.
“Why you can’t” Tessa breathed.
“Because I know that if I say yes, there’s no going back, and I know that Nate and I are in no way ready for a child” I sighed.
“Your defence makes me wonder if maybe you’re just making excuses” Tessa announced, looking at me carefully “Have you thought about this before, about having children?” She asked.
“Yes, but that was before Nate” I sighed.
“And what, it’s different with Nathan?” Tessa asked.
“Nathan and I have fun” I breathed “There’s never been this seriousness” I sighed.
“And that worries you?” Tessa questioned.
“It doesn’t worry me, I just don’t want it, I want fun, I want things to stay the same” I mumbled.
“You know that won’t happen, no matter what, if you give the baby up, it’s most likely…” Tessa attempted.
“I know” I breathed, cutting her off.
“I think you need to consider the ten minute talks a day still, try it” Tessa said.
I sighed and nodded.
We continued to talk till the end of the session, before I made my way home.

“Hey” Nathan said as I entered the apartment, placing my bag on the bench.
“Hi” I said, smiling a small smile and kissing him lightly on the cheek.
“How was…” Nathan began.
“Fine” I breathed.
Nathan raised an eyebrow, causing me to sigh “I’m just frustrated” I shrugged.
“About the session?” Nathan asked.
“Just, it’s not anything really, some of the things we talked about hit a nerve” I sighed.
“Ok” Nathan said.
I smiled, glad he wasn’t pushing me to tell him, he hadn’t once tried since I started the sessions, he knew that I needed this to be my own thing.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“Yeah, a little, let’s go out for dinner” Nathan sounded.
“Let me change” I said, sliding aside and going to my room.
I grabbed a dress from my wardrobe, and placed it on the bed.
“Are you going to shut the door?” Nathan asked from the doorway, I didn’t even need to look at him to know he was smirking.
“Didn’t realise you’d be perving, otherwise I would have shut it” I shrugged, spinning around and grinning at him.
“You should know by now that I’m always perving” Nathan said.
My face fell slightly as I heard what he said, but I didn’t let him notice.
“Can you shut it for me?” I asked.
Nathan nodded, sliding away and shutting the door, instantly I sat on the bed, I hated this, I hated that we had small glimmers of what we use to be, it only cemented in my mind that no matter what, things would change.
And one day, this relationship will end.