Trouble

I closed my eyes, feeling his body still pressed against mine, his lips inches away, my hands slid back to his face, touching the skin “Nate” I whispered “I don’t want to lose you again, I can’t” I added.
Nathan let out a breath, his eyes flickered slightly and he shifted, attempting to let me go “You need to talk to Mark, you need to consider what you want here, because it might not be me” he said.
I shook my head as my feet touched the ground “I want you” I announced, my hands still holding onto him.
“Sim” Nathan sighed.
“All I’ve ever wanted, was you” I breathed.
“How can you be so sure when we’ve been apart for so long now?” Nathan asked.
“Because the second I thought I was going to lose you, my world practically fell apart, I couldn’t breathe Nathan, I couldn’t think about anything but you” I sounded.
Nathan let out a breath again “I…” he attempted.
“Nathan” I sighed “Why are you trying so hard to get me to walk away?” I asked, letting my hands fall to his arms, but still keeping a grasp on him.
“Because I don’t want you to regret choosing me” Nathan said “I don’t know if I can give you everything you want” he breathed.
“Everything I want is you” I reminded him.
“Stop” Nathan frowned “You’re judgment is clouded, that kiss, this conversation, it’s all clouded by the fact that you thought I was going to end my life, but I’m not and now that you know that, you need to think about this, really think about it” he commented, moving himself from my grasp.
“I have been thinking about it” I frowned.
“A week ago you hated me, you need to….” Nathan attempted.
“I love you Nathan, yeah, being with Mark is great, but he will never be you and that’s the cloud here, there’s always been a cloud over my relationship with him” I breathed.
“But if he can make you happy…” Nathan sighed.
“That isn’t the point” I said, grabbing his hand “I don’t feel what I feel for you, for him, I never will, I’d just be settling for him and I, I don’t want to do that to him, or to myself, not when I know now that I want and will always want, you” I whispered.
Nathan’s fingers curled around mine “You need to talk to him” he breathed.
I nodded “I will” I said.
“I should go” Nathan breathed.
“I don’t’ want you to” I mumbled, still holding onto his hand.
“I don’t trust myself to stay here” Nathan sighed.
“Why?” I asked.
Nathan’s eyes flickered to mine and he breathed out “Because all I want to do is kiss you, and hold you, and I can’t do that knowing you’re still with him” he breathed.
“I’ll end things with Mark” I pointed out.
“But until you do I can’t let anything happen, back when things started when you cheated on Dean with me, it made things more complicated than they should have been, you were right when you said that” Nathan said.
“Ok” I sighed, letting him go.
“I’ll call you” Nathan sounded.
I nodded.
Walking with him to the door.
The second it was shut I knew I had to call Mark.
I picked up my phone and dialled.
“Can you come over?” I asked.
“Now? I thought you were tiered” Mark commented.
“I was, am, but I really need to talk to you” I said.
“OK, I’ll be over soon” Mark said.

I had been playing in my mind, over and over again, what to say to Mark, how to exactly word what was happening, but no word came to mind.
When he arrived, I stood back, letting him in and sitting on the couch.
“You’re freaking me out” Mark commented as I fiddled slightly.
I bit my lip “I don’t know how to say this” I whispered.
“What?” Mark asked.
“I, Mark, I do really care about you, and I’ve loved everything about our relationship…” I began.
“This sounds like a break up speech” Mark said slowly.
I didn’t say anything.
“Wow” Mark breathed “Well I didn’t expect this” he frowned “I thought, why?” he sighed.
“It’s complicated” I mumbled.
“No” Mark frowned “you don’t have the right to say that, tell me the truth” he breathed “Don’t I at least deserve that?” he added.
“The truth, the truth is that I love Nathan, and I will always love Nathan, and it isn’t fair to you if we keep seeing each other” I breathed.
“Something happened with Nathan, apart from that kiss before we went away” Mark sighed.
“He sent me a message whilst we were on holiday’s, it was pretty dark, it sounded like he was going to end things, I called him, we talked, but I wasn’t sure he was ok, so after you left today I called him to come over” I breathed.
“Ok, and?” Mark sighed.
“Does it matter?” I frowned.
“Yeah, it does, I want to know, what happened? Did you sleep with him?” Mark breathed.
“NO” I snapped, shaking my head.
“Then what?” Mark sighed.
“We kissed” I mumbled.
“That might even be worse” Mark said, shaking his head “You told me that you were over him” He added.
“I thought I was, I really did, but when your connection to someone is so strong, it never really goes away” I sighed.
“What was I then? What was this? Just a time filler, just space between your next epic romance with him?” Mark snapped.
“I genuinely do love you Mark” I mumbled “Just not enough” I added.
Mark let out a breath “I was never enough” he added.
“I’m sorry” I whispered.
Mark shook his head “I bet you are, you’ll be in bed with him the second I leave, that’s how it works, isn’t it? Oh, well I guess not, I guess I’m lucky, you actually broke up with me before you had sex with him” he hissed.
“Don’t” I frowned “Don’t throw my past in my face like that, you don’t understand…” I attempted.
“I understand that you are just a liar and a cheat” Mark hissed, turning “You don’t care about anyone but yourself” he added before taking off.