Trouble

I had been playing in my mind over and over again, how I would tell Nathan about the pregnancy.
I paced around the room as I waited for him to arrive in the morning.
We were having breakfast together, I had made us some things which were sitting on the table.
When he arrived, I pulled open the door and attempted to smile “Hey” I said.
Nathan frowned “Hi” he said slowly “What’s up with you?” He asked as he slid into the apartment.
“Nothing” I said quickly.
“Really?” Nathan asked, raising an eyebrow.
I nodded.
“Ok, I don’t believe you, so how about you tell me the truth” Nathan said.
“You’re right, something is up, but I didn’t want to lead with it” I sighed.
“So it’s bad then?” Nathan frowned.
“It’s, complicated, I don’t know if it’s good or bad right now” I breathed.
“Ok” Nathan breathed.
“Let’s sit down” I sighed, pointing to the table “Maybe we should eat first” I added.
“Let’s just talk about the problem” Nathan said.
I closed my eyes, turning and sitting at the table “Ok” I said.
“You are seriously being weird” Nathan commented.
“I’m pregnant Nate” I blurted out, shaking.
“What?” Nathan demanded.
I sighed “I’m pre…” I attempted.
“I heard” Nathan said “How?” he breathed.
“It’s Mark’s” I sighed.
“Wow” Nathan said “I, I don’t know what to say” he breathed.
“I know it’s, crazy, and I understand if, if it’s too much for you…” I began.
“I don’t know what it is” Nathan said “I just know that I need to think about it” he added.
I nodded.
“I don’t understand how this happened” he breathed.
“You do get how it works….” I began.
“I get how it works” Nathan said, frowning “I just, you guys have been broken up a while” he sighed.
“Yeah, I’m about two months pregnant” I breathed.
“Ok” Nathan said.
“We don’t have to talk about it right now, you can go, think and…” I began.
“No, I do need to think about it, but I want to stay, I want to talk, it’ll help me clear it up in my mind and think at the same time” Nathan said.
“Ok” I breathed.
“Are you ok?” Nathan asked.
“Why are you asking me that?” I questioned.
Nathan’s eyes focused on mine “I can’t help remembering how you were when you were pregnant before, how negative you were, and not only that, but this, it brings up that memory of losing our baby girl” he breathed.
“I’m, I’m fine” I sighed.
“Really?” Nathan asked.
I bit my lip “I was more worried about how to tell you, how to handle this” I breathed.
“Don’t worry about me, not ever” Nathan said “I can’t believe this is happening again, we’re in a good place and, it’s such spectacularly bad timing” he breathed.
“You got that right” I sighed
“Have you told…” Nathan attempted.
“I wasn’t going to tell him right away, I wanted to tell you first, but when I was leaving the ultrasound, he saw me” I sighed.
“And how did that go?” Nathan asked.
“He was supportive, once he knew it was his” I sighed “he wants to be involved” I added.
“Oh” Nathan breathed.
“I know that this is complic…” I attempted.
“Complicated is one word for it” Nathan sighed.
“I don’t want this to break us Nate, but I get it if you can’t be involved…” I began.
“I am not walking away from you now” Nathan said, holding onto my hand “I love you, so much, yeah, this isn’t ideal, but I’m not stupid enough to let you go again, I made that mistake too many times before, I lost so much time with you and I regret every second I wasn’t there, I’m never letting you go” he announced.
I bit my lip “But this baby, it might complicate things” I pointed out.
“Maybe, but I don’t care” Nathan shrugged.
“How can you say that when you don’t know what I’ll be like?” I asked.
“I take you with everything ok, baby, no baby…” Nathan began.
“You need to take time to think about this Nate” I frowned.
“No, I don’t” Nathan said.
“We were both a wreck when we lost the baby before, I, I don’t want you to go through anything like that again, I’m giving you an out” I whispered.
Nathan grabbed my other hand, pulling me slightly so I was closer to him “I don’t want an out” he whispered “I want you, always” he added.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head “But…” I began.
“You’re trying hard to get rid of me” Nathan announced, smiling a weak smile.
“I’m not trying to get rid of you, I just don’t want you to commit to this when you don’t have to” I frowned.
“But I do have to” Nathan breathed.
I looked at him, confused, so he continued “I told you how dark my life was without you in it, if I don’t commit to this, I lose you, and I can’t lose you again, we were prepared for the baby before, we were planned and organised, we can do it again” Nathan sounded.
“I, I don’t know if I can” I whispered, shaking.
“From the second I suspected I was pregnant, the memory kept flashing in my mind, I can’t help but keep thinking, what if it happens again” I breathed.
“What happened was horrible, but baby what’s the chance it’ll happen again?” Nathan said softly,
“But what if something does? I whispered “Nate, I can’t lose another baby” I said, tears falling slightly.
Nathan wrapped his arms around me “I will do everything I can to make sure nothing does happen” he sounded.
“I’m just so afraid that I’ll let this baby down like I did our baby girl, I…” I began.
“What happened wasn’t your fault” Nathan said, cutting me off “That guy, that, lunatic, it was his fault” He breathed.
“I know that, but I still can’t help but feel like it was, like there was something I could have dome” I sighed.
Nathan sighed, pressing his lips to the top of my head and kissing me lightly, for a while I stayed in his arms, and it felt like everything was ok.