Let It Be Me

There it was again, that nagging, heartbreaking feeling that Kurt was somewhere else, with someone else (someone Adam couldn't compete with), even though he was lying with Adam in his bed. Sometimes he just wanted to beg Kurt to let his past go and be with him now, to let Adam love him the way he had never been loved before.

Instead, Adam held him tightly and loved him with everything he had all the same. God, he ached for this man; until now he had never quite understood the meaning of the phrase "loving someone so much it hurts."

He told himself that he was a fool, and maybe he was. After all, Kurt was clearly having trouble letting go of his past love; he was so evidently confused about his feelings. There were so many times, like this very moment, when Adam was certain Kurt was really thinking about that ex-love when they were together. Adam couldn't compete with a fantasy, he knew that, and he feared more than anything that he was just some rebound.

Still, he had fallen hard for Kurt. He had so much love to give Kurt, if only Kurt would just let go of the past and let Adam in.

Adam looked longingly at the younger man lying beside him. Kurt's eyes were closed, and Adam wondered who was behind Kurt's eyelids. He wanted it to be him who Kurt pictured when he dreamed or when he fantasized, but all too often it seemed to be that other man (if he could be called a man at all.) That "man" who had hurt Kurt so badly, that Kurt struggled to get over. That excuse for a man was who Kurt was likely seeing; it was nearly always him, no matter how badly Adam or even Kurt wanted it to be otherwise.

It was only after that weekend when Adam was snowed in at Kurt's apartment that Adam finally spoke with Kurt about this issue. He had ruled talking about it was the only right thing to do, for both of them. It wasn't right for either of them to continue if Kurt couldn't let go of the past and move on.

There was something in the way Kurt confessed that he desperately wanted to be over Blaine that really struck Adam. It stirred so many emotions in him. He felt hopeful, hopeful that he actually had a chance that Kurt really wanted him after all. Then again, he still felt heartache and fear; Kurt wanted to be over Blaine but he wasn't, and he didn't exactly seem sure that he would get over Blaine.

Still, this was Adam's chance. Kurt was letting him in, however gradually. So, he made him an offer, however absurd it might have seemed; they would go out, and they would find their movie, and maybe, just maybe, Adam would find his way into Kurt's heart and Kurt's dreams in this way. It was an awful lot to hope for, but as he held Kurt's hand he knew he had to try.

The following night, they watched a lot of movies. They hadn't found theirs yet, but perhaps they were instead finding something more important. Adam dared to hope.

Midway through the last film they had rented, Kurt kissed him, and there was something different in the way he kissed him. Adam wasn't sure what, if anything, it meant, but there was something different there. Kurt seemed more certain, more present, and utterly passionate.

That night when they made love, Kurt still closed his eyes. Adam feared the worst for a tense and heartbreaking moment. What would he have to do? He couldn't keep doing this. "Just once, let it be me," his heart pleaded as it pounded madly in his chest. Aloud he spoke only Kurt's name, a breathless, one-word question. It was the only way he could think to ask Kurt the question burning inside him, to find out if it was really Adam that Kurt was loving presently.

Kurt's response was simple, yet profound. He said Adam's name, like an answer. He said it with such certainty. He repeated the name with breathless, gasping pleasure. He repeated the name with something in his tone very much like love, and Adam had never heard his name sound so beautiful before. It was like a love song, like a masterpiece, like a dream so beautiful one never wanted to wake from it.

He watched Kurt come undone underneath him, and he followed suit not long after. Then, they just collapsed into the bed together. It was amazing how much something could feel like a dream but still somehow feel so powerfully, wonderfully real; it must have been what a "dream come true" felt like.

There was hope for them now. They felt like they were really together. Adam looked at Kurt, and Kurt looked back at him. It was clear that Kurt was totally present, and there was no one else on his mind. He held Adam tightly. They both knew there would be times ahead when things were not this easy or this amazing. They knew that as much as love like this helped things tremendously that what would ultimately heal Kurt's wounds was simply time.

Still, in this moment, there was no one but the two of them, and that was something that both of them had needed and wanted. Everything felt different for them now. Everything finally felt right.

Adam had never been happier.