Status: not really sure if these are good so I'm sorry if they suck

4 a.m. Thoughts

what if?

i miss him again. i am not numb. i can feel everything.
oh god i feel everything.
i can't stop wondering.
what if i had told him that i loved him more than i am capable of loving anyone else?
maybe i meant nothing to him or maybe i was everything.
i hope i was everything because god he is.
what if i had told him that he made everything okay?
i'd like to think he would have stayed.
and what if i had asked him to stay.
what if i had told him that when he left, he took a part of me with him and now i'm lost. i'm lost and i have been for what seems like a lifetime and i'm not so sure i can find my way back.
what if i told him that i still see him in everything and fuck, i swear my throat catches fire at the thought of last july.
my nightmares are of him. my dreams are of him. he is baby blue eyes. he is the lyrics of my favorite song by the band he used to sing to me when i was not myself and he is babygirl you are loved. he is cigarette smoke and he is sunny days and he is poetry and movies and flowers. him him him.
he's not dead but oh god i mourn like he is.
♠ ♠ ♠
for T. these questions will never be answered but that doesn't stop me from asking them.

I hope this will be the last time I write you down.