Half a Heart

-Maria:
Boring. Boring is a well chosen word when it comes to my life. All I ever do is study, meet family and study some more. On the outside I seem like the happiest girl in the world, but no one really knows how I feel on the inside, boring and tired, almost desperate for something different, unplanned to happen to me.

I sigh as I take one last look in the mirror before I get out of my room, time to face a new day. As I get out of my room, my sanctuary, I automatically get into the chaotic mess that is my family. Let me tell you something about my family, it's big and it's loud. Sometimes it's even difficult to keep track of my family because it only seems to grow bigger by the day. My mom remarried just a couple of weeks ago, resulting in me getting 4 new siblings, suddenly I went from being an older sister to being a middle child. Quite a big transition no?

However that doesn't bother me to much anymore, in fact I secretly like having three older siblings, even though we're not related by blood. Now this might not sound as the biggest family in the entire world, and if it's only us, then it isn't.However last week my entire family came from Iran to visit us, meaning I now got about 20 cousins, aunts and uncles at my house. That is exactly why I'm different than any other swedish girl, my mom moved to Sweden from Iran because of the war, when she was around 20, had me and now here we are, almost 18 years later. This probably doesn't sound like a huge deal, but sometimes it feels as if I don't fit in the swedish society because of my heritage and looks, and some people decide to make that obvious for me.

"Morning Maria, had a good night's sleep?" My stepfather asks me and pulls me out of my thinking. I quickly look up and force a smile to appear on my face.
"Yes wasn't that bad, what about you?" I say politely. He only nods and moves to get downstairs. You see this is were it gets difficult, for some reason I can never relax around my stepfather, he seems a little but intimidating at times because he looks so much like my father. Unfortunately my father passed away in cancer, almost two years ago, and I guess that is one reasons of the awkwardness between us, he is no way a bad guy, just a bit weird I guess.

I shake my head quickly and move down the stairs and immediately plaster a huge smile on my face as I enter the kitchen. Suddenly I feel a bit underdressed as everyone's wearing normal clothes and I'm still in k´my pj's. I blush and simply sit down for breakfast, keeping my eyes away from everyone. I like to stay unnoticed, being invisible is one of my specialities in life.

"So how's school Maria, are you doing ok?" My aunt asks as she takes a look at me, then at what I'm wearing and scrunches her nose a bit in distaste, her big brown eyes widening a little bit.
"School's fine." I spit out a bit rudely causing mom to slightly glare at me. I sigh and look away, suddenly finding my cereal incredibly interesting.

Now normally when you aunt, that you haven't seen for two years,comes to visit she probably would ask about you and not your grades when she sees you in the morning, but yeah, that's my family for you. Only thing that matters is straight A's all through. I feel everyone staring at me so I distract myself with carefully braiding my long dark brown hair. When I'm done I get up and quietly move back into my room.

I stand in front of the mirror once again, trying to find what's wrong with me. I quickly let me dark brown eyes roam around my body, frowning at my stomach and my thighs, then back up to my face where I carefully inspect my skin after any blemishes or pimples, feeling satisfied I take one last glance at my short frame and move back in bed. I turn on my computer and start doing the only thing I'm good at, studying.

A couple of hours later I decide I've had enough and let myself drift into other things on facebook, seeing my friends online I decide to start a chat. We discuss things around heaven and earth and that makes me smile, it's nice to have friends that you can really talk about anything with.

Anna: So Maria, you're 18th birthday is coming up ;) I smile as I see her message, but I frown, for any other girl my age, you're 18th is supposed to be incredibly fun, with first time clubbing and possibly drinking. But with my family and their control, I'm not too sure if any of that'll ever happen. So I sigh and reply.

Me: Yh, what about it? :) I shake my head as I send her the message, she's probably thinking of something enormous.

Anna: Well, I know you've always wanted to see a football game live, especially Barcelona, and I've got tickets to go there with my family, I have one left over since my brother's not joining us and I was wondering if you wanted to come?
I smile at the thought of travelling to Barcelona and seeing a live game, now don't get me wrong, I don't know much about football, but there's something amazing about the atmosphere at every game I've seen on the telly, that makes me want to experience that for real. I immediately get up from my bed to ask for my moms permission to go. I topple down the stairs, almost tripping half the way and get to my mother.

"Mami?!!!" I practically yell throughout the entire house. Mom turns around in the kitchen and faces me, her brown eyes, identical to mine, looks at me and lingers a bit to long at my pjs before she frowns at me.
"What is it sweetie?" she asks her voice laced with a bit of anger from what happened at breakfast. I carefully explain to her about Barcelona and watch her face turn from confused to angry, to acceptance.

"Oh, alright sweetie, but only because you're turning 18 and only if you promise to come back home and focus on your studying" she says and looks at me with a smile. I squeal and hug her, so happy that she said yes to something I wanted for the first time ever.

I smile to myself as I go up to my room, this trip is going to be different, I feel it. I silently vowed myself that I would change during this trip, and let things unfold unplanned. I need change, and so I'm going to embrace it I decide, as I go online to answer my friend.

Barcelona here I come!!