The Room
The Room
'Was it worth it?'
I shrunk away from the voice. Those four simple words rang like a shrill bell within me. Was it worth it? They caused a vibration within me that persisted in haunting me.
'Was it worth it?'
What if it wasn’t worth it? What if I had thrown everything away, everything that was once precious to me, essential to my being, just for a fleeting moment of self-satisfaction, of revenge?
'Was it worth it?'
I had been left alone with my thoughts, my treacherous thoughts. What had I done?
The walls had begun to press in on me, the dark, grimy walls. The single lightbulb hanging on a bare cable had begun to flicker. I could hear the trickle of water as it dripped onto the already sopping wet ground.
'Was it worth it?'
I folded myself into a ball, clenching my head, covering my ears, trying to block out the voice. How could they know what I did? Why I did it?
'Was it worth it?'
I felt the question deep within my bones, shuddering every little piece of my being.
Why wouldn’t they leave me alone? I know what I did. I know what happened. I know why I did it.
Did I?
Was it worth it?
Was it?
The lightbulb had begun to flicker more, staying out for longer periods of time.
'Was. It. Worth. It.'
The voice had suddenly become urgent, now officially demanding an answer out of me. I wasn’t going to answer. They didn’t need to know.
'Don’t we deserve to know?'
The voice had changed from a bone shuddering echo, to a heart-wrenching sob.
How could I know? I didn’t know how they felt, what they were thinking, what they knew. Maybe they were just screwing with me, trying to burrow into my thoughts and mess up my mind. I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I lifted my head, thinking maybe I could see the source of the voice talking to me. There was no one else in the room, only the dripping water and the bulb, and the shadows.
The shadows. They were moving. They were creeping in from all corners of the room, toward the ceiling and toward me. The bulb’s flickering was beginning to flash in short, quick bursts, giving the bulb the function of a strobe light. It was fighting, trying to remain on, in one last burst of life. The closer the shadows got to the bulb, the faster the bulb would flicker.
'Just answer. One word. It’s so simple.'
But it wasn’t! I cried out in frustration. It wasn’t that simple! Yes or no is anything but simple! No answer is simpler than yes or no. Yes and no is definite, certain. Yes and no makes things real. Yes and no makes people form opinions about you and your decisions. Nothing was simple. No one could prove anything, and it invalidates any opinions conceived against your behalf.
Nothing was simple. My reasoning wasn’t simple, my situation wasn’t simple, my thoughts weren’t simple. Nothing was simple.
'Yes or no, and you will be free.'
Yes or no wouldn’t free me. Nothing could free me. I was beyond freedom, unless…
The shadows inched their way closer to the bulb, to me. I began watching them. The closer they got, the clearer, the emptier my mind was becoming, the faster the bulb was flickering.
In one last final attempt to get me to speak, the voice rang out into the room, using only six words:
'I hope it was worth it.'
The bulb went out.
I shrunk away from the voice. Those four simple words rang like a shrill bell within me. Was it worth it? They caused a vibration within me that persisted in haunting me.
'Was it worth it?'
What if it wasn’t worth it? What if I had thrown everything away, everything that was once precious to me, essential to my being, just for a fleeting moment of self-satisfaction, of revenge?
'Was it worth it?'
I had been left alone with my thoughts, my treacherous thoughts. What had I done?
The walls had begun to press in on me, the dark, grimy walls. The single lightbulb hanging on a bare cable had begun to flicker. I could hear the trickle of water as it dripped onto the already sopping wet ground.
'Was it worth it?'
I folded myself into a ball, clenching my head, covering my ears, trying to block out the voice. How could they know what I did? Why I did it?
'Was it worth it?'
I felt the question deep within my bones, shuddering every little piece of my being.
Why wouldn’t they leave me alone? I know what I did. I know what happened. I know why I did it.
Did I?
Was it worth it?
Was it?
The lightbulb had begun to flicker more, staying out for longer periods of time.
'Was. It. Worth. It.'
The voice had suddenly become urgent, now officially demanding an answer out of me. I wasn’t going to answer. They didn’t need to know.
'Don’t we deserve to know?'
The voice had changed from a bone shuddering echo, to a heart-wrenching sob.
How could I know? I didn’t know how they felt, what they were thinking, what they knew. Maybe they were just screwing with me, trying to burrow into my thoughts and mess up my mind. I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I lifted my head, thinking maybe I could see the source of the voice talking to me. There was no one else in the room, only the dripping water and the bulb, and the shadows.
The shadows. They were moving. They were creeping in from all corners of the room, toward the ceiling and toward me. The bulb’s flickering was beginning to flash in short, quick bursts, giving the bulb the function of a strobe light. It was fighting, trying to remain on, in one last burst of life. The closer the shadows got to the bulb, the faster the bulb would flicker.
'Just answer. One word. It’s so simple.'
But it wasn’t! I cried out in frustration. It wasn’t that simple! Yes or no is anything but simple! No answer is simpler than yes or no. Yes and no is definite, certain. Yes and no makes things real. Yes and no makes people form opinions about you and your decisions. Nothing was simple. No one could prove anything, and it invalidates any opinions conceived against your behalf.
Nothing was simple. My reasoning wasn’t simple, my situation wasn’t simple, my thoughts weren’t simple. Nothing was simple.
'Yes or no, and you will be free.'
Yes or no wouldn’t free me. Nothing could free me. I was beyond freedom, unless…
The shadows inched their way closer to the bulb, to me. I began watching them. The closer they got, the clearer, the emptier my mind was becoming, the faster the bulb was flickering.
In one last final attempt to get me to speak, the voice rang out into the room, using only six words:
'I hope it was worth it.'
The bulb went out.