Status: Nothing like bringing one of these bad boys back.
Let the Flames Begin
Don't Stop Being my Best friend
"Carrie! Shut up. Geez!" Hayley wined as everyone laughed.
We were all sitting around my house in Franklin Tennessee just having a good time and a few beers. The bright beige walls really complimented her skin today. I don't know if it's just the lighting, or her personality, or maybe both, but she was beaming. I loved this, her, our friends surrounding us. It was how it was meant to be...only, I knew for myself as silly as this seemed, my life would be perfect if I had her to myself.
1 new message: Jer
Just tell her already carebare. the worst thing she's gonna do is tell you she only wants to be your friend and if that happens, than you will have an answer to your life long questions.
I couldn't wrap my mind around losing my best friend because I was in love with her. I just needed the answer. I needed closer, or a new beginning with her as my one and only. Granted, that's what she is to me right now.
"This headache though. It needs to hop off." Hayley mumbled covering her eyes.
"I have some medicine up in my room if you want some."
"That'd be great actually Carr. I've been fighting it since we got back from tour Thursday."
"C'mon. I'll get you some and some water."
Hayley nodded as we walked up the stairs she talked about how much fun she had on her last tour and how many amazing fans she met and everything. She loved what she did. She hated the road, but she loved seeing tons of amazing beautiful faces every single night. It was everything she lived for. She didn't live for someone, but for something. Something bigger than her or anyone else.
"Hey, thanks for helping with tour. I know it wasn't easy for you to up and leave this place." she said softly squeezing my upper arm. I felt the goosebumps rising.
"Trust me Hayles, I'd do anything for you. You say jump, I'll say how high."
"I'd never ask you to do anything, you know that."
It grew quiet as I rummaged through the cabinet trying to find which one would subside her headache.
"You're hiding something. You've been hiding something from me and honestly, it's tearing me apart inside. I can't do anything without thinking that somethings wrong with you. That's why I wanted you on tour with me..I wanted to make sure you were okay...I just.. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be who I am. You bring out the best in me.." her voice shook.. I didn't realize by hiding my secret I was only hurting the both of us..
"Hayley I --" I couldn't find the words to even describe what I wanted to say. It felt impossible "I don't know what to say. I mean. I know what I WANT to say it's just... I can't find the words to say it."
"Then just say it so I can stop stressing out. I just... i don't want you to end up not being my best friend anymore." she said sitting on the lid of the lid of the toilet.
"Hayley.. Look at me. Like really look at me. What do you see?"
"Fear. Exhaustion. Frustration. Sadness."
"Now...If I explain this to you, you have to promise no matter what, you'll always be my best friend."
"I promise."
"I love you."
"I lov--"
"No, Hayley. I love you. Like. The kind of love where you don't know what to do when the other's gone and if you're hurt I'm hurt. If they're happy, you're happy. The kind of love people die trying to find and I found it. I just. I know. It's weird and I probably look absolutely ridiculous but I'm tired of hiding it and I'm tired of hurting you and the secret of it taking a toll on you." I said as I sat on the ground against the tub, knees against my chest. "I'm just that pathetic loser that's in love with her best friend."
It was tense. Silent. Miserable. It was exactly what I was afraid of happening. She just sat there staring at the wall. It as like she was lost.
"You're nuts. insane. Theres no way anyone could love me. I'm unstable. I'm an emotional roller coaster and god damnit I can't even love myself."
"Just stop. None of that is true Okay. I just... I'm sick and tired of bottling it up and watching you be with people who treat you like shit, and I just have to sit there and resist the urge to kill them all when I know I could be ten times better than any of them. But you're not like me. You don't feel the way I do and for the past ten years I've somewhat grown to accept that fact Hayley.. Just please... Just don't stop being my best friend.." I got off the floor wiped the few stray tears from her face and walked back downstairs with the guys.
"Sooooo, how'd that go."
"Terribly. Any of you bright fuckers can cut my tongue out now. She probably hates me and I can't say I blame her. I mean.. I'm gay. She's straight. It's as different as night and day, but I just.. Keeping it from her was hurting us both worse than just saying it."
We were all sitting around my house in Franklin Tennessee just having a good time and a few beers. The bright beige walls really complimented her skin today. I don't know if it's just the lighting, or her personality, or maybe both, but she was beaming. I loved this, her, our friends surrounding us. It was how it was meant to be...only, I knew for myself as silly as this seemed, my life would be perfect if I had her to myself.
1 new message: Jer
Just tell her already carebare. the worst thing she's gonna do is tell you she only wants to be your friend and if that happens, than you will have an answer to your life long questions.
I couldn't wrap my mind around losing my best friend because I was in love with her. I just needed the answer. I needed closer, or a new beginning with her as my one and only. Granted, that's what she is to me right now.
"This headache though. It needs to hop off." Hayley mumbled covering her eyes.
"I have some medicine up in my room if you want some."
"That'd be great actually Carr. I've been fighting it since we got back from tour Thursday."
"C'mon. I'll get you some and some water."
Hayley nodded as we walked up the stairs she talked about how much fun she had on her last tour and how many amazing fans she met and everything. She loved what she did. She hated the road, but she loved seeing tons of amazing beautiful faces every single night. It was everything she lived for. She didn't live for someone, but for something. Something bigger than her or anyone else.
"Hey, thanks for helping with tour. I know it wasn't easy for you to up and leave this place." she said softly squeezing my upper arm. I felt the goosebumps rising.
"Trust me Hayles, I'd do anything for you. You say jump, I'll say how high."
"I'd never ask you to do anything, you know that."
It grew quiet as I rummaged through the cabinet trying to find which one would subside her headache.
"You're hiding something. You've been hiding something from me and honestly, it's tearing me apart inside. I can't do anything without thinking that somethings wrong with you. That's why I wanted you on tour with me..I wanted to make sure you were okay...I just.. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be who I am. You bring out the best in me.." her voice shook.. I didn't realize by hiding my secret I was only hurting the both of us..
"Hayley I --" I couldn't find the words to even describe what I wanted to say. It felt impossible "I don't know what to say. I mean. I know what I WANT to say it's just... I can't find the words to say it."
"Then just say it so I can stop stressing out. I just... i don't want you to end up not being my best friend anymore." she said sitting on the lid of the lid of the toilet.
"Hayley.. Look at me. Like really look at me. What do you see?"
"Fear. Exhaustion. Frustration. Sadness."
"Now...If I explain this to you, you have to promise no matter what, you'll always be my best friend."
"I promise."
"I love you."
"I lov--"
"No, Hayley. I love you. Like. The kind of love where you don't know what to do when the other's gone and if you're hurt I'm hurt. If they're happy, you're happy. The kind of love people die trying to find and I found it. I just. I know. It's weird and I probably look absolutely ridiculous but I'm tired of hiding it and I'm tired of hurting you and the secret of it taking a toll on you." I said as I sat on the ground against the tub, knees against my chest. "I'm just that pathetic loser that's in love with her best friend."
It was tense. Silent. Miserable. It was exactly what I was afraid of happening. She just sat there staring at the wall. It as like she was lost.
"You're nuts. insane. Theres no way anyone could love me. I'm unstable. I'm an emotional roller coaster and god damnit I can't even love myself."
"Just stop. None of that is true Okay. I just... I'm sick and tired of bottling it up and watching you be with people who treat you like shit, and I just have to sit there and resist the urge to kill them all when I know I could be ten times better than any of them. But you're not like me. You don't feel the way I do and for the past ten years I've somewhat grown to accept that fact Hayley.. Just please... Just don't stop being my best friend.." I got off the floor wiped the few stray tears from her face and walked back downstairs with the guys.
"Sooooo, how'd that go."
"Terribly. Any of you bright fuckers can cut my tongue out now. She probably hates me and I can't say I blame her. I mean.. I'm gay. She's straight. It's as different as night and day, but I just.. Keeping it from her was hurting us both worse than just saying it."