I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Frank’s had consistently impure thoughts since he met Gerard. He actually remembers the first time it happened.

He met Gerard through Pete, and he has hated Pete ever since it happened. Frank really could have done without the all-consuming crush on his roommate, thank you very much.

He was about to be evicted from his apartment, because he didn’t have enough money to pay for his rent. Pete was a friend he knew from his old job, working at a store that eventually went bankrupt and no longer exists anymore. Pete lived next door to a guy who needed a roommate, and he’d told Frank of the opening.

Then he met Gerard. It’s all pretty much downhill from there.

Frank even remembers the first thing he’d thought when he saw Gerard for the first time. He wasn’t nervous to be interviewed for the part of being a roommate, but that was only up until he saw who was going to interview him.

“You never told me the guy was drop-dead gorgeous,” Frank said.

“Is he? I never noticed,” Pete replied.

“You’re not being serious,” Frank said exasperatedly.

“No, I’m kidding. Obviously I noticed, but he’s not into that.”

“Guys?”

“Anyone. He really likes comic books. He might be interested if you were literally Batman, but you’re not, so forget about it,” Pete told him.

Frank didn’t listen. Of course he didn’t. How could he listen to that when his mind was too busy imagining Gerard naked.

He had hoped that maybe Gerard would pick a different roommate, because he’d said he had a few other applicants. He didn’t pick someone else though. Apparently he was really enticed by the fact that Frank had the same taste in music. Frank still curses himself for even mentioning anything.

He could’ve just said he didn’t want to live with Gerard though. He could have found an ad for someone else who needed a roommate, or waited for some other offer. He didn’t think things through though. Frank just figured that moving in with the attractive guy would be okay, and he’d get over the crush with a little time. How was he supposed to know that the hot guy was not only hot, but also a really fantastic human being? Why couldn’t Gerard have been a bitch? That would have made it so much easier to get over his crush. He wouldn’t be miserable today if Gerard had just been rude.

Of course, the world is never the way you want it to be though. It’s always going to screw you for the fun of it.

Unfortunately, Frank got sucked into Gerard’s gravitational pull, and he hasn’t been able to get out of it since. He tried to avoid the guy for a little while when he first moved into their now current apartment. Just because they were roommates didn’t mean they had to be inseparable, but Frank stuck to him like duct tape, and he has ever since.

He seems to have forgotten himself just being in love with his roommate, so most o him is afraid of what will happen on that inevitable day where he and Gerard go their separate ways. It has to happen someday. Gerard will get a new job in a new city, or he’ll decide he’s too old for a roommate. Maybe Gerard will get mad at him and kick him out. Maybe he’ll figure out about Frank’s crush, and he’ll be so disgusted that he’ll throw him to the curb. It has to happen someday.

The danger is that he really has forgotten himself. He’s still there, somewhere. He’s still got that person he used to be deep down, but he hasn’t seen that person in several years. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever bring that person back to the light of day, because he’s too busy fawning over Gerard to think about himself.

Frank’s always been the kind of guy to put other people first. People tell you that’s a good thing, but usually they’re not thinking about the dangers that it can bring. If you’re always putting other people first than that means you come second. It’s not selfish to say that everyone should try to put themselves first, that’s just common sense. You should always try to make sure you’re happy, because it’s you that you’re living for. You aren’t born to live a life for someone else, it’s your life for a reason, you control it. Some people don’t do a very good job, and some people are content in being selfless. Eventually though, something’s gotta give.

You have to give in to the fact that you only have one shot at life to get it right. Frank has been living his own life for Gerard for too many years, but he’s too comfortable in his own misery to branch out. He doesn’t know who he is without this crush on Gerard. He used to be the short guy who was funny, if a little neurotic. Now he’s the guy with a crush on Gerard Way. He’s not an independent variable, and that would be okay if Frank was a science experiment. He’s not though. He’s a person.

No person should ever be a dependent variable in their own life. Frank knows that his obsession with Gerard is a little unhealthy, but if Frank is characterized exclusively as dependent on another person, than who is he without that person?

If a male anglerfish is only alive when it’s with a female anglerfish, than what is it without the female anglerfish? The worst thing about it though is the fact that Frank is codependent on a person who is not codependent on him.

All these thoughts are converging on Frank while he looks up at the ceiling in his bedroom. He can hear the sound of the television in the other room. He can hear Pete laughing, and he can hear his own blood pumping in his ears. It’s a miserable pulse that’s drawing in a headache. His whole surroundings feel like the calm before a storm.

A crush isn’t supposed to ruin a person’s life though. It’s supposed to make you kind of wistful, and maybe a bit scattered, but it’s not supposed to make you hurt. It’s not supposed to make it feel like someone’s pinching your heart. He’s had a stabbing pain in his stomach the past five years, and there’s nothing he can do to make that pain go away. Frank doesn’t want to rely on other people to make him happy, but he fell down that rabbit hole a long time ago. Gerard is the one person who never fails to make him laugh and smile, but he’s also the only person who hurts him the most.

Gerard doesn’t know what he’s feeling. When he tried setting Frank up with people, it didn’t feel this way. He’d been excited that his friend might find someone who likes him. He was excited about the idea that maybe someone would like Frank the way Gerard likes him. Frank’s his best friend, all he ever wants is for the guy to be happy.

Why is Aaron different though? Aaron shouldn’t be any different than the other guys. It’s the fact that Frank found Aaron on his own though. Frank didn’t even need his help. He found Aaron all by himself.

That’s what bothers him. Gerard didn’t even have any impact on Frank finding someone. Frank has found a guy who he’s only known for a few days, and already he likes the guy. Gerard didn’t do anything to help him find Aaron, and that bothers him.

He doesn’t know why. He should just be happy that Frank’s happy, because that’s how you’re supposed to feel when something good happens to someone you like, but he isn’t. He’s not happy about it.

It baffles Gerard. Why does he care how Frank met Aaron? Would he like the guy any better if he’d been the one who introduced them? Probably not.

The thought dawns into Gerard’s mind that Frank might fall for Aaron. He might fall so hard for the guy. He might spend more time with him than he does Gerard, because he might be in love and if Frank’s in love with someone than Gerard will start to lose him.

He’ll start to lose his best friend, and he’s afraid of losing him. He doesn’t want to lose Frank, not even if Frank is happy. He wants Frank to always be there, which is an irrational thought without warrant, but it’s the way he feels. He wants Frank to always be there, wherever Gerard happens to go, he wants Frank there. He can’t fathom his life without Frank. It’s like he’s the only light in a dark room.

He’s having trouble grasping the fact that Frank might move on from this part of his life though. He might fall in love with Aaron, and leave Gerard behind.

“Gerard, are you okay?” Pete asks, looking worried about the fact that Gerard’s been staring at his own knees for about half an hour.

“What?” he asks, because he hadn’t realized he was lost in reverie.

“Are you okay,” Pete asks again.

“Yeah, you’re looking kind of grim,” Patrick notes.

“I don’t know,” Gerard shrugs, “I was just thinking about Frank.”

Patrick and Pete share a moment of complete confusion. They’re trying to confirm with each other that it was indeed Frank who had the giant crush, not the other way around. The look in Gerard’s eyes is all too familiar though.

“W-what about him?” Patrick stutters.

“Just that I don’t know what comes next,” he says, looking up, but still not looking at anything in particular. His eyes are out of focus like he’s sleepwalking, and not actually aware of his own words or movements.

“Well I assume he’s going to wake up and go to work tomorrow?” Pete suggests.

“No that’s not what I meant. Frank’s been on a few dates since I’ve known him. He’s never been on a second date though. Not with the same person.”

“So?” Patrick asks.

“Well, maybe he likes this Aaron guy. What does that mean?”

“That he likes him? I think the answer is in the question.”

“But I don’t know what that’ll mean. It’s a new chapter, and I’m not done with the last one. Frank... I guess he just reads faster than I do,” Gerard states.

“You don’t even know what this is going to mean for him,” Patrick says, “maybe it’ll be a fling, and they’ll only ever have two dates.”

“But maybe it’ll be more than that.”

“Don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.”

Gerard sighs and makes a moping face. Patrick and Pete try not to dwell on it, because his behavior is totally reversed all of a sudden. He’s acting like Frank, but he can’t like Frank. Surely he would have said something by now if he liked Frank.

Maybe Gerard and Frank are both having a fluke. Everyone is always saying that correlation does not imply causation. It could be a coincidence that Gerard is now all of a sudden worrying about losing Frank, at the same time that Frank might be getting over Gerard.

Then again, maybe it’s not a coincidence at all.