I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Mikey’s fingers drum against the counter meticulously for several minutes. He doesn’t seem to know what to do other than sit in the silence. The whole room is quiet, and he’s the only person there. Gerard finally clocked out an hour ago after a record amount of crying. He was not very good at communicating his emotions after he had that little revelation.

It feels like it takes days rather than an hour, but Mikey finally hears someone at the lock. Mikey lifts his head up, and crosses his fingers that Frank will be alone. He’s got half a mind to yell at Frank for ditching on the Friday tradition, which Gerard is religiously in tuned to. He decides against that though, he’ll just get right down to business.

“Hey Frank,” Mikey says, when he steps into the apartment.

“Uh, hi Mikey?” Frank says, and looks around, “Strange to find my roommates brother in my apartment, but no roommate.”

“What? Oh, I threw his body in the ocean, but that’s not important right now.”

“What is important then?”

“Well, that’s weird, actually. It’s Gerard. We need to talk about Gerard.”

“Is this like the ‘We Need to Talk About Kevin’ thing, because I’ve really never seen Gerard as a murderer. He just doesn’t have that kind of personality,” Frank says, throwing his jacket off and onto a hanger, before he turns and walks into the kitchen. Mikey’s standing on the other side of the counter watching Frank a little too intently.

“I heard you have a boyfriend,” Mikey says, getting right into things.

“Uh, yeah?” Frank replies, “But I don’t see what this has to do with-”

“But last I checked you were in love with my brother. Now you have a boyfriend, who is not my brother, and that kind of contradicts the whole being in love with Gerard thing,” Mikey’s voice is quiet. Quiet enough that, if by some happenstance, Gerard is awake in the other room, he won’t be able to hear.

Frank frowns, “I guess, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“Well I just want to know where you stand now. Do you still love him, or what? What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of at a crossroads. I think I’m starting to get over Gerard,” Frank says, smiling. It’s been a long time coming. He has spent way too long being in love with Gerard, and he’s finally getting past that. He just might be falling in love with someone else.

“Okay, so you don’t like Gerard?” Mikey asks, nervously. Usually he’d be really happy to hear that come out of Frank’s mouth, but the circumstances have changed. This is all really bad timing. If Gerard had only figured out his emotions out a month ago, things wouldn’t be so messy and uncomfortable.

“I just gave you my answer, what more do you want?”

“Percentages. I work best with numbers on the table,” Mikey says.

“God, I don’t even understand you,” Frank shakes his head and grabs himself a glass of water. “Okay so, if I had to tell you how in love with Gerard I am, I’d say it’s like, an even 50/50.”

“And how in love with your boyfriend are you?”

“You have no respect for people’s privacy do you, Mikey?” Frank asks.

“Not particularly.”

“Okay, fine, I mean, I guess I’m not in love with Aaron at all right now. I’m in like with him, if you want to use an annoying term to describe it, but it’s nothing more than that yet. I think the potential for me to be in love with him is really high though,” Frank says.

Mikey doesn’t know if his face shows the disappointment, but Frank probably wouldn’t detect it even if he did. The difference it would make in Mikey’s face is so negligible, it need not be factored at all.

“So if my brother were to suddenly burst out of his room and ask you out, would you say yes?” Mikey inquires.

“Well that’s a hell of a ‘what if.’ It’s not going to happen, we both know that. I don’t want to play the what if game,” Frank shakes his head, and leans up against the counter.

Mikey groans, because he wants to be able to say that it’s a lot less unlikely than it was a day ago.

“But, I mean, it’s just a hypothetical question! There’s no repercussions or anything!”

“Mikey, we both know that Gerard doesn’t love me,” Frank says. Mikey looks down at the ground so that he can roll his eyes at Frank’s statement.

Frank continues, “We both know that he could never love me, and it’s not unlikely that he’ll never love anyone. I’ve spent five fucking years trying to come to terms with that. Five years is a long time, too long, to let someone drive you around, but he has. He really has. I love Gerard, still do, quite a bit, but it’s never going to be more than one sided. That sucks, but I’ve had to live with that knowledge a long time. Gerard does not love me, and I’m finally starting to push past that. I’m finally starting to carve my own path, and get away from his hold on me. You should be proud of that progress in me, Mikey. I’m really trying my hardest, and it’s really paying off.”

“But...” Mikey starts, but there’s really nothing he can say. He can’t say anything because then he’ll accidentally tell Frank that Gerard passed out an hour ago when his brain overloaded from all his bottled up love for Frank. Mikey can’t say anything to contradict Frank, because then he’ll either seem like a jackass, or he’ll give everything away.

Frank can’t move on from Gerard though. Now Gerard’s got the love bug, and it doesn’t help the situation that it’s transferred. That’s not fair to anyone. All it does is shake up the problem.

“How do you know Aaron is the guy that’ll get you past your feelings for Gerard?”

“I don’t know that at all,” Frank shrugged, “but that doesn’t matter. I don’t even know if he’ll do that. I don’t know how much of the load he’ll take off my back, but he’s a good start. If things don’t work out with him, than I’ve got this part of me that knows I’m strong. I know I’m strong enough to get past this, so if it all goes to hell, at least I’m already half way out of the shadow that’s been holding me back.”

“Well... do you think that maybe Gerard deserves to know?” Mikey asks. He’s going to swing this anyway he possibly can. Gerard’s too afraid to confront Frank about his feelings, that became clear two hours ago when he started balling his eyes out, but Frank’s a different story. At the moment, Frank’s emotions are more intact than Gerard’s. That’s the first time that’s happened in five years. This is a million times rarer than a blue moon.

Mikey might be able to convince Frank to open up to Gerard. It’s not likely, because he’s spent five years compiling all this pent up affection, but he’s a little more stable now. Frank’s got one foot out the door, and Mikey seems to be the only one now intent on making sure he doesn’t get the other foot out too. If he does, Gerard will be in the exact position Frank’s running from. He needs to make sure Frank doesn’t get over that fence, and instead falls flat on his face in the grass on the side he started on.

“Why would I tell Gerard?” Frank asks.

“Because he’s your best friend, and you’ve been keeping this secret from him for five years,” Mikey scrambles.

“It’s because he’s my best friend that I can’t tell him. That would make things uncomfortable,” Frank tells him. “You never tell a guy you like him. It makes you look like an idiot!”

Mikey opens his mouth to say something, but Frank interrupts him, “Listen, it’s nearly midnight, I’m tired, Gerard’s probably asleep, and you don’t live here.”

“Is that your way of telling me to leave?” Mikey asks.

“No,” Frank says, and he steps towards the door, pulls it open and then gestures for Mikey to move, “this is.”

“You’re so rude,” Mikey says, and walks towards the door, “This conversation isn’t over.”

“Actually it is,” Frank says, “and if you ever try to bring it up again, I’ll castrate you.”

“That provided a fairly disconcerting visual,” Mikey says, making a face.

“It was meant to,” Frank says. Frank feels like it takes a century to get him to leave, but finally he closes the door behind Mikey.

Frank makes his way over to his room, grabbing his forehead by the temples, and trying to cast away the uncertainties. He’s in love with Gerard, sure, but it’s not that bad. He likes Aaron too. Aaron is nice. Aaron is safe. Frank really needs safe right about now.

Frank undresses in a haze, and he’s almost not aware what’s happening until he hits the mattress.

His brain won’t shut up though. Now all he can do is worry about how he still likes Gerard. It’s only been a month. He tries to ease himself with the knowledge that it hasn’t been long enough. He hasn’t noticed the difference yet, because it’s not made a huge effect on him. He’s still in love with Gerard, but that doesn’t mean he will be forever.

Frank hits his head against the pillow, and tells himself to stop thinking about the man on the other side of the wall.

Except the walls are thin, and Gerard’s not asleep. Blush rises to Frank’s face so quickly, that it feels like his face was set on fire. He grabs his pillow and tries to drown out the noise, but it’s hard.

Frank has dreamed about those noises so much in his life. He’s dreamed about being the one to get Gerard to make them. He’s dreamed of rolling around in Gerard’s sheets, smelling him on them, and the contentment that that would bring him is unimaginable.

Frank’s eyes clasp together, as he starts to realize what his brain is doing to him. He tries to send the thoughts away with anything. He pictures dead puppies, The Blaire Witch, and boobs, but to no avail. He’s not fooling anyone, especially himself. Frank looks down at his lower half, because this is really unfortunate timing. He’s just tried to convince Mikey that he was falling out of love, and now he’s taking a million steps back.

He frowns, and then drags himself slowly out of bed. This is a routine he’s grown accustomed to over the years. Frank can’t exactly ‘take care of business’ with the walls so thin. Gerard’s probably not even aware of how thin they are, because Frank is careful. He pulls himself out of his bed, slowly creeps out of his room and over to the bathroom. He then turns the shower on, and it blocks out the noise. Sometimes he just takes a shower, but usually it’s for noise cancellation purposes. The few times Gerard’s ever asked about it, he’d just explained that he thought he saw a spider, and had to shower to make the sensation of bugs crawling over him go away.

Maybe he’s not as over Gerard as he’d liked to think.