I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

“So how’s the obsessive unrequited crush on my brother going?” Mikey asks.

“Oh, you know. Pretty good. I should be having an existential crisis any day now,” Frank replies, and then sneezes.

“Yuck, you’re sick,” Mikey replies.

“Your face is sick.”

“I know you meant that as an insult, but isn’t sick what the kids these days call ‘cool’ in slang?”

“Go away,” Frank says, throwing a tissue at him. Mikey makes a face, but the tissue is flimsy so it doesn’t make it that far.

“I shan’t go away, I’m visiting my brother,” Mikey says, “you know him, he’s the guy you’re in love with.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know who you’re referring to,” Frank says. Gerard went down stairs to get the mail, at which point Mikey then promptly made fun of Frank’s undying love for an idiot who might as well have horse blinders.

“Frank!” Gerard says as he slams the door.

“What?” Frank asks looking up at him.

“Mail.”

“Well I would assume so, didn’t you just go out to get it?”

Gerard rolls his eyes, “alright smartass.”

“Did I get anything exciting?”

“A coupon for K-mart,” Gerard says, “a bill, seventeen magazine-”

“I am not subscribed to that!” Frank says.

“No, Pete and I got it for you,” Mikey says, “I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Why on earth would I want a magazine meant for teenage girls?” Frank asks, looking at him expectantly.

“Has tips on getting yourself a boyfriend,” Mikey says, “which you are in dire need of.”

“I am single, and I like it!” Frank says, but obviously he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to be taken though unless it’s Gerard. Frank’s life is a sad continuing story of a lonely boy who wants nothing more than his best friend. It’s quite depressing actually. There’s a whole genre of music devoted to his yearning. It’s called Taylor Swift’s breakup playlist.

“You do need a boyfriend, Frank,” Gerard says, shuffling through the rest of the stack and sorting his mail from Frank’s. Frank blushes, and tries to play it off as a cough a moment later, but Mikey gives him this slanted look.

“I’m perfectly fine,” Frank says, “I don’t need someone else in my life to be complete. I am a strong individual.”

“Who don’t need no man,” Mikey says teasingly.

Frank frowns, “you’re mean.”

“I’m not saying you need someone to be complete, I’m saying it would make you happy,” Gerard shrugs, finally throwing the mail on the counter dejectedly. He walks over to the couch, and realizes there’s no space left for him, because Mikey’s put his feet up.

“Budge over, would you,” Gerard says.

“Why?”

“Because it’s my apartment,” Gerard replies.

“It’s Frank’s apartment too,” Mikey shrugs.

“You’re right. Frank, would you tell Mikey to move over?” Gerard asks, looking at him, and there’s no way in hell he could ever say no to those eyes.

“Kay,” Frank says, rather dreamily, making Mikey nearly gag, “Move over, Mikey.”

“Sometimes I feel like the whole world is against me,” Mikey says melodramatically. He scoots down anyway, and Gerard sits down between them, pulling his foot up next to him. Frank can’t help but look at his roommate, and wish he could grab the guy and kiss him. He wants that more than just about anything.

The TV is almost always on in the apartment. Not because anyone ever actually watches it, but because it would be too quiet without the background noise. It’s just a permanent thing from between the hours of eight in the morning to midnight.

For reasons unknown to anyone, there’s always someone in their apartment who doesn’t live there. Frank will wake up and there’s almost always someone there. Whether that’s Mikey, Pete, Patrick, or a series of other friends that come in and out, there’s just always someone there. It’s a hub, like a train station, or a coffee shop. It’s weird. It means that they spend far more than they really should on potato chips.

“I think you could do with a boyfriend though, Frank,” Gerard says offhandedly, as he tries to look through one of the letters they got.

“Yeah, Frank. Listen to Gerard.”

“Why should I? Gerard isn’t expected to date anyone, why should I?”

“Because I don’t really want someone, but you totally do, Frank. You’re a hopeless romantic,” Gerard says.

“I am not a hopeless romantic!”

“I know you watched Letters to Juliet at 3 in the morning last night, Frank. You can’t hide from me,” Gerard shakes his head.

“Dude, that’s sad,” Mikey says.

“I did not! How... why do you... I didn’t!” Frank splutters.

“Oh really?” Gerard says skeptically, “so if I were to grab your laptop and opened the disc drive, I wouldn’t find the DVD in there?”

“I would rather you didn’t touch my computer, thank you very much,” Frank says, turning red again. He sneezes, and it makes his eyes a little disoriented for a moment, but when he comes to, he sees Gerard looking gorgeous in front of him. He just sees Gerard actually, but there’s nothing Gerard can do that Frank won’t find gorgeous.

“Why do you even own that movie?” Mikey asks.

“It was on sale at Walmart!” Frank says.

“But you’d have saved even more money if you hadn’t bought it at all,” Mikey retorts.

“I’m not going to have a debate with you on what I choose and choose not to buy. Besides, who are you to regulate my purchases, because I’m pretty sure you have eaten half of the things I’ve bought for five years,” Frank says.

“Well if you don’t want me to eat your food, than you should put a lock on the cabinets,” Mikey says.

“That wouldn’t work for me, because when I wake up in the middle of the night to have a grilled cheese, I’m not capable of unlocking shit,” Gerard says.

“Who makes grilled cheese in the middle of the night?”

Frank sighs, “You don’t know your brother as well as I do, I guess. He’s burned his thumb like six times because he tries to do it without turning the lights on!”

“That’s one of the many reasons why it’s best that Gerard does not have a love interest,” Mikey says, playing it off as a joke, but Frank knows he’s trying to take a slight dig at him. It’s not that Mikey particularly cares one way or another whether Frank is in love with his brother or not, but he loves to make fun of Frank for it. Mikey probably couldn’t care less though.

“I could get a boyfriend anytime I want,” Frank says, “I just choose not to.”

“Maybe I could try to find someone for you,” Gerard suggests.

“Oh god, not another one of your setups,” Frank says. Truthfully, Gerard is the sweetest human in the world and usually finds people Frank would like anyway, but it makes him sick to his stomach. It makes him sick knowing that Gerard honestly and truly doesn’t see him as anything but a friend. Why else would he set the guy up? Frank despises it more than anything, because he doesn’t want to be setup with Gerard’s friend or coworker. He wants to someday walk into a blind date that was made for him, and find Gerard waiting there.

“Why not?” Gerard groans, “You’re not the kind of guy who wants to be a bachelor for the rest of his life! Just, like, please?”

Frank mumbles something, and looks anywhere but at Gerard, because if he looks too hard at him he’d agree to anything. He’d agree to burn down a city or commit a murder if he looked at Gerard for longer than he has to. He’s like the sun. You can’t quite look directly at him, because he’ll blind you. Not with brightness, though he has the brightest smile in the world, but with sheer beauty.

Saying that Frank’s got it bad is the understatement of the century.

“I,” Frank starts, “no. not now.”

“What are you waiting for?” Mikey asks, and there’s a double layer to that question that Gerard also doesn’t see. Mikey is asking him, rather inconspicuously, when he’s going to give up on Gerard. Frank knows he’ll have to, he’s known for four and a half years, but still, he doesn’t learn his lesson. No one will ever be good enough for him if it’s not Gerard.

“I just can’t,” Frank says, and the words go straight over Gerard’s head. Really, he’s an enormous idiot when it comes to Frank’s affection.

“You’re going to have to accept the nature of the world as it is someday, Frank,” Mikey sighs.

“I’m not there yet though,” Frank replies, “and I don’t want to be setup with anyone.”

“But what if he’s cute?” Gerard asks.

“Polar bears are cute. Teddy bears are cute. Babies are cute! I’ll get by with google images to suit my cute quota.”

“You’re hopeless in so many ways,” Mikey rolls his eyes.

“Well he’s a true romantic,” Gerard says, “He’s probably waiting to step into a chick flick rather than go out there and achieve it himself. He’s waiting for some random guy on the street to save his life, and then they go out for coffee, and fall in love with each other.”

“Ew. That’s horribly cliché.”

Gerard rolls his eyes, “That’s the point, Frank’s watched every rom com under the sun. He wants that for himself.”

Frank grimaces, because that’s not true. He wants a When Harry Met Sally sort of relationship. He wants to fall in love with his best friend. That’s not technically true, he’s already there, but he wants Gerard to fall in love with his best friend. He wants to pull a Ross and Rachel. Frank would end up being Ross, which isn’t exactly ideal in his opinion. He’s been in love with Gerard’s Rachel for what feels like forever.

“He’s waiting for his prince to come,” Gerard jokes.

Frank wants to cry at the feeling in his stomach. This feeling of want and emptiness, like he hasn’t eaten in six years, but what he’s craving is to be with Gerard. It hurts, and it’s actually quite painful loving Gerard. It makes him want to cry every other day, but he keeps telling himself that one day he’ll be able to get over it. He’ll cross that bridge, and he’ll leave Gerard on the other side of the river. The river is ferocious though, and every time he tries, he just falls in and has to start all over.

“Maybe my prince already has come, but he doesn’t see the crown on his head,” Frank thinks to himself.