I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Frank had mostly just decided to walk around his apartment building a few times in hopes that by the time he got back, it’d be empty. In all honesty he’s not very hungry because he ate a bunch of potato chips before Patrick came over. He’s just not in the most sociable mood. By the time he makes his way back to the apartment, he just wants to sit in the living room and watch whatever the hell is on the TV.

When he enters the apartment he sees Gerard leaning over the counter biting his lip. He looks up when Frank enters, and he smiles which is slightly off-character. Frank doesn’t say anything about it though, because Gerard’s smile could light up the world. It’s a pretty strong energy source as well. Gerard’s smile is what gives Frank life.

“Hi Frank,” Gerard says, and he walks around the counter to stand in the kitchen. Frank is trying to figure out what he needs in the kitchen that he didn’t need a minute ago when Frank wasn’t there.

“Hey?” Frank asks.

“We need to talk,” Gerard says. Those are universally treacherous words. Luckily though, Frank’s not dating Gerard so he isn’t about to ask for them to breakup. Frank’s come to the conclusion that no cinematic conversation that begins with ‘we need to talk’ can end with all parties being in a relationship.

“About what?” Frank asks.

“Us.”

“That’s rather broad,” Frank says. He opens the refrigerator for something to do. He looks at the empty shelves for a few seconds before he closes it again. He then looks back at Gerard who’s closer to him than he had been a minute ago.

“Uh,” Frank says. He’d have thought that nine days might provide him with some sort of immunity to the way he’s in love with Gerard’s mouth, but all of a sudden he feels himself regress into being a horny teenager. Gerard’s mouth is like a foot away from his own, and it’s driving him crazy.

“Frank,” Gerard says simply and then he’s closer, which is quite possibly the closest Frank can ever remember Gerard being ever. He’s sure they’ve probably been closer than this, after all he’s fallen asleep on the guys shoulder, but right now he’s having trouble remembering.

“G-Gerard, why are you so close?” Frank asks.

“Felt like it,” Gerard says. He can feel Frank’s breath because he’s so close. Subtlety is for morons honestly. Gerard just wants to kiss the guy already.

“You felt like getting really close and popping my personal bubble?”

“How old are you that you still use the term ‘personal bubble’?” Gerard asks.

“I don’t remember,” Frank squeaks, because Gerard really is obscenely close. He can smell Gerard’s breath even, and he’s really intoxicated by it.

Frank’s stubby fingernails dig into the counter behind him as he’s backed up so far that he’s practically sitting on it.

“Don’t remember how old you are?” Gerard asks, and Frank literally whimpers. Gerard is bigger than him, and he’s painfully attractive. He’s also really close so that Frank is seeing everything in high definition, and fuck does Gerard look good in HD.

Frank can’t even form a sentence so he just gets the one word he’s looking for, “What...”

“Don’t question it.”

“This isn’t real,” Frank says, “this isn’t happening.”

“Frankie,” Gerard sighs, brushing a hair out of Frank’s face.

“Gerard, this isn’t real,” Frank insists.

“Frank, I’m real,” Gerard tells him, “I promise.”

“No. No you’re n-not,” Frank stutters when Gerard takes another step even closer, so that he’s only inches away from his face. He’s so close that Frank can feel Gerard’s breath lightly falling over him. He can see the glimmer in Gerard’s eyes, and the smallest flaws on his face. Frank can hear his own heart, and hopes Gerard can’t hear it also, but it’s so loud that he’s sure everyone in the city can.

Frank’s eyes dart downward so that he’s not looking at Gerard. He can’t look at him right now, not when he’s this close. If he does look too hard than surely he’ll melt into the floorboards. Gerard has a way of seeing straight into him, right down into his soul.

“Why won’t you look at me, Frankie?” Gerard asks, putting a hand under Frank’s chin gently.

“C-can’t.”

“Of course you can, Frankie. Please? Just look at me,” Gerard asks softly.

“Gerard? I don’t know what you’re...” Frank drifts off, and then allows Gerard to pull his head up.

The way that their faces are so close, the way that he’s looking directly into Frank’s eyes, is making his whole face heat up. He feels uncomfortable looking so close to Gerard, but at the same time, he wants it so much. For so long he’s wanted Gerard to look at him like that and now that he is, it’s making him question his very existence. Why is he looking at Frank like that?

“Frankie,” Gerard whispers, eyes soft and warm in comparison to the fear of Frank’s, “you look so beautiful, Frank. I wish I could tell you how pretty you are.”

“Gerard,” Frank tries to shake his head, but he loses all motor control when Gerard’s other hand places itself on the side of his neck. Frank’s hands fist together, and his nails dig into his palms, as he tries to stop the inevitability of losing himself.

“You really are so gorgeous,” Gerard tells him.

“Why are you-”

“Shh,” Gerard says quietly, and his thumb ghosts over Frank’s bottom lip. Frank’s eyes fall closed gently at the movement, and when he opens them again, Gerard’s nose is nudging against his own.

For a second as long as a lifetime, a millennium, and a life age of the earth, Frank knows nothing. He forgets his own name, and he forgets about the consequences, because all he knows is Gerard’s face so close to his.

Then it’s happening. Frank’s most persistent, life-ruining dream. It’s happening. It’s no dream though, and he realizes that. He doesn’t believe it, but this is all happening, and he doesn’t believe that it can be.

In Frank’s wildest fantasies he’d never expected Gerard’s lips to be so soft. He’d never expected to actually find out either. He thought it would always be a painful yearning, but it’s not anymore. Frank is actually kissing Gerard. Well, mostly Gerard is kissing Frank. Frank is having a hard time figuring out that this is actually happening, and he’s trying not to just faint right here and now. Gerard’s hand on his neck feels way too warm and fills him with so much bliss. His head is buzzing out of control and just leaving a shell of him behind.

Frank’s clenched fingers loosen up as soon as the feeling of Gerard kissing him washes over him. He’s still in disbelief, but he can’t quite help but feel a surge in his chest over the fact that this is real. This is Gerard.

Instinctively, Frank reaches up and grabs the sides of Gerard’s face. He grabs at Gerard’s hair, the way he’s always wanted to. He’s unable to process the silkiness of the soft black hair, and he’s trying to keep himself from tugging on it, but it’s too hard. He’s pulling Gerard closer, powerless to stop himself.

Gerard is almost bewildered that he really is kissing Frank. His best friend, the guy he’s lived with for five years, he’s kissing him. He’s kissing Frank. Frank is kissing him back at this point, hungrily, and Gerard’s not in a position to complain.

Frank only really has anything to say about it when he feels Gerard biting at his lower lip. It’s turning heated quickly, and Gerard’s asking for entry into his mouth.

“Gerard?” he asks, loosening his hold on Gerard’s hair.

“Wha-what?” Gerard questions, trying to stop Frank from ending the kiss.

“Why now?” Frank asks.

“What?”

“Why now?” Frank repeats.

Gerard sighs unhappily, and pulls himself away from Frank, but he keeps his forehead resting on Frank’s, “why what?”

“Five years, and now you notice me?”

“I’ve loved you for years, Frank. Just took me a little while to realize it,” he says.

“But-”

“Frankie,” he whispers.

“Fuck it,” Frank says, giving up, and grabbing Gerard. He takes the back of Gerard’s head in his hand furiously, and he doesn’t let him go. Frank has wanted to kiss this boy for years, and that brief intermission took too long as it was. He’ll worry about that this all means some other time. Gerard doesn’t stop it, because, honestly, he doesn’t want to.

“I love you so much, Frank,” Gerard says desperately, as Frank gets more confident in the kiss.

It’s really not very sweet or innocent anymore. There’s a tongue in Frank’s mouth that is not his own, and Gerard’s got his hand on his hip, rucking up Frank’s shirt.

“Frank, fuck,” Gerard whines, as Frank claws at his back, trying to feel more of him. He’s wanted this for so long that he just can’t believe it’s happening. He’s never been closer to Gerard, literally, and he’s never been so close to having him.

“God, Gerard. I love you too,” Frank says, as Gerard pushes him backwards against the kitchen counter and starts attacking his neck. “So much.”

Gerard doesn’t reply, he just kisses all down Frank’s neck relentlessly, trying to make Frank swear as much as he possibly can. He’s never realized how much he loves the sound of Frank’s voice, but right now it’s everything Gerard loves in the world. Frank’s voice is a lot more guttural than usual, and he’s not in control of it.

Frank’s got one hand on the counter behind him, propping himself up, and the other on the side of Gerard’s head. If he doesn’t support himself with that hand his knees will surely buckle underneath him. Frank’s trying not to get too caught up on the reality of the situation, because he’s trying to keep himself in the moment. Gerard’s mouth returns to his, and he doesn’t want it anywhere else right now. He wants to just kiss the man he’s dreamt about every night for way too long.

It isn’t really until Gerard’s got his hand at Frank’s zipper that he realizes what’s happening. He’s got Gerard at his neck again, with his hands on his crotch and all the blood is heading south, but that’s when he remembers Aaron.

“Gerard,” Frank says, voice suddenly full of panic, “Gerard, we have to stop.”

“Frank,” Gerard mutters into his neck, and Frank forgets what was wrong for another second before he snaps himself out of it.

“Gerard!” he says more forcefully and tries to push him off, “Stop!”

Gerard doesn’t understand what’s going on for a few moments, but when Frank pushes him away, he halts. His eyebrows furrow together to look at Frank quizzically, and he takes a step back.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Gerard, I have a boyfriend,” Frank says, “and I’m cheating on him. I’m not a cheater, Gerard.”

“But Frank,” Gerard says, completely bewildered that that’s why Frank made them stop. He’s worried about Aaron? Seriously? When Gerard just confessed he loves Frank, and the guy is worried about someone else?

“I’m not a cheater, Gerard!” Frank says, fixing his pants, but he’s still got a little problem down there, and it’s distracting Gerard.

“So breakup with him,” Gerard says.

Frank looks offended by Gerard’s complete apathy, and says, “But I like him.”

“You just told me you love me,” Gerard says.

“I like Aaron a lot too, Gerard. You waited five years to make a move. Do you think I can just overlook that, because now you want something more? It took Aaron all of a day,” Frank refutes angrily.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gerard replies, and he feels his blood start to boil, because how could Frank be so stupid?

Frank doesn’t see it as stupidity. He literally waited half a decade for Gerard, and when he’d finally started to move on, Gerard’s now all of a sudden interested. That’s not really something he can just be okay with.

“I’m telling you I like you now though,” Gerard tells him, like that’s not plainly obvious.

“Yeah. Now. Now is not five years ago when the confession would have been welcome. I can’t excuse that you’ve ignored me for that long just because you’ve changed your mind now,” Frank replies.

“I’m not sure I understand what’s happening. I love you, and you love me back. What am I missing? So what if I missed a few years, I want you now. It’s not about those years we missed, there were a whole hell of a lot more before we even met to account for, but I’m willing to put those aside. I love you now, and that’s what matters. We’re in the present, not the past, and I love you presently,” Gerard explains.

“Why are you being so defensive? It’s not like I owe you anything,” Frank asks.

“I didn’t say you-” Gerard stops himself, feeling pissed off, “you’re not being serious are you? You’ve been crushing on me for what, like since we moved in together? I’m here, Frank. I’m offering this up, offering up the option of a relationship, but now you’re all about Aaron?”

“You’re mad at me? Me? For being the good person? I don’t want to cheat, Gerard! I don’t want to be that guy,” Frank says.

“Yeah, and I get that, but it’s not like you’re attached to Aaron or something. You can just breakup with him, and be with me.”

“You’re making this all about you, Gerard. I’ve got some fucking say in it too, considering it’s my life. Everything has to halt for you though. You tell me you’re in love with me, and I’m expected to just drop everything and be with you, because you say so?” Frank questions.

“You’re making me seem like the bad guy here,” Gerard states. “What did I do? I thought you’d be happy! Like, we can be together now! You don’t even like Aaron as much as you like me, so why would you even consider him?”

“Well for starters, I really don’t like you right now. Honestly, you’re coming across as a real justifiable douchebag, and it’s really putting me off.”

“How is this happening? How is this fucking happening?” Gerard yells, “I literally thought that this would be a no-brainer. You said you love me, I heard you say it just now. To my fucking face you said it, and now what? You don’t? You don’t just because of stupid fucking Aaron?”

“I do love you, Gerard, but I just thought that... well maybe loving you was more about loving the idea of you. If this is who you actually are I’m not so fond of you anymore. You’re arrogant! You’re rude. You’re disregarding my feelings because you’re so stubborn!” Frank shouts back at him.

“Well yeah, because you don’t love Aaron. I’m not being arrogant, I’m being logical. You don’t love Aaron. You do love me. I love you back. What pieces am I even missing here? I’m not an idiot, there’s a logical conclusion to draw from that.”

Frank huffs and tries to get across how stupid Gerard sounds right now, “do you even hear yourself? You’re assuming everything based on something so fragile as love, and right now, I even told you, you’re just pissing me off.”

“You love me though,” Gerard says, repeating his same argument so much that Frank’s inclined to punch his teeth out to get him to stop, “you said you love me. All you need to do is breakup with Aaron, and then we can be together.”

“But what if I don’t want to breakup with Aaron?” Frank snaps.

“What?”

“What if I don’t want to breakup with him?” Frank repeats.

“Well then what about me?” Gerard asks.

“What about you?”

Gerard is dumbfounded that he’s even having this conversation, “You don’t want to be a cheater, but you don’t want to breakup with Aaron. That makes me just... like this other guy.”

“Exactly,” Frank responds coldly.

“But you... but we? What about you and me?” Gerard asks, feeling like someone just slapped him in the face. Actually that would be much more preferable than what’s going on right now.

“I’ve got a boyfriend, Gerard,” Frank says, “and he’s not you.”

Frank turns to go walk over to his room, leaving Gerard stunned into silence standing in the kitchen.

“Frank!” He calls after, trying to sound lighthearted, because he’s still hoping that Frank is just joking.

“I’m going to bed,” Frank says.

“Frank?” Gerard asks again, and he feels like he’s literally never been so agitated over a situation before. This is quite literally the most painful feeling he’s ever felt, but right now it still feels like he’s numb. It hasn’t quite sunk in yet, but the fear of what’s to come has already started to intensify. This amount of pain can’t be possible, he’s sure of that. This can’t be real. Being this hurt is so farfetched it must be science fiction.

The door closes, and Gerard’s left standing there, trying to figure out how this all just happened. He’s trying to run it through his mind and figure out where he messed up, but he can’t pinpoint when it happened.

It was all working out so well. He’d kissed Frank, gotten to tell Frank that he loves him, and heard it in return. He’d nearly gotten into the guys pants, but then everything just crashed and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know what could possibly have ruined that moment, but now he’s standing in the kitchen and Frank’s not there with him.

He’s trying to figure out what Aaron has that Gerard doesn’t. Why does Frank want Aaron more than him? What makes him so much more special than Gerard? Gerard’s been there for Frank for so long, and Aaron’s given him a few weeks. Aaron is a dot on Frank’s map, while Gerard is ten times more.

How on earth did he manage to mess this up? He’s loved Frank for essentially five years, and Frank’s loved him back, and he screwed this up. This should’ve been the easy part. There shouldn’t have been any convincing needed. It should’ve just been obvious that Frank would dump Aaron, so how did Gerard mess that up?

How is any of what just happened real? Gerard can’t find the answer, but it’s the reality of that question that’s making him hurt as much as he does right now.