I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Frank’s eyes feel heavy and gross when he wakes up. His eyelids are kind of sticky and unpleasant, so he recalls crying last night. Yesterday was really weird.

Five years of dreaming about something and then it finally happened and he turned it down. He literally turned down what he’d been looking and hoping to have for over 1800 days, including a leap year, and when it finally happened he fucking chickened out. He pulled away because of Aaron. Aaron for god’s sake! Why would he be that stupid? Then Gerard was being a brat, and then Frank tried to forget he turned him away in the first place, and then Gerard was being perfect, and Frank became the brat.

Frank pulls himself up into a sitting position in his bed and looks around his room. The blinds never completely cover the window, because they’re old and not the right size. They allow the sunlight in and do very little to hide him away in his room. By the degree of light leaking through he’d estimate that it’s sometime around noon.

Frank looks around his sheets covering him and he sees that there’s a small indent where someone else was. It’s not very distinct, but it’s there enough for Frank to notice it. So Gerard’s not here then.

A lot of last night’s kind of fuzzy, because Frank was doing a lot of crying, and he was just basically petrified for most of it. There was a point sometime around two in the morning where he woke up for a few minutes and saw Gerard sleeping there. It didn’t really sink in what he was seeing, but he remembers it now. Frank doesn’t know if Gerard was there all night and left when he woke up, or if he went away sometime in the middle. He also doesn’t know which of those possibilities he prefers.

Frank’s body collapses over the spot Gerard was last night, and he groans. It smells like his stupidly flowery shampoo, and Frank hates that. He loves it mostly, but he hates that he loves it. It makes him sad, because Gerard’s not there anymore.

Being early in the morning makes his brain so much more vulnerable to Gerard’s charm. He doesn’t know how long Gerard will give him to make his decision before he moves on. Frank doesn’t want to prolong it for a long time though. He wants to either shatter the idea of him and Gerard together, or just fucking get together already.

He doesn’t know which would be better in the long run. That’s the biggest problem. The immediate reaction to which he should choose is that Gerard will definitely make him happier at first. That’s not a question. He definitely will mean more for a while, but what happens after that? What happens after the null of the honeymoon phase? In the end, Aaron is the responsible choice. He’s got the manners, the charm, the elegance, the money, and he doesn’t need to take years to figure out his feelings for Frank.

“I’m motherfucking Bridget Jones,” Frank mumbles to himself. Except in that movie Hugh Grant was a dick, so it was kind of obvious which one to choose. Frank’s choosing between two people one of whom is perfect, and the other is also perfect, but has a tendency to talk too much about comic books.

Frank sighs and pulls himself out of bed. He doesn’t really want to, but if he stays there any longer then he won’t get up all day.

His body is still fuzzy and craves the warmth of the blankets he’s leaving behind, but he perseveres. Frank decides that he is not in the mood to wear real clothes and instead is going to wear pajamas all day. It’s a pajama kind of day. It’s also a binge drink on coffee kind of day.

Frank’s door creaks open as he walks out and looks around carefully Gerard. He doesn’t see Gerard, but instead someone much shorter.

“Where’s Gerard?” Frank asks Patrick.

“He and Pete went out for lunch,” Patrick says.

“And why aren’t you with them?” Frank asks.

“Gerard wasn’t in a good state. He kind of told us what happened,” Patrick says.

“Of course he did. Because it’s not like it’s my life too or anything. He should go around telling everyone about what happens with us!”

“Okay calm down Mr. Melodramatic. We already knew Gerard liked you,” Patrick says.

“You did? Oh god, so who didn’t know besides me? How long has he liked me, and how the hell did you find out?”

“Oh, Gerard’s known he’s in love with you for over a month, and he’s had it a million times worse than you ever did. I’m not trying to demean what you went through, but it was spread out over the course of five years, while Gerard had to live five years of pent up affection over about a month. Like, he’s been in hell. He found out because he got really jealous of how much time you and Aaron were spending together,” Patrick explains.

“Well why the fuck did he decide to ambush me? Did you tell him I liked him, that’s not okay-”

“I didn’t do anything! You know yesterday when we were talking about him? Well he was in the next room,” Patrick says.

“He was...” Frank says and then all the blood drains from his face, “you mean I’m the one who told him? I told Gerard that I love him?”

“Indirectly, but yeah,” Patrick says.

“Well fuck! Dude, I forgot all about him in the next room! How could I have forgotten? I mean I know that it’s been a few days, but how could I have forgotten all about him being in the other room?” Frank exclaims.

“You had a lot on your mind,” Patrick says, “look, it had to come out sooner or later. I’m just glad that you two didn’t kill each other or something. I just don’t understand what’s keeping you apart now.”

“It’s the fact that this is something stupid and tricky like love. Love is literally the stupidest fucking thing in the world, and it’s been eating away at me for so long, and now I have to decide what matters more to me. Being the guy who keeps his pride and moves on from Gerard or being stupidly helpless and falls in love with him even more,” Frank says.

“Well that’s what you have to do now. Decide.”

“It’s hard though,” Frank complains. “Oh, and I guess I owe you an apology for not believing you a few weeks ago when you told me Gerard was in love with me. Given the circumstances though, can you blame me for thinking you were lying?”

“Well not really, but I was never mad at you,” Patrick says.

Frank groans and looks around the room for a long time, feeling really sluggish and tired. Everything in here reminds him of Gerard which is both fantastic, and terrifying. He feels guilty thinking about Gerard when he doesn’t have him yet. He wants Gerard so much though, but he also doesn’t know what would be best for him.

“And you know what the funniest thing about this all is? I love Gerard. Like, I love him a million times more than Aaron. I love him so much it feels like time stops when I’m with him. I’d rather have Gerard than Aaron anyway.”

“So why aren’t you with him instead?” Patrick asks.

“Because Aaron has been nothing but good to me, and he has never once looked past me. It didn’t take him five years to figure out that he wanted me, where it’s taken Gerard that long. Aaron’s an almost sure thing, but Gerard is barely there at all. He and I have a whisper of a chance, and he’s hotheaded.”

“But if you love Gerard-”

“With Aaron I know he actually likes me. Gerard’s love could just be a fantasy sprung from jealousy. That might be all it is. It might not be really real. It might be something he gets over,” Frank shakes his head. “What if I choose him, and he ends up realizing he never loved me? I can’t just go back to Aaron and say that it didn’t work out between us. If I were him, I would just laugh in my face.”

Patrick shrugs and sighs, “I know you’ve known Gerard longer than I have, and I know you know him better than I do, but for the last few weeks, I’ve been a lot closer to him than you have. I don’t think he could fake what he feels for you. I don’t think his brain could psych him out like this. There is no way his brain is really that cruel.”

“But how do you know it’s for real, and not a temporary thing?”

“I guess I just do. Intuition. He looks at you the way you’ve been looking at him for five years, only with him he looks way sadder. Frank, you look at him like he’s a living tragedy, you’ve already got it bad, but when Gerard looks at you, it’s like seeing a guy fond over a ghost.”

“I love him a lot, Patrick,” Frank says, “but I don’t want to lose myself by falling for him.”

“Why do you have to lose yourself?” Patrick asks, “You keep saying that about yourself, like you’re not even you anymore, but I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Listen, I’ve never met the Frank who isn’t in love with Gerard. I’ve never met him, because he was around before I came into the picture. But I can tell you something, Frank. You are a good person now. I like you, and I enjoy hanging out with you. To be honest, I don’t want you to change. I want you to still be Frank. With Gerard, you’ll still be you. I don’t know why you think you’re going to change, because I feel like you’re already you. With Gerard, you’ll be you but you’ll be happier. I would give anything to see you actually happy for real, Frank.”

“But what if I was a better person before Gerard knew me? Before you knew me? What if that guy was a million times superior?”

“Well then I don’t care about him. Frank, you do realize without Gerard, if that’s what you ultimately decide to do, you end up changing. If you’re a different person, I hope you realize that you have to kill the other person. You have to leave who you are now behind, and that’s just not... that would be the worst thing I can possibly fathom. Frank, you’re friends are here for you, you this really sweet guy, who yeah, is in love with his roommate. We’re not here for the guy who’s stringing along a French Canadian guy who, I’m sorry, is a little arrogant. I’m not saying we won’t be there for you if you go another way, but it’s going to be hard to see you break your own heart, and Gerard’s as well.”

“So you’re telling me that I should choose Gerard,” Frank states.

“I’m not telling you to do anything. I’m stating what I would prefer you do, but I’m not ordering you to do it. There is one thing that I will say, that I know you’ve noticed. Ever since you met Aaron, you’ve been driving all of us away. Frank, there’s a wedge between you and me and Pete. There’s a wedge between you and Gerard. Aaron’s been cutting you off from us. It’s almost like he’s isolating you so that you don’t have any connection to your friends anymore,” Patrick says.

“You’re reading too much into it.”

“I’m really not,” Patrick refutes, “you don’t see what it’s like, because you’re seeing things from the inside. If you could see it the way it is, you’d see that maybe you’re perfect boyfriend isn’t so perfect at all.”

“Listen, I’m in control of what’s going on with my life. Aaron is financially stable, he’s charitable, he’s responsible, he doesn’t overreact the way Gerard does, he’s intelligent, and charming. He’s a really proper guy. Really, just, good for me.”

“Yeah, but who makes you laugh? Who makes you have to stop yourself from laughing at things you really shouldn’t be laughing at? Who would you rather watch a twelve hour marathon of Lord of the Rings with? Who includes you in the conversation, and talks about real things instead of business and wealthy people things?”

“Patrick, Aaron is the smart choice. He’s the one who’ll be good to me, and always be there if I need him. He’s the one who I can depend on,” Frank states.

“Aaron may be the smart choice,” Patrick says, “but that doesn’t mean he’s the right one.”