I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Gerard arrives back at the apartment sometime after two in the afternoon to find that no one else is there. He’d thought that Frank would be here, or Patrick at least. Apparently Patrick was more intent on seeing Pete than he was Gerard, which doesn’t necessarily surprise him.

Still though, Gerard never knows what to do with himself when the apartment is empty. He usually ends up playing music too loud and binging on the Sims, but he’s not in a lively enough mood to do that. For the last week this apartment has actually seen a lot of company, just not Frank. Usually Pete and Patrick trying to convince him that it’s okay to watch Batman without Frank, but he disagrees.

Then there was Mikey who wouldn’t say anything but Gerard would just know that he was looking at Gerard the same way he been looking at Frank the past few years. Gerard hadn’t known that Mikey had been looking at Frank like that, but looking back on it now it makes a lot of sense.

Gerard turns the TV on which really should’ve been on in the first place, because when isn’t it? He scrolls through the channels trying to find something he wants to watch, but nothing is on at this time of day other than cooking shows and sitcoms from the 80’s. Gerard settles on some baking show that doesn’t end up satiating his boredom, but actually ends up making him hungry.

“Gerard?” someone says and he looks up surprised. He hadn’t heard anyone come in, so when he turns he’s surprised to see Frank standing there.

“Mhm, yeah?”

“Why are you drooling?”

“I... uh, nothing. Just the TV,” Gerard says, and grabs for the remote before switching it off with a distinct sound that’s hard to describe.

Before the screen turns blank though, Frank looks at it and giggles, “Yeah, because dog food is extremely appetizing.”

“Shut up, it was a commercial,” Gerard says.

“I’m sure,” Frank grins, and hops over the couch to sit next to him.

“So, uh, where were you?”

“What?” Frank asks.

“What?” Gerard says back, “I mean you weren’t here. Where’d you go?”

“I went to go see Aaron,” Frank says.

“Oh.”

“You could hear me out before you start making that fucking ‘oh’ sound like your doctor told you that you’re dying.”

“Sorry?”

“Just let me tell you what happened,” Frank says.

“Am I going to like it, because if not, then I’d really prefer you didn’t say anything at all,” Gerard says, “I don’t want the negative diagnosis if it’s only going to make me feel shitty about myself.”

“Give me a minute to talk,” Frank says, “or a few.”

“Fine,” Gerard replies, and he slouches into the couch a little further with his face sad and partially scared.

“Okay well, basically I wanted to talk to Aaron about all the stuff that’s been going on. He’s not an idiot, right? So he must have known that something was going on between you and I. So I went over there and I talked to him about it. Like, I wanted to talk about our relationship, and then about you, and then about you and I’s relationship. Like, I figure that I’m an adult, right? I don’t feel it, but technically I’ve got to take some fucking responsibility for myself. Just wanted to have a hopefully mature discussion about this decision I have to make, and Aaron seemed okay with that at first.”

“At first?”

“Well I’m getting to it,” Frank says, “so anyway, I told him that I needed some time to think about what I wanted to do, I didn’t really give him the full set of details, because that’s sort of between you and me... and Pete and Patrick and Mikey and everyone else that we’ve told.”

“Right, sorry,” Gerard says wincing because that may have been somewhat of a dig at Gerard’s loose tongue.

“Well I’m about as guilty as you are, though I never tell people, I just have a very transparent face, so people always seem to know what I’m thinking. That’s not what this is about though. So anyway, I went to talk to Aaron, and I asked him if he could give me some time to figure out what I wanted to do, and you know, I figured he’d be all like, ‘yeah okay, seems fair, tell me when you have an answer,’ but he didn’t even kind of do that.”

“What did he do?” Gerard asks.

“One thing led to another and he threw a bowl at my face.”

“He did what?” Gerard asks incredulously and then looks at Frank. He tries to find any scratches, but Frank doesn’t seem to have been hurt.

“Aaron threw china at my face,” Frank repeats.

“Okay, so please give me the details as to how that happened. What ‘one thing’ led to you being attacked with a dish?” Gerard asks.

“Well I told him that I didn’t know what I was going to do about the situation and he got really defensive. So he was like ‘you’re with me, I’m your boyfriend, so you have to choose me.’ So I was like ‘but this is a big decision, I just need some time, I haven’t made up my mind yet’ but then Aaron was all like ‘but Gerard isn’t as good as me, and I’ve given you two months, you can’t just say that’s it because you like someone else.’ I was getting kind of pissed by that time and I said something like ‘but it’s not like I can just pretend I don’t like him and be with you just because you want me to, and besides it’s not really about what you think I should do, it’s about what I want to do.’ So he just got really fucking pissed, and I told him that if he was going to act like that about this whole thing, then that made my decision about a million times easier. Because I already knew I was leaning one way rather than the other, and the guy fucking lost it. I told him that if this was how he was going to be acting I don’t fucking care about choosing one of you, I just know that I don’t fucking want to date Aaron,” Frank says, almost completely in one long breath, until he finally stops to breathe, “at which point he threw a bowl at my face.”

“Okay,” Gerard says, “so then I’m assuming one of you broke up with the other?”

“He threw a motherfucking bowl at my face! Of course I broke up with him! Literally all I wanted was to have a cordial discussion about the future of my love life, no guarantee whether Aaron would be in it or not, and he threw stuff at me for that,” Frank says, rolling his eyes, “but anyway, I was wondering if you knew anybody who I might like.”

“What?” Gerard asks.

“Well I’m recently single, and I know you like setting me up with people. So I was thinking that you could try finding me someone. The only guidelines I want you to follow are that they have to really like Batman, and I’d kind of prefer it if they lived sort of close. You know, like that’s not a deal breaker, but it would be really nice if I didn’t have to go too far.”

Gerard nods and looks at Frank with an expression like he’s finally figured out what the hell Frank is talking about. He’s a little slow today, because an hour ago he was miserable. Now though he feels completely different. He’s sort of got this really nervous band around his chest telling him not to get his hopes up, but at the same time he feels like this is it. This is finally it. Gerard doesn’t see what else Frank could be talking about if not the obvious.

“Batman,” Gerard says, “that’s your proviso?”

“Mhm, I like dorks who are into superheroes.”

“I mean, I do know this one guy who lives kind of close that likes Batman,” Gerard says.

“Yeah? How close?” Frank asks, turning to Gerard with a really blank expression on his face.

“Well from here, he lives a few feet away,” Gerard states.

“A few feet?” Frank asks, and pretends to balance that in his brain, “Well I guess I could make that work.”

“You think so?” Gerard questions.

“Yeah, I mean it’s a little inconvenient for me, but if it was meant to be, I guess I’ll just find a way to work around it,” Frank shrugs.

Gerard nods, “Well there is one thing you ought to know about this guy though. He’s already in love with you.”

“Is he? Well that’s probably a good thing, because I think I’m in love with him too.”

Gerard smiles over at Frank, until he just doesn’t want to wait anymore. He’s sick of pretending, and he’s sick of not kissing Frank. Gerard leans over and grabs Frank and he then presses his forehead against his. For a few moments that feel both too short and too long, they’re just sort of staring into each other’s eyes. Frank can see the tiniest details of Gerard’s eyes, including little golden flecks that catch the light of the room, and make him seem other worldly.

“No, I was wrong,” Frank says quietly, “I don’t think I’m in love with you at all, Gerard. I’m positive.”

Gerard grins until Frank puts his hand at the back of Gerard’s neck and forces him closer. There isn’t any more room to get closer though so they end up closing the space completely.

For the first time in his life, Frank doesn’t feel any remorse for feeling the way he does about Gerard. He doesn’t regret loving him, or regret the five years he’s spent fawning over him, and he doesn’t regret the suffering he’s been through to get here. It’s the fact that he made it to this point at all that makes him feel unapologetic about being here right now.

He knows that yeah, maybe he’s going to have a hard time trying to find himself again, but Frank can finally just let himself be happy. Gerard likes him, and that’s all he’s wanted for five years, so he’s sick of overthinking. He doesn’t care anymore about whether or not Gerard is the smart choice, or even if he’s the right choice, because Gerard is the choice that makes him happy, and really, that’s all he needs to care about. He should probably be kind of mad at Gerard for taking five years to sort himself out, but it’s not about how long it takes really, it’s about the fact that he figured it out at all.

Really though, Frank just doesn’t care. He likes Gerard and for fucks sake, the guy likes him back.

At the bottom of his stomach, Gerard is a little scared that Frank is going to pull himself away from Gerard again, but if that happens, at least he has right now. He can’t even believe what he feels for Frank. It’s not something that can really be put into words. It just is. The way he feels for Frank is just the way he feels, and there’s nothing he can do to describe it. Something a lot like love, but it’s of a much more potent degree.

The first time Gerard had kissed Frank was somewhat of a mistake, because Frank was still in fact in a relationship. Right now, right here, this is Frank. This is Frank who doesn’t have any attachment to anyone else at the moment, except for maybe Gerard himself. That’s a little strange to think about, but it’s invigorating all the same. He loves Frank, like a lot, and Frank is kissing him, and he’s not someone’s boyfriend anymore. Well hopefully he’ll be someone’s boyfriend soon, but Gerard would really prefer that boyfriend to be himself.

Yeah, Gerard can see himself being a boyfriend to someone as long as that someone is Frank. Frank’s the only one though. It’s only him. Gerard wouldn’t want anyone else.

Frank pulls away after a moment and all he does is wrap his arms around Gerard in a tight hug. He then he sticks his head into Gerard’s neck, and Frank thinks to himself that this is perfect.

“I’ve waited so long for this,” Frank mumbles into Gerard’s neck, “and I don’t have a long life to live, so I’m not going to wait any longer.”

Gerard just sits and accepts the feeling of Frank pressed against him, his heat like nothing else in the entire world. He’s probably the only person or thing in the world that can be as perfect and breathtaking as he is.

Frank’s always had this weird talent to get to all of Gerard’s senses. It’s gotten worse for Gerard ever since realizing he’s been in love with Frank, but really Frank is an immersive person. He’s the only person in the world who smells the way he does. He smells like Frank. Kind of evocative of something else, but Gerard’s not quite sure what. Perfect though. He smells perfect. He’s also got this really dulcet, and yet also silvery voice, that literally makes you feel like you’re getting hugged with words whenever he speaks. He’s just all around really mesmerizing in everything he does.

“Do you wanna watch Batman with me?” Gerard asks.

“You know what? I do,” Frank says grinning widely, “I really really really do.”