I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

“I have news of epic proportions,” Frank says as he enters the apartment.

“Frank has news of epic proportions,” Pete repeats into the seemingly empty apartment in front of him. Frank eyes him for a moment, but rolls his eyes and decides to roll with it.

Gerard’s head pops out of his room and he says, “I heard that there is news of epic proportions.”

“There is indeed,” Frank says, throwing his jacket off.

“Well go on, tell us. It had better be epic or you totally oversold it,” Pete replies.

“I have a date,” Frank says proudly, as he saunters across the room and takes a seat next to Pete.

“You have a what?” Pete asks.

“A date!”

“A small fruit that looks like a nut?”

“No a date. Like a date with an actual person,” Frank clarifies.

“I’ve eaten a date before, there is not enough to share with another person,” Pete says, eyeing Frank like he’s gone insane.

“You actually have a date?” Gerard asks looking about as lost as Pete, but there’s a touch of something like awe in his face.

“I do! Unbelievable, right?” Frank says.

“But what happened to the guy you met yesterday?” Gerard asks.

“There was a guy who you met yesterday?” Pete interrupts looking so bewildered, it’s almost amusing, “why the fuck was I not informed of this?”

“Well you didn’t ask,” Frank shrugs, “and it’s with the guy who I met yesterday.”

“Who is the guy you met yesterday?” Pete yells, before Gerard can ask any further questions.

“Long story short, I almost got hit by a car and met this guy,” Frank says.

“Oh yeah, ‘cause that really clears everything up,” Pete says.

“But you didn’t get his number! You chickened out and didn’t ask,” Gerard says, looking at Frank curiously.

“Well yeah, but he came in to work to see me today, and oh fuck, is he good looking. I can’t even describe to you what he looks like,” Frank says, sighing, “and I told him where I worked yesterday, and he came in to see me, and I gave him my number, and he called me, and he has such a nice voice, I wish you could hear it, his voice is like fucking heaven, and-”

“Frank! Remember to breathe,” Pete reminds him.

“What? Oh sorry. I guess I got carried away there. Anyway, he called me a little while ago, and I have a date tonight!”

“What? But we were going to marathon the raunchy 60’s Batman show tonight!” Gerard says.

“It’ll still be there when I get back. Adam West isn’t going anywhere when you have the giant collector’s box set.”

“Yeah but-”

“Gerard, you’ll live,” Frank says.

“Fine, so when are you going to meet him? Where are you going to meet him? What was his name again?” Gerard asks, spit firing questions to make Frank feel like he’s on a game show of some sort. Not a very good game show though.

“His name is Aaron, and he’s going to pick me up, because he apparently has a car, which is news to me,” Frank says, and watches as Gerard walks over to the kitchen.

“He has a car? Is he rich or something?” Pete asks.

“Kind of,” Frank shrugs, “I mean, he’s not not-rich.”

“What does that mean?” Pete questions.

“Well I’m not poor, and you’re not poor, but Aaron has a lot of money, but I wouldn’t say he’s rich. He’s lower higher class, or higher middle class.”

“I think my brain just stopped working and crawled out of my ears,” Pete says. “First you tell me you have a date, and now he’s loaded?”

“Not per se, but think what you will,” Frank responds. Pete gives him this disbelieving look, and then his eyes point in the direction of Gerard. Frank shakes his head to warn him to shut up, and then he realizes that Pete didn’t really say anything. He’s insinuating the same question everyone else seems to be having.

‘What about Gerard?’ Pete mouths.

“Fuck off,” Frank replies vocally.

“What?” Gerard questions.

“Frank hates me,” Pete says.

“Well yeah, but so does everyone else. I don’t really know what you’re expecting, Pete,” Gerard says.

“I feel unappreciated,” Pete frowns.

“It’s not unappreciative if it’s warranted,” Frank says, “now let me go change, because I have a date with a really hot guy.”

“How hot is he?”

“Really,” Frank says, standing up and walking over to his room. Gerard watches him quizzically, and sees a sort of swagger in Frank’s step that hadn’t been there a few days ago. Part of him doesn’t believe the new person before him, but at the same time he’s finding it hard to recognize why it’s so surprising.

“He seems different,” Gerard says when the door closes behind Frank.

“Good different, or bad different?”

“I don’t know yet,” Gerard says, “I mean, I’m glad that he finally fucking found someone who he’s excited about, but it does seem rather fast for him to be falling.”

“He’s quick with feelings, everyone knows that,” Pete shrugs. He turns to look at Gerard, and he just wishes how much he could enunciate to Gerard how weird it actually is. Frank’s supposed to be head over heels in love with Gerard, not someone else.

“I just don’t know how I feel about it being this quick.”

“Be happy for him,” Pete says.

“I am. I just hope he looks before he leaps,” Gerard replies.

“Frank’s a smart guy. Even if he doesn’t always show it, and in fact, goes out of his way to make you think the contrary, he is still smart. He’s not an idiot,” Pete says.

“Well he’s a bit of an idiot when it comes to things like this, don’t you think?” Gerard asks, “Have you ever seen him like anyone throughout our time knowing him?”

Pete rolls his eyes when he looks away from Gerard, “no, not at all. Never seen him love anyone.”

“Me neither,” Gerard says, and Pete has to stop himself from snorting out loud. Gerard is so clueless it’s laughable.

“Hey, is a tie too much?” Frank asks stepping out of his room.

“Yes,” Pete nods, “you look like a carny.”

“Carnies don’t wear ties,” Frank replies.

“Well it’s mostly your face that screams ‘carny’ to me,” Pete shrugs.

“I think you look fine, but it’s a first date, Frank. You don’t need to look like you’re attending a wedding,” Gerard tells him.

“So no tie?”

“You are really on edge today,” Pete rolls his eyes. “No. No tie. You’d look like you’re trying too hard, and even though you are trying too hard, it’s better if you don’t look it.”

“Am I really? Am I hopeless?”

“You’re so unbelievably hopeless that it’s not even funny,” Pete says.

“Don’t say that,” Gerard scolds, “you’re not hopeless, Frank.”

“He’s a little hopeless,” Pete says.

“He’s not that hopeless!”

“I’m a little hopeless,” Frank concedes.

“Shut up, the both of you,” Gerard says, and Frank evaluates himself before deciding that he’s fine, and he really doesn’t need a tie. He also realizes that his hands are shaking, and that he looks far too uptight considering it really is just a date. He hasn’t had one that he was actually excited about since he met Gerard.

Frank looks at Gerard from where he’s standing in the doorway, and his heart falls for a minute. He realizes how foolish he’s acting, because looking at Gerard makes him remember how much he loves the guy.

He does with every fiber of his being. He loves Gerard so much that it makes his stomach twist in knots when it dawns on him that he’s caught up on someone else. It makes the feeling he has for Aaron feel fake, because he doesn’t have any room left for anyone who isn’t Gerard. Fuck, does he love Gerard. Every day he wakes up and realizes that the pain of going unnoticed is still there, and growing ever stronger, because Gerard will never love him back. He never has, and never will, and accepting that for Frank will be life destroying. He would rather have happiness with Gerard than with anyone else, but that’s not an option now and it never will be.

Frank hates that he knows that much. Gerard will never want him in return, because he doesn’t care about Frank that way. He hates it, but it’s true. He hates knowing that someday he’s going to have to move on, because he can’t be hooked forever. Eventually he’s going to have to let go and get on with his life. His life is about Gerard though. That’s all he really wants, so who is he really if he doesn’t have this immobilizing crush on Gerard. Frank doubts that it’s ever going to go away though, because really, how could it? He can try to shroud it, but it’ll always be there.

Sooner or later though, Frank has to live his own life, and Aaron might not be the one, but if Frank waits forever to find someone to cover up his feelings for Gerard, than he’ll never regain himself. He’s got the glimmer of a chance though, right now. He’s got a high heart rate jumping in his chest at the idea of someone else. Someone who isn’t Gerard. That’s the first time he’s felt his heart beat out a new rhythm in five years. He’d be a fool not to see where this goes.

Getting over Gerard is not something Frank is capable of doing completely, and he’s certainly not capable of doing it by himself, but maybe if he tries to pretend it’s not there, it’ll stop hurting. It’s never really going to go away, the love of Gerard, but maybe if he tries, it’ll get less.

“Is it bad that I’m scared?” Frank asks.

“Of what?” Pete asks, and makes the smallest gesture towards Gerard.

“You know,” Frank replies with a nod.

“Do you think you’re ready for this?” Pete asks him.

“Absolutely not,” Frank says.

“Then I think you can do it,” Pete tells him.

“I’m lost. What are we talking about?” Gerard interjects.

“It’s not important,” Frank disregards and sighs. “I don’t know if this is really such a good idea.”

“Frank!” Gerard complains, “come on, it’s taken you so long to find anyone to be excited about, you are not going to throw this away now. I won’t let you.”

“But what if I tell you I can’t do this,” Frank pleads with his eyes staring directly into Gerard’s.

His face softens as he says, “I mean, if you really don’t think you can, I’m not going to push you. I just want you to realize what decision you’re making.”

Frank frowns, and goes over his thoughts. His second thoughts are plaguing him vehemently, but at the same time he’s being burned alive by the sensation of guilt for wanting Gerard. He has to just get over it, and he’s never going to be able to if he doesn’t at least start somewhere.

“Yeah, okay. I can do this,” Frank nods. The both of them look happy, Gerard more so, with Pete having a mixture of worry on his face, but Frank pretends he doesn’t notice.

“I really hope this works out for you,” Gerard says.

The buzzer to the apartment goes off a second later, and Frank’s heart stops for a second as he realizes that this is actually going to happen. He’s actually going to go out on a date with Aaron and he can’t do much to stop that now.

“Perfect timing,” Gerard says with a smile, and turns to buzz Aaron in.