Status: Active
I Know You'll Find Your Own Way
She Still Lives Inside of Me
His lips feel like heaven against my own as I slowly blink my eyes open. My eyes are dry but I can see that it's late. It's dark in the room and the fan pointed at the bed sends a ripple of goosebumps over my flesh. My bare legs rub against the cool sheets as he brushes a finger over my cheek.
The kiss is soft and sweet as James drags the covers back to slip in beside me. He's still clad in jeans and a band tee which tells me he just got in, but I accept the warmth of his body and snuggle against him.
“What time is it?” I whisper out, my voice laced with sleep, my mind still not fully there.
“A little after four, close your eyes.”
“Why so late?” I barely hear his response as I begin to drift back off, but not before I feel him bury his face in my neck and mumble something incoherent against my skin.
I stare at the California King with a coffee mug clasped between my hands. The liquid has long since lost its heat, but I sip on it anyway as a thousand memories flash before my eyes. James and I had some of our worst fights in this room, but we also created some of my favorite memories.
But right now nothing earth shattering or life altering comes to mind as my eyes stay locked on the white sheets. Right now what comes to mind is the monotonous day in and day out. The way he would crawl into bed with me after a night of drinking, rest his head on my chest and fall into a peaceful sleep.
All the nights I'd be sound asleep when he would get home from an entire day at the studio. He'd kiss any bit of exposed skin he could until I'd wake up, no matter the hour and we would talk about the music. His eyes would be filled with excitement, his beautiful orbs sparkling with animation.
“Fuck.” I whisper to myself as I run a hand down to caress the growing bump of my stomach. “What am I going to do?”
I step further into the room and set the coffee mug down on the dresser beside the bed before reaching to tear the blankets from the bed. I bite my bottom lip as the all too familiar feeling of rage creeps across my chest and through my limbs. I rip the sheets off and throw them behind me into a pile with the duvet.
My phone starts to vibrate on the dresser but I ignore it as I gather up all of the bedding including the pillows until it's nothing but a mattress on a frame. I drag all of the fluffy white material to the stairs and throw it over the railing. The sheets billow out like a parachute and I watch it all fall into a mess on the hardwood floor below.
My phone rings a few more times before I hear someone knocking on the door and I let s frustrated sigh as I make my way down the stairs to answer it. On the other side stands Brian and he looks from me to the giant pile of bedding behind me on the floor.
“Doing some laundry?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Not quite. I could use your help.” I leave him at the entrance and start gathering up what I can carry in my arms and heading towards the kitchen.
“Lana, what are you doing? Am I grabbing these?” I ignore his words as I shove the sliding glass door open that leads to the backyard. Brian comes out a moment later with the remaining fabric clutched in his hands. As I'm tossing the armful into the fire pit Brian catches up. “What are you doing?” He repeats as he follows my lead. I reach into my pocket and pull out a lighter before kneeling down and setting the feather down comforter on fire.
The material flares up in a large flame and Brian grabs my upper arm to drag me away from the heat. We stand in silence as the fire turns the white black. For once Brian has nothing to say and I'm grateful for his lack of words. My skin is hot from standing so close but I relish the heat.
“I'm not crazy.” I whisper out after the flames begin to burn out. “Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.” I cross my arms across my chest and avoid his eyes.
“I don't think you're crazy.” He reaches down to take one of my hands in his own and I allow it. The close contact feels foreign after isolating myself for so long. Three weeks without the love of my life has wrecked me inside and out. “I thought we had more time.”
“Come on.” He laces his fingers through mine and leads me back to the house.
“I fucking hate this place.” My voice is low as I stare up at the ceiling. “There's so much empty space. It's so depressing.” A single tear slips down my cheek as I rest my palms on the counter top and brace my weight there. When I've composed myself I turn to see Brian leaning against the island, his eyebrows furrowed as he watches me.
“I know how you feel. Even if you want to push me out of your life I know what you're going through.”
“Do you ever feel like you're stuck right here? Like a month, a year, ten even, you're going to be right here in this same spot unable to move forward?”
“I think Jimmy wouldn't want you torturing yourself. He would want you to survive this.”
“But he left me. He no longer gets a choice in where I end up.” Brian takes a step forward but I hold up a hand to stop him.
“He didn't choose this, Lana. He loved you more than anyone. His downfall was his damn heart that just couldn't take it anymore.”
“Do you know what it feels like to wake up beside the person you love to find they no longer have a heartbeat?” The left side of my chest gives an uncomfortable squeeze as the words leave my lips. Brian’s mouth opens but closes as no words come to mind. “Do you get the sheer panic? The absolute devastation as the paramedics put a sheet over his beautiful fucking face?” I take a breath and shake my head. “You have absolutely no idea how I feel.”
“I'm not going anywhere. You can push me away, but I'm going to do as he asked. Not just because he asked, but because I love you, Lana. You're one of my best friends and I'm not going to give up on you.” I roll my eyes and let out a sarcastic laugh.
“How lucky am I?”
“Stop being such an impossible bitch, Jesus Christ.” My eyes go wide as he runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “We all lost someone too. We're all hurting, it's not just the goddamn Marlana show. Val needs you. We all need you.” He takes a step towards the door but turns back to look at me. “When you remember how to be the friend we all know, call me.” Brian stalks towards the front door and slams it on his way out, leaving me alone to think about what he'd just said.
The kiss is soft and sweet as James drags the covers back to slip in beside me. He's still clad in jeans and a band tee which tells me he just got in, but I accept the warmth of his body and snuggle against him.
“What time is it?” I whisper out, my voice laced with sleep, my mind still not fully there.
“A little after four, close your eyes.”
“Why so late?” I barely hear his response as I begin to drift back off, but not before I feel him bury his face in my neck and mumble something incoherent against my skin.
I stare at the California King with a coffee mug clasped between my hands. The liquid has long since lost its heat, but I sip on it anyway as a thousand memories flash before my eyes. James and I had some of our worst fights in this room, but we also created some of my favorite memories.
But right now nothing earth shattering or life altering comes to mind as my eyes stay locked on the white sheets. Right now what comes to mind is the monotonous day in and day out. The way he would crawl into bed with me after a night of drinking, rest his head on my chest and fall into a peaceful sleep.
All the nights I'd be sound asleep when he would get home from an entire day at the studio. He'd kiss any bit of exposed skin he could until I'd wake up, no matter the hour and we would talk about the music. His eyes would be filled with excitement, his beautiful orbs sparkling with animation.
“Fuck.” I whisper to myself as I run a hand down to caress the growing bump of my stomach. “What am I going to do?”
I step further into the room and set the coffee mug down on the dresser beside the bed before reaching to tear the blankets from the bed. I bite my bottom lip as the all too familiar feeling of rage creeps across my chest and through my limbs. I rip the sheets off and throw them behind me into a pile with the duvet.
My phone starts to vibrate on the dresser but I ignore it as I gather up all of the bedding including the pillows until it's nothing but a mattress on a frame. I drag all of the fluffy white material to the stairs and throw it over the railing. The sheets billow out like a parachute and I watch it all fall into a mess on the hardwood floor below.
My phone rings a few more times before I hear someone knocking on the door and I let s frustrated sigh as I make my way down the stairs to answer it. On the other side stands Brian and he looks from me to the giant pile of bedding behind me on the floor.
“Doing some laundry?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Not quite. I could use your help.” I leave him at the entrance and start gathering up what I can carry in my arms and heading towards the kitchen.
“Lana, what are you doing? Am I grabbing these?” I ignore his words as I shove the sliding glass door open that leads to the backyard. Brian comes out a moment later with the remaining fabric clutched in his hands. As I'm tossing the armful into the fire pit Brian catches up. “What are you doing?” He repeats as he follows my lead. I reach into my pocket and pull out a lighter before kneeling down and setting the feather down comforter on fire.
The material flares up in a large flame and Brian grabs my upper arm to drag me away from the heat. We stand in silence as the fire turns the white black. For once Brian has nothing to say and I'm grateful for his lack of words. My skin is hot from standing so close but I relish the heat.
“I'm not crazy.” I whisper out after the flames begin to burn out. “Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.” I cross my arms across my chest and avoid his eyes.
“I don't think you're crazy.” He reaches down to take one of my hands in his own and I allow it. The close contact feels foreign after isolating myself for so long. Three weeks without the love of my life has wrecked me inside and out. “I thought we had more time.”
“Come on.” He laces his fingers through mine and leads me back to the house.
“I fucking hate this place.” My voice is low as I stare up at the ceiling. “There's so much empty space. It's so depressing.” A single tear slips down my cheek as I rest my palms on the counter top and brace my weight there. When I've composed myself I turn to see Brian leaning against the island, his eyebrows furrowed as he watches me.
“I know how you feel. Even if you want to push me out of your life I know what you're going through.”
“Do you ever feel like you're stuck right here? Like a month, a year, ten even, you're going to be right here in this same spot unable to move forward?”
“I think Jimmy wouldn't want you torturing yourself. He would want you to survive this.”
“But he left me. He no longer gets a choice in where I end up.” Brian takes a step forward but I hold up a hand to stop him.
“He didn't choose this, Lana. He loved you more than anyone. His downfall was his damn heart that just couldn't take it anymore.”
“Do you know what it feels like to wake up beside the person you love to find they no longer have a heartbeat?” The left side of my chest gives an uncomfortable squeeze as the words leave my lips. Brian’s mouth opens but closes as no words come to mind. “Do you get the sheer panic? The absolute devastation as the paramedics put a sheet over his beautiful fucking face?” I take a breath and shake my head. “You have absolutely no idea how I feel.”
“I'm not going anywhere. You can push me away, but I'm going to do as he asked. Not just because he asked, but because I love you, Lana. You're one of my best friends and I'm not going to give up on you.” I roll my eyes and let out a sarcastic laugh.
“How lucky am I?”
“Stop being such an impossible bitch, Jesus Christ.” My eyes go wide as he runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “We all lost someone too. We're all hurting, it's not just the goddamn Marlana show. Val needs you. We all need you.” He takes a step towards the door but turns back to look at me. “When you remember how to be the friend we all know, call me.” Brian stalks towards the front door and slams it on his way out, leaving me alone to think about what he'd just said.
♠ ♠ ♠
