The Process of Losing and Gaining

Sometimes I think I’m better, because I told myself the ocean would heal me. I told myself the energy from the tide would make its way into my veins, dance through my blood. But sometimes I don’t believe it. Most times, in fact. Still, I spend as much time on the beach as possible, under the moon, huddled tight against the rocks of La Jolla. Nearly every night I come here and sit in the same spot. I close my eyes, listen to the waves break against the rocks, and wait for the surge that I know is coming. The seawater rushes up my ankles, and sometimes even makes it to my knees. I shiver every time, and in those moments I wish for the tide to pull me out with it. It never does, and I suppose I’m grateful for that.

There are almost always other people here, even at night. Usually couples, but you do get the odd jogger. Of course there are always people milling around up on the sidewalk, but from here it feels like that’s a completely separate world. Tonight, though, I am nearly alone. The only other people here, as far as I can tell, are far from me. They hide in the cove, deep in the dark, laughing. I do love it here, though. It’s always beautiful, never disappointing. Night after night the coast seems to stay the same yet is still different with each visit. Despite the fact that I’ve been here for less than a month I already know I never want to be anywhere else. San Diego is my city, and the beach is my home.
Tonight the full moon really sets the scene. Though it is behind me the light illuminates the land in a most unimaginable way. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Before coming to San Diego I spent the majority of my time in Michigan; Detroit, specifically. I lived pretty nomadically, though I wasn’t homeless. I just didn’t really like to stay in one place for very long. I lived a sort of “gypsy” lifestyle; Supplementing my tarot readings with odd jobs, cleaning houses and the like. I’m also a medium, but I don’t delve into that realm too often.

My entire life I knew that I couldn’t stay in Detroit. I love the city, and it will always have a place in my heart, but I had to get out. Opportunity arose, I was able to save some money, and I allowed the city to purge itself of me. Now, I’m here, and the moon is brighter now than I’ve ever seen before, and seemingly much higher in the sky.

I subconsciously look over to check on my crystals that are sitting atop a large boulder to my right. It’s not that I expect them to have disappeared, but I’m so attached to them, I worry even in the slightest of breezes.

The breeze is what brought my attention to him. A very familiar smell drifted towards me in the slight breath of the wind. Slowly, I turned, searching for its origin. Not far behind me on the rocks was a manly figure, clad in black. With the moon behind them I couldn’t really see any specific features, especially once they turned their head to blow the smoke down towards me. I continued to stare for a moment, only turning back to the ocean when I saw the figure preparing to stand. I scanned the large rocks in the ocean until my eyes landed on a group of seals relaxing after what was probably a long day of, well, relaxing.

There was movement to the left of me, and I glanced over without moving my head. Definitely a boy, I thought. He had that distinct and perfect “boy” smell, on top of some very dank marijuana. He slid down the last bit of boulder to sit next to me, close but not too close, and held the blunt out. I accepted it gratefully, and took a small hit to judge just how good the weed was. It was definitely good…Good was an understatement. I hit it a second time, breathing deep before passing it back. It felt good to have him next to me; he was very low energy, very chill.

“Thanks,” I breathed out as I let the smoke slowly escape my lungs.
He nodded and offered his hand; I slowly reached up to shake it.
“Mike,” he smiled and I saw silver jewelry move just above his lips, reflecting the moonlight.
“Kalika,” I replied, shivering as I returned a small smile and let go of his hand.
He tilted his head as he blew smoke into the air, “Interesting.”
The way he replied made me nervous, but I tried to not let it show.
“I mean, you can call me Kali. Most people do.”
Mike smirked and handed the blunt back to me, “I like Kalika,” he nodded and said my name again, pronouncing each syllable slowly, “Kah-lee-ka…What’s it from?”

For the next couple of minutes I explained that I was named after the Hindu goddess of time, Kalika. My mother is from Bahrain, where she was deeply involved in Hinduism, so while I was not raised as Hindu I do know a lot about the religion and a lot of my values and morals come from it.
Mike’s phone rang just as we finished smoking, the sudden music startled us. It was a tune I didn’t recognize, but I danced to it a little while Mike struggled to retrieve the phone from his pocket.
“What’s up?”... “Oh cool yeah I’m down by the cove.”… “Sure I’ll meet you up there.”… “All right, peace.”

He hung up and smiled at me as he moved to stand, “I gotta go meet up with my brother, we have some crap to do. But umm...” He looked around for a second and I interrupted,
“Yeah I should go too. It’s getting chilly.”
Mike held his hand out and I grabbed it, “I see you around here a lot. Take this.” He pulled off his hoodie as soon as he made sure I was standing on my own.
“Oh no it’s fi-” I shook my head, but he cut me off.
“Take it so you don’t catch a cold. You’ll have an excuse to talk to me again this way,” he winked. Wow, that was cute. I turned around to grab my backpack and put my crystals away, but also took a moment to recover from the redness I could feel gathering on my cheeks. I didn’t notice just how cute he was, though, until we made it up the rocks and I grabbed my longboard that I stashed up near the board walk. In the light I could see that he was pretty heavily tattooed, and I just about melted at that. I am a sucker for tattoos.

We walked the same direction for a minute, I didn’t say anything because it seemed like he was looking for something and I didn’t want to distract him.
“Hey, Vic!” He called out suddenly. About twenty feet ahead of us a boy turned around and waved at us. He jogged over and stopped just a couple feet in front of us. Vic waved at me and looked over at Mike.

“Hey bro, you ready?” Mike nodded.
“Yeah man, I was just hanging out with Kalika,” he threw an arm around my shoulders, “met her down on the beach and decided to keep her company.”
I interjected, “Kali...” and Mike rolled his eyes, “Kali and I were just hanging out. But yeah let’s go.”
Vic shook my hand, “hope he didn’t annoy you too much,” I laughed and shook my head, noting that his eyes widened when he saw that I was wearing Mike’s hoodie. I set my longboard down on the ground and put my backpack on over both of my shoulders.

“Not at all, he’s pretty decent,” I smiled and glanced at Mike who was looking at me with a thoughtful face. He snapped out of it and held up his hand for a high-five. I had to reach a bit to meet his hand, he was pretty tall, but I made it.

“Till next time, shorty,” before I could come up with a comeback the two boys had already started walking away. Mike glanced back and winked at me again. This guy was going to be the end of me. I hopped on my long board and sped past them, not looking back. I heard Vic whistle as I went by though, and he called after me, “Bye Kali!” I lifted my hand and threw up a peace sign, ready to return home and go to sleep.

Instead, I spent the entire night thinking of Mike.