The Process of Losing and Gaining

I don’t think I’d ever been woken up so gently in my life.
“We’re here,” I was too tired to respond, and honestly just hoped that he would leave me alone. Alas…
“We’re here, Kali.”
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and untangled myself from the warm embrace of Tony’s hoodie.
“Just…gimme a sec,” I yawned out, but Tony had other plans.
“Come on Kali. Aren’t you hungry? Or better yet, thirsty?”
I forced my eyes open and looked out of the window. We’d parked in front of what I could only describe as a sprawling mansion. I felt like I’d been transported to Italy.
“Umm, holy crap,” I looked at Tony with wide eyes, “Where are we?”
“Wine country!” That really woke me up.
“Oh! I love wine!” I expressed happily as he came around to open my door.
“I’ve noticed. And I uh, asked Vic, just to confirm.”
“Ah, just going behind my back for everything, I see.”
I stepped out of the car and into the head, glad that I’d chosen to wear a romper for the day. Tony answered a call on his phone and I leaned against the car, staring down at my shoes.
“Hey, Vic wants to talk to you.” I gave him a questioning look but took the phone from him anyway.
“Hell-”
“Kali! You never replied to my text.” Tony motioned for me to follow him and we began walking.
“So you had to call Tony?”
“Yeah, he said he’d be with you.”
“Vic, you have my number.”
“Oh, right. Anyway. We’ll be flying back from New York on Wednesday. So does that night work?”
Tony was leading me through winding sidewalks and was now talking to a woman who I assumed to be a hostess.
“Yeah sure Vic. Look, I have to go. I’ll text you later, K?” He made kissy noises, and ended them with an excited “Have fun!” I turned back to pay attention to Tony and the woman.
“Hey, sorry,” I apologized. She led us to a small table against the wall of what I now realized was a very fancy restaurant and we were somewhat underdressed. She laid two menus on the table in front of us and gestured to one, “this is the tasting menu,” and then the other, “this is our lunch menu.”
Just over an hour later Tony and I prepared to leave the restaurant. We’d tasted at least eight different types of wine. I enjoyed multiple types of cheese on crackers, with some calamari. Tony, who I’d discovered is vegetarian, had some type of rice and vegetable dish along with the cheese and crackers.
We were both a little tipsy as we decided to walk around to the back of the building, or rather “resort” Tony had called it.
“What do we do now?”
He held up two bottles of wine that he’d added onto our bill at the restaurant and said “party respectfully?” We rounded the corner and found ourselves standing on the edge of acres of vineyards and green hills. The sun wasn’t really setting yet, but it was definitely getting lower. We sat in the grass and silently drank one of the bottles as we watched the sun disappear behind the mountains.
“How’s your day going, Kali?” We sat close to each other and I felt his breath pass over the skin on my shoulder. He smelled of cologne, sweat, and grapes. I closed my eyes to avoid his gaze; I knew that I wasn’t sober enough to handle his puppy dog eyes. I fell back into the grass and let out a happy sigh.
“I’m having a great day, Tony.” I opened my eyes to the clouds. I feel him lean back next to me.
“It’s gorgeous out here.” I look over and he’s watching me.
“What’s your story, anyway?” I roll onto my side and prop my head in my hand.
“Hmm…Well actually, first, there is no way we are getting home like this.”
I think about that for a minute before gesturing back to the resort.
“We could just get a room here.”
“Nah, they require a 2 night reservation…I already checked google and, wait…” He grabbed at my right hand and pulled off a ring I’d randomly decided to wear.
“Put this on your left ring finger.” I did as he requested, but not without questioning him about it. He shook his head at me, and then stood, pulling me up with him.
“Just follow along, okay?”
He held me around my waist as we travelled to the reception desk. I didn’t hear everything Tony said to the woman, but I did pick up something that sounded like “My wife is moving to Paris for six months…one last night away.” Then the lady said something “special” would be delivered to our room, on the house.
We could barely contain ourselves as we walked to our assigned villa, and I kept managing to trip over nothing. Once, Tony caught me and pulled me into his chest. I breathed in his scent and met his eyes.
“I’ve got you,” he breathed out.
“Th-thanks. I, um,” it was still nerve wracking being this close to a guy, even though it’s been a few months since everything back home happened. I know there’s no reason to not trust Tony, but it’s so hard.
“Um, the faster we get to the room the faster we can drink more.” I grabbed the room key from him and pulled away.
“Don’t be a rotten egg, Tony!” I called behind me as I skipped, well, skipped and tripped my way down the sidewalk. When I found the villa that belonged to us for the night I quickly let myself in. The room was gorgeous. There was a king sized bed, a fireplace, a sliding door to our own private balcony…and the bathroom was amazing. A huge tub sat against the wall, built into what could probably provide enough room for six people to sit around the tub and just hang out if they wanted. Tony trailed into the bathroom behind me and gasped. Yes, gasped.
“Holy crap,” I spun around to meet him, “I know, right? I kind of feel like taking advantage of that tub…” He shrugged, “Feel free. It’s ours…For the night, anyway.”
Just as I settled into the tub, which was now full of hot water and tons of bubbles, I heard a commotion from the main room. A minute later there was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me.”
“I figured…duh…Come in.” I made sure the bubbles covered everything up, and there were so many that they definitely did. Tony came in covering his eyes with one hand and holding a dark green glass bottle in the other.
“Check out what they brought the happy couple.”
“Tony, you can uncover your eyes.” He did, slowly, and looked up.
“Oh, rad. That looks super comfy.” I’d lit candles and the lights were pretty low.
“It is. Have a seat,” I patted the ledge. Tony retreated from the bathroom and came back with two champagne glasses.
“For the champagne, of course,” he said as he set them down on the ledge. He slipped off his shoes and sat on the ledge, opposite my head. I lifted my foot out of the water and wiggled my toes at him.
“You gonna pour me some of that or you just gonna keep staring?”
“Oh, um, yeah. Of course.” He filled both glasses and held one out to me.
“Cheers,” I began, “to…” He cleared his throat and finished for me.
“Cheers to a beautiful girl next to me in a tub, and to me for having the ability to control myself.” I laughed and not-so-daintily drank almost half of my glass.
“Do you smoke?” I asked him.
“What, cigarettes?” I shook my head.
“Um…no, weed?”
“Oh, no. Neither, actually. You do?”
I nodded and finished my drink. I tried to set the glass back on the ledge but I missed. It slipped from my hand and shattered as it bounced off the marble. Most of the glass slid into the tub, and of course I didn’t think before trying to capture it in my hand.
“Ow! Fuck!” I withdrew my hand from the war water and held it up. There was already a decent amount of blood seeping from new cuts. Tony jumped up and grabbed one of the white towels from across the room.
I tried to maneuver away from the glass that I could feel settling at the bottom of the tub but it was no use. I felt it slice into the side of my thigh.
“Shit, shit. Tony. I’m gonna need you to help me…” He handed me the towel and questioned me.
“How are we gonna do this?
“Just…” I held my hand out, “you can close your eyes. Just grab my hand and pull me out.”
“Okay, let’s try it.”
We were successful, although I did nearly slide back into the tub a couple of times.
“Hand me a towel.” I looked down at my blood thigh and sighed.
“This is annoying.” I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around myself, then reached into the tub to unplug the drain.
“What a downer,” Tony agreed, and turned to me.
“Oh, shit. Wow. Let’s get you cleaned up. Get in here,” he opened the door to the stand-up shower and I stumbled over to the bench attached to the wall. A few minutes later Tony returned holding more towels; he set them on the ground beside me and straightened up to turn the shower on.
“I’m gonna wash this off so I can see what I’m working with, okay?” I nodded and winced in pain as he directed the hand-held shower head to my leg. When the blood had finally slowed and was mostly washed away, many of my old scars became visible. Tony knelt on the floor of the shower after turning off the water. He paused for a moment and then laid a towel over the new wounds.
“Did you do these yourself?” he asked as if he were referring to something normal, like a painting or song lyrics. I nodded.
“Yeah,” I shivered as he ran his fingers over the thick pink and white lines.
“Does it bother you?” I questioned, checking my hand to see if the bleeding there had stopped. He paused at one of the thicker scars.
“It makes me sad.”
We sat in silence, and eventually the blood stopped coming. I put on my underwear and then a t-shirt that Tony had retrieved from his car. I headed into the main room, finishing the glass of champagne that Tony hadn’t.
“Hey, Kali…You can have the bed. I’ll take the couch.”
Later that night I was forced awake by the loud rumbling of thunder. I tried to keep calm, but storms really freak me out. Every time the thunder came I would let out and involuntary squeak no matter how hard I fought to prevent it.
“Kali?” Tony whispered over the pouring rain, “Are you awake?” I nodded, not considering that he couldn’t see me in the dark. There was more thunder, and I allowed more sound to escape my throat. I heard shuffling and then the bed sank near my feet.
“Hey,” he touched my leg through the blanket, “why are you shaking?”
“Storms...aren’t my thing,” I laughed nervously.
“I’ll lie with you until it stops.”
Before we had retired for the night we’d split the bottle of champagne and when we crawled up behind me I could smell it on him. Just as I thought the storm was dying out there was another clap of thunder. It shook the villa, and Tony rubbed my shoulder. He started singing under his breath and I turned to face him. It wasn’t until then that I realized how close he was to me. There was a flash of lightning and it lit up his face.
“I really like this on you,” I reached up, touching the jewelry under his eye. I felt him shift and then sigh, like he’d made a decision.
“I really like these on you,” he gently pulled my bottom lip with a finger. I met his eyes in a another flash of lightning, and then his lips were on min. It was soft and slow, but then another clap of thunder parted us. He pulled me into his chest, but a moment later brought my chin up so I could look at him. His lips met mine once more, the kiss quickly became feverish and needy but I separated us, not wanting things to move too quickly. I tucked my head back into his chest.
“I’ll stay until it’s over.” He rested his head on top of mine and we both relaxed.
The storm didn’t really end, and I spent the next couple of hours sobering up. I enjoyed the sloppy forehead kisses that I would receive from a half-asleep Tony and I thought about how I would be able to repay his kindness.
Eventually, we both slept, only from exhaustion of the day’s activities.